As Harp points out, condescension is one of the tools used to try to push someone beneath you. It is part of the battle to ascend the pecking order.
Condescension is the tool of the insecure. Not knowing how well their arguments play, they add a tone of condescension in an attempt to make their “opponent” feel bad, and perhaps withdraw from the discussion or argument.
If the person being condescended to either has moxie or feels fine about themselves, they can point out the tone of the other person, and then turn the tables by further pointing out how inappropriate it is. If they do this in a calm, reasonable manner, they gain a lot of steps up the pecking order, while the condescender gets seen as a meanie.
This means that condescending is a risky strategy for status seeking. Therefore it tends to be used more by people who aren’t that bright, or who recently learned something, or who are young and new to the game. These people mistakenly think it shows education and knowledge.
Sometimes, there’s another kind of condescension, which is the return volley. If someone condescends to another, the second person shoots back a telling argument, in an even more condescending tone. This, of course, is guaranteed to start a war that may end up in ad hominem attacks, and need the intervention of a moderator.
Condescension only works in one model of discussion. To my mind, there are two major categories of discussion: the debate, and the talking stick.
We all know debates. In a formal debate, there are strict rules for time sharing. Each side gets an equal amount of time. In less formal debates, such as will surely be going on around the Thanksgiving Feast tables in this country, two people, usually those with the loudest voices, take up all the time, and they step all over each other lines, and there’s no listening, and it’s all about being right.
I believe people are less familiar with the “talking stick” method. Native Americans used a talking stick at council meetings. They would sit in a circle, and the person holding the stick could speak as long as they wanted. You were only allowed to speak if you held the talking stick. The stick gets passed around from person to person, and each person gets as much time as they need.
This might sound like it could go on forever, but it doesn’t. People have a sense of fairness, and they know how much time there is in the meeting, and somehow, it works out pretty well. Some people take more time, others less, but you are done not long after the meeting was supposed to be done.
Of course, you don’t actually have to hold a talking stick to use this method of conversation. We often use it in various situations: classrooms and other meetings, where we go around the circle to hear from everybody.
Because everyone knows they have the time they need, the conversation is very different from debates. People get to talk about their personal experiences, and after a lot of people have presented these experiences, a kind of synthesis begins to take place in our minds, and often, this sythesis is surprising similar amongst the people in the room.
The time also allows people to tell stories, and is much more entertaining than the sorts of combative arguing that occurs in debates. It also leads to a feeling that everyone on the room is on the same side, not on opposite sides in an artificial war. No one is left defending a position they really don’t believe in, purely for sake of argument.
Online communities, for the most part, operate under the talking stick method. It’s kind of hard to restrict people from taking as much times as they want. I mean, look at the length of this post! I hope people find it interesting enough to read all the way through.
Even so, people often try to move into debate mode online. Debates are fights, and few people are interested in fights. Those who are, are usually men, though not always. (I won’t bore you with my theory about what makes women combative here). Women tend to be more comfortable with the talking stick style. They seem to be used to listening.
Listening, my friends, is good!
People from the TS style, feel like a part of a community, and trust that others will support them if someone gets out of line. Condescending doesn’t work so well on them.
I also think that folks condescend to make themselves feel superior (as opposed to actually being superior). The funny thing is that being superior allows you to back off, and be more confident. You don’t have to indulge in the ad hominem argumentative style.
Personally, I can do well under both styles, but I much prefer TS. In addition, I might even feel superior, except that I am exceeding insecure, and am convinced that what I write sounds like nonsense to most people. Nevermind. I believe it passionately! So, being insecure, I do much better under non-competitive systems. Yeah, I don’t know where I stand in the pecking order, but damn, is my blood pressure reduced!