Thanks for coming back and clarifying. I’ve read through all of your posts a few times over. You’re in a very tough situation here. LDRs are known to be very very tough, and this ex living in the same place as your girlfriend really doesn’t help at all. Here are some of my thoughts, in no particular order.
1. She was likely upset at you for not dancing with her because you two have very limited time together and I get the feeling she’d want to use all that time wisely. Hence, you not dancing with her is interpreted as you not spending time with her, even though you are in the same venue.
2. Regarding the you having lunch with a female thing, the only way you could have played it out better would be to have introduced the friend to your GF verbally prior to having lunch, even if just a casual “so I met this new girl today at work/whatever” comment. That way you can tell her “oh I’m heading out for a lunch with FriendName” and it’s not as much of a surprise as “so I met a new girl and I went out for lunch with her” may be. Honestly though, I do agree that her reaction is a bit over the top, but considering your relationship is an LDR, I wouldn’t say it is an unfounded concern, especially if you have been vocalizing any of your concerns regarding your ex getting back together with her. I can clarify here if you’d like me to.
3. The thing about you sabotaging relationships really is a key here. You’re obviously not confident in your current relationship’s longevity, else you wouldn’t be saying things like you do. One reason is clearly evident as to why this confidence doesn’t exist (you’re worried she’ll get back with her spicy ex girlfriend). However since you’ve noted you have a habit of such behavior, I conclude there is also a deeper issue inside yourself as to why you’re a saboteur. Regardless, I highly suggest both individual therapy for yourself, and couple’s therapy for you and your girlfriend if she’s willing to help fix things. Of course that’s a bit hard given 1, the LDR thing, and 2, the taking a break thing.
4. I see some similarities between how she was treated by her ex girlfriend (cruelly), and how she interprets comments such as “this cigar ring will probably last longer than our relationship does” (as being a cruel comment). To me this is probably one of the biggest issues why she is taking this break from you now – she saw signs of her other relationship and was scared by it. Now I know you didn’t mean to be cruel, but do realize that these comments might be striking her closer to her heart than you think they are.
So here’s what I suggest – give her time, a week at least, while you write a heartfelt letter to her by hand. In this letter, tell her how much you love her, tell her that you don’t understand why you say the things you do but that you’re willing to get help towards solving it (of course only say this if you ARE serious about it). Tell her how much your relationship means to you, and that it means so much that you’d be willing to proceed with couples’ counseling if it’s something that she’d want to do as well. Don’t make excuses, just be honest. Don’t try to explain things factually, just talk from your heart and soul, yes talk about your feelings. End the letter by telling her how you will proceed from here, without sounding like an ultimatum. For instance, will you wait forever until you hear a response from her? Will you wait for two months before deciding it’s over? Maybe you don’t know what you’ll do, well tell her just that. Phrase this in an “I am, I feel” sentence instead of a “You have, You need”. Good Example: “I hope we can work together to solve our problems. I feel you are the love of my life, I have never loved someone as much as I love you, so I will be waiting patiently with my arms open until I hear what you think about all this.” Bad Example: “This needs to be solved now. Either we stay together or we break up, cause I’m wasting my life waiting here, and if you don’t want to love me I need to find someone who will. You have two months to decide.” Another good one: “I do not want to pressure you into making a decision. However I would like us to resolve this issue within the next two months so that we can continue pursuing what makes us happy. As devastated as I would be without you as my partner, I would rather us both be happy than be the way we are now. ” Another good one: “I am lost as to how we should proceed from here, so I would love to hear what you have to say. But one thing I do know is the way we are right now, is not the way I want it to be forever.” Finally, conclude that you will give her a phone call at a specific date and time that is at least two weeks after she would have received the letter to continue the discussion, again don’t be demanding here. I would phrase it like, “I am planning on calling you on January 23rd at 7pm to continue to discuss the issues in this letter, but I have no problems if you’d like to call me before then to discuss it.” And then for good measure, end it with another profession of love. “No matter what happens, I will always be there for you as a friend.” (again, if this is true). “I love you.” also works nicely. And sign it.
To me this is the last attempt at reconciliation. If after reading this heartfelt letter, she ignores it totally, or refuses to discuss it (changes the topic) when you call her at that predesignated time, well I would conclude she is not wanting to continue with your relationship, so I would then proceed towards ending it formally. Because the reality is her lack of answering your questions is not showing respect towards you or the relationship, and to me doesn’t sound like the good foundation for a partnership.