To all married man here...

Never, never, never.

The thought sickens me.

No. I’m with Dave. Besides, as I said on an earlier thread, I love my house too much.
My first wife, however, didn’t feel the same way.

it would have been good to add in the question: please put as part of your answer how long you have been married.

Since 1987

It is heteronormative for you to assume that men would only have wives to cheat on, but I’ll let that slide. ;-) But I have not cheated on my husband, nor do I ever consider that an option. My biggest issue with cheating, is that there really is no excuse. It is never an accident. It’s not like forgetting keys, or forgetting to wash the dishes. Cheating is always a conscious act, and takes more than a few minutes to do. It can not happen by accident. You can not accept an “oops” as an excuse. Things have to escalate to a point for it to be considered cheating, and before then there are several moments when one can say “stop”.

Short answer is No. Nor should you ever accept any excuse for that kind of behavior.

Been married only two months (Back when it was officially legal in my state, and now is up for debate) But have been living together for almost 5 years.

Admittedly my Fluthername makes me easier to identify than a lot of other people but who in his right mind would make this kind of admission on a public site like Fluther?

Noon, has it right. There is a line that you don’t cross and that line is both self-defined and defined by society. Society would say that sexual penetration crosses the line, society would say that oral sex crosses the line or that cybersex to orgasm crosses the line, but in some marriages, dancing with another woman might make all hell break loose or it could be “go have fun”.

The trick is to know your boundaries. I am 59. We went to a wedding about eight weeks ago and I danced with two very young and attractive bridesmaids. My wife was sitting there, grinning.

But in some marriages that might be grounds for having hubby sleep in the basement for a week.

But whatever the boundary, it is wrong. It can be overlooked by your partner, it can be forgiven, but the loss of trust can not be undone. And it is the trust that holds the whole marriage together, not the ring, not the house, not the kids, not the mortgage, it’s the trust.

SRM

Married 17 years btw.

No, what Dave says, and 18 yrs. for me as well.

@srmorgan

I agree, and should have make it more clear in my post, but each marriage/relationship has it’s own boundaries. For some even penetration is not considered cheating. But even if you have an open relationship there are agreed upon rules that if broken can be considered cheating. The only time when I think “cheating” could be at question is if those rules have not been clearly defined. To take the example of the dancing. If if had not been previously discussed that dancing is off limits, and agreed upon (agreed upon is the key, because if it still being debated then something is wrong) then the “cheating” might be in question.

It boils down to communication (as almost all relationships do, damn it).

I’m curious what other people think. If a man finds himself wanting sex with someone who isn’t his spouse, does that mean there is a disturbing psycho/spiritual distance between him and his wife (or husband)?

If he can actually do all the things it requires to committ adultery (in whatever form), should he interpret that as a significant moral failure deserving of shaming at every turn, perhaps even shunning by everyone? Should he interpret it as a sign to his dimwitted, non-introspective self, or perhaps just a lack of self-awareness in not noticing or not allowing himself to notice that his marriage was in deep doo-doo?

Is the man always at fault in the distancing between spouses (I guess in a gay relationship, the man always would be at fault, LOL)?

I’m sure people feel that if there is a distancing between spouses, and it is unrepairable, then the proper thing to do is to get unhitched before having affairs. I think that men have been trained to hide their feelings, and they do such a good job, they even hide their feelings from themselves. Even where their female spouses point out that there is a problem, a significant number of men refuse to go to counsellihg. Men have to handle it on their own, with denial, a stiff upper lip, etc. or else they aren’t being manly. No crying is a kind of mantra for many men.

I think men are screwed, no matter what. There’s shame in not having a perfect relationship. So you have to hide that. There’s shame in an affair, so you have to hide that. There’s shame in divorce (and maybe a loss of a lot of comfort, too), so you have to hide that.

You can’t admit to having had an affair, either. Guess what? Yup. Shame. Shame’s a killer. Take it from a shame-a-holic. It makes you slow, and dull. It’s hard to generate new ideas or be happy if you are deep in shame. Sometimes shame leads to depression, which generates further shame (because mental illness is stigmatized generally, but doubly stigmatized for men).

I wonder if these descriptions ring a bell with anyone.

I constantly look at other women and think that i would not mind an hour with her,however i don’t think i could live with the guilt of actually crossing the line.
25 YRS wedthis March(you get less for Murder right?)