Why cant i let go?
Asked by
natasha (
20
)
November 27th, 2008
I met this guy in july .he seemed really nice. In august we started spending alot of time together. I asked him if he were seeing anyone or having sex with anyone else. He said that he goes on dates and that he had had sex with some one else twice since meeting me. I told him i would step back and let him do his thing and he said he didnt want me to step back. he asked me if i wanted him to stop seeing other people and i said it was up to him . he said that he would stop because he really likes me. so time went on and i started to catch feelings. i would tell him how i felt and he was ok with that. he said he was not ready to commit to me. he was not ready for a relationship.But he treated me as if i were his girl.one night after he went out i came over and while we were having sex he asked me to have his son. I told him lets not talk about this now. he said what kind of realtionship do we have if im not willing to have his son.the next morning he acted as if he never said those things. in october i asked him if he was my man or not . he said he made it clear that he didnt want a relationship.we argueing for 2 weeks straight everyday sending emails and on the phone. he would never try to see things my way or listen to me.out of the blue october 31st he called me and said if we have sex are you gonna start tripping again. i told him no. we had sex and he didnt call or email me after that. when i would call him he would be short with me. this past friday i called him and asked him to come over he did and i asked him why he did that to me . he said he knew he made a mistake and that he knows i want a relationship. i told him he should have thought about it before he had sex with me.for the past month i have been hurting because i really cared about him. i dont know how to let go.
Observing members:
0
Composing members:
0
10 Answers
This is messing with your head to much and it’s not healthy for you. Get out now. It will be much easier on you if you do it to take care of yourself than if you wait for him to dump on you. Take control, leave him. When he asks why tell him that you just need to take care of yourself right now. It will be empowering.
we arent together , we werent in a relationship but trying to see if would go there.he changed his phone number but then he calls me from work.i honestly dont think he cares about my feelings. but its like for a brief second he will be sweet.i have been depressed for the past month and i cry almost every day.
This is a control tactic. It’s mind games. Don’t let him do it to you. For future reference, it’s really hard not to get caught up in it once you start sleeping together. I would hold off on the sex until someone is ready to commit from now on (if it were me anyway.) Some of us have a hard time separating the physical from the emotional and by the way this looser appears to have played you it appears you are one of those kind sensitive people who can be hurt when you get the physical commitment ahead of the emotional commitment. You deserve better. Sorry for your pain.
Girl, he’s playing you like a fiddle, and he knows exactly what to say to keep you where he wants you. Drop this manipulative asshole and go find yourself one who appreciates you for the wonderful person you are.
Welcome. Please use less text or at least some breaks, real sentences and try to tell the story without every detail. We will get the gist easily. That was too hard to read for my old eyes.
If you really fell for this guy and developed real feelings, a month is to be expected to get past it – although from what I gather in your details, it hasn’t been quite a month yet since you had the final closure (if you’ve actually had that).
Once you’re very clear that you’re doing the right thing by moving on from this messy non-relationship (which you really should), it will hurt for a while – and mostly because your hopes weren’t realised – but the hurt will fade, you learn your lessons and move on.
It’ll be tempting to take an extreme stance, a la “all men are jerks”, but even that will pass and once you’re no longer emotionally attached to this whole experience, you’ll see it was just that: an experience. You will have learned from it and grown as a person.
There’s unfortunately no shortcut, but try to trust that it will work out – as long as you do right by yourself.
The reason it hurts is that you’re really hungry for love. No shame in that. Go get some.
Be more honest with the next person. “He asked me if I wanted him to stop seeing other people and I told him it was up to him”. Wrong. If you stepped back because he slept with someone else, obviously you didn’t like that. Get straight with yourself if you want people to be straight with you.
Take it from a very old lady who’s made all the mistakes ever invented.
@natasha, I think you already know the answer. It’s in your question. Lots of good advice for you here, but nothing better than what you are already telling yourself: you’ve got to let go.
Sure it’s hard. In life we expect to have to do some hard things. Ever have to put a pet to sleep? Ever have to explain to a child why someone doesn’t want to play with him? Ever have to disappoint your father? Ever have to swallow your pride and apologize for some really awful mistake? Ever have to grit your teeth and keep going to a job or class you can’t stand? And these are nothing compared to real trials. But they all gain you some muscle.
The relief you’ll feel when you’ve done this hard thing will tell you all you need to know.
@jeruba. Well put. Natasha, let him go. Heal. Take time to know yourself. Determine never to allow yourself to be treated like this again.
And don’t share your intimate self with someone who treats you so poorly.
Answer this question 
This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.
Composing members:
0
