Unfortunately, I don’t have one. I understand that zombies are a significant threat to my safety. Zombies could be anywhere. They could be coming across the borders. They could be carrying weapons of mass distruction. But you know what? I’m not all that worried.
Yes, I know that one-fifth of the national defense budget is spent on anti-zombie defence. I know that every city is developing an evacuation plan, in case of zombie attack. I know that there is a lot of money to be made in anti-zombie research. And I don’t care.
Because, you know what? I don’t think zombies are really all that much of a threat. Call me unAmerican, but it’s true. In fact, I think the amount of money spent preparing for zombie attacks—while not exactly wasted—those plans could be used in the event of a natural disaster, I suppose—but really, I think it’s money down the drain.
Why the lines at airports, as the naza (national anti-zombie administration) checks passengers for secret zombieism, are a waste of time. And my god! Trying to keep zombies from smuggling themselves in in container ships? What a colossal waste of time. What self-respecting zombie would be caught dead in a cargo container? Well, you have a point. Most zombies that are caught, are caught dead. Still, they don’t need to smuggle themselves in. You know why? IT’S BECAUSE THERE AREN’T ANY ZOMBIES!!!!!!!
Folks, we ought to tear NAZA down. That building is a monstrosity anyway. An abortion. No, wait. It’s a ZOMBIE! The building looks like a zombie, smells like a zombie, and even tastes like a zombie! Don’t ask.
If you ask me, and I’m sure you all are desperately dying to do so, but please don’t. We don’t need more zombie material to fan the flames. But if you ask me, I think the only zombies in this country, are the ones who run NAZA. Oh, and the ones living at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue!