Why did you decline my friend request?

Hun, there is no such thing as a perfect friend. I’m wondering who told you this? If they consider you to be this, then I’m wondering why you think you have no friends. I think you’ll find that most people have one or two “good friends’, and then they have people they consider to be acquaintances. And hey, there is nothing wrong with going to the library to escape if you need to.

I have mostly guy friends now, at 41. I tend to like men better than women in real life. I’d say work on finding a better boyfriend, one who’s comfortable with you being friends with whatever gender you tend to make friends with.

I think you need to get out and find some new opportunities for making friends. You didn’t mention where you are meeting people now. Try taking a class in something you’re interested in or join some sort of club.

Also, that boyfriend of yours could be holding you back. He doesn’t sound very nice. You can be friends with whomever you’d like! Don’t let him control you like that, okay?

You know, many people, like tantigirl said, have only a few close friends. I know that you’d like more, and that’s okay, but I’m just saying, it’s normal to just have a few very close ones.

Just keep being open and friendly, and don’t listen to your boyfriend. :)

@tantigirl: no one has told me I am the perfect friend what I meant is I’ve got qualities that I’m sure lots of people would love in a friend of course I’ve got my quirks but I’m never going to chase after your significant other or bodyslam you, yanno? ha!

I know most people don’t have like thousands of friends, just like 2 or 3 but my 2 or 3 only exist when I guess all their other options are exhausted.

@augustlan & @seekingwolf: I’m pretty sure I can work something out between my boyfriend and I where he doesn’t seem threatened by another male because this whole girlfriends thing isn’t working.

I’ve been going to college so I’ve been trying to make friends ( I should say girlfriends ) there. I’m also always going to the zoo, aquariums, art museums, wine tasting, book clubs, ghost hunting clubs. I’m everywhere!

The thing that bugs me is that I hear people say “oh, I just love her! (in reference to me)” and in my head I’m like then why don’t you ever call me?? lol

@tinyvamp

Really? You’re in college? What year are you in?
I’m in college too, and I really don’t have a social life either. contrary to popular belief, college isn’t always crawling with friendship opportunities!

The few acquaintances I’ve made in college (could have been friends but I didn’t want to) have actually come from the dorm lounge. I sat in there with a deck of cards and saw who came in. I ended up meeting some cool guys that I still talk to now and then. Even though we don’t hang out exclusively, it’s nice to know that I have options.

Most colleges have dorm lounges. Many people go there when they are bored (I know I do). See what you can find there :)

@ seekingwolf: I’m actually a sophomore (i’ve been taking time off and also I’m doing a double major); but the people I’ve met in college are wonderful! I seem to be popular to the older crowd like 30 years or older but they’re pretty busy managing their family.

Now, one of my good friends that lives all the way in the united kingdom told me the reason I don’t have as many friends is because I need to hang out with people on my level. So, I’m going to give that a go next semester and I may possibly become a tutor, who knows! :)

@tinyvamp

Yeah, I’m getting the sense that you may be more mature and intelligent than others your age. Your UK buddy may indeed be right! :) You may have trouble relating to people and getting that good “connection” to become friends.

I wish you the best of luck next semester and I hope you find some people on your level, regardless of age or gender.

My heart goes out to you. Thanks for sharing all of that here.

Here’s one wild possibility… you asked us, “Why did you decline my friend request?” Maybe that’s the problem – maybe you need to be making more requests! You wondered why they don’t call you… if it’s what YOU want, I’d suggest being more pro-active in calling them. Of course, it’s riskier. They might say no. They might say yes, but not really want to. Or whatever. But it might be better than what you have right now.

I believe that suffering is a great motivator. I invite you to take some action tomorrow. Do something toward making a new friend. I so appreciate your asking for help here. Good luck!

@trustinglife : i call, i write, i text, i send telegrams and sky writers.

no luck.

i think i need to stay away from the “i’m young, hot and i only want to get wasted” crowd (which is most of my age group) and start pursuing older single people. that’s my action plan right now! lol

In the meantime, would you consider using this time as an opportunity to deepen your self? What could you explore internally? Maybe enjoy your own loneliness? I know, could be a stretch.

@trustinglife: lol. I enjoy the alone time I am getting, so far I’ve been using it to work hard on portfolio pieces, work on my stories, learn about myself and practice my german and spanish but it’d be nice to have a “break” from feeding my inner being, that is all :)

Another idea for you… Perhaps we can offer you some new ideas of things to try – places where you can meet new people. What are some of your passions? Favorite activities?

I’ll be your friend! I was just thinking the other day that I needed to meet some new friends because most of mine moved to Portland and Seattle. I made a lot of friends that are the wives of my boyfriends riding buddies. My closest 4 girlfriends have been with me for a decade. The problem with many girls is that they get into relationships and start breaking plans with their old friends and quit calling and then when they get lonely because the guys turns out to not be right for them and their old friends have moved on. I tell any guy I have dated I am a package deal that comes with four other girls that I spend a great deal of time with. Are there any old friends you can call up or write?

I keep having a feeling that something’s wrong in this picture, but I’m not sure what it is. I guess I have one idea.

The first thing that bothered me was how you just totally opened up in your question, adding details that almost noone does online. I was thinking it was a setup, but now I have another idea.

From the way you describe all the things you do, and how friendly you are, and how you meet a million people and get a million numbers, but no one ever gets back to you, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re trying too hard. It might come across as being desperate. So, people are willing to hang out for an hour at a bar or whatever, and even to exchange numbers, but they really have no intention of following up on it.

I have to say that Trustinglife may be onto something, when he suggests enjoying loneliness. It’s not really about enjoying loneliness, but about learning to be ok with yourself, wherever you happen to be. You sound like you are desperately pursuing goals, as if getting there will mean something.

Let me tell you, most of the time, achieving the goal is a big let down. Because you always have this feeling, “now what do I do?” The trick, as far as I can tell, is to be ok with the journey. To enjoy the journey. And, if you are lonely now, that’s where you’re at, and you have two choices: to hate it, or to be ok with it.

Now, if I’m right, and I have no idea whether I am or not. I’m grasping at straws here. But if I’m right, then you are opening yourself up to a tricky spiritual journey. It’s one of those ass-backwards things—in order to get friends, you have to learn how to enjoy being lonely.

I also want to say “lose the boyfriend.” He sounds like one of your “young, hot and wasted” crowd, and I have to wonder if he’s outlived his usefulness. Your relationship with him (based on almost nothing) also sounds a little desperate. He may be hot (or cool, for that matter), but maybe he’s a jerk?

Ah well. This is a lot to take in, and I could be totally off base. Only you will know. I do wish you the best of luck, though. When I was your age, these were the lessons I was learning. I can’t tell you I learned them very well. This shit is hard.

I’m sure you are a great person.You stated that you are.

Being a friend is putting other people first not yourself.

Treat everyone equal and you will have no enemies.

When I was in college (interestingly, in Colorado) I was somewhat in the same boat. Know what I did? I got into student politics. It made all of the difference. Why, I could not tell you, but I became one a popular kid on campus and made many friends a few of whom i still stay in touch with today. If not politics get into something else on campus.

@daloon: I love how you thought it was a setup, haha. I’ve been on the internet since I was 12, I have an online journal and myspace. —- the interweb doesn’t scare me.

you know I was thinking maybe I’m coming off as completely desperate, myself but I’ve asked a few people i trust and they said they’ve never got that impression. I kind of wish it was desperation because I’d know how to fix it.

I think I had this illusion that since I’m popular that I must have close relationships but I don’t. I had closer relationships when i was non popular.

I’ve been told this also by my UK friend that I’m like a novelty toy, I’m cool to have but I’m never played with because my packaging is intimidating. .. which gave me a better perspective on the issue.

I want to say thank you to everyone that gave me such great advice, I really appreciate it!

@tiny: ok, that helps explain your willingness to throw out personal stuff more. Let me tell you something about myself. I am very good at seeing beneath the written word. I can not tell you how many times I’ve posted a contrarian point of view, and the person wrote me privately to say I’d hit the nail on the head. Was I stalking them?

Also, I’m objective. I don’t know shit about you and have no relationship with you. So maybe your friends are being kind, or maybe they don’t see it. It is there in what you wrote. Maybe you didn’t intend it, but I think you should pay attention to that. ‘Course, you don’t know me, and my advice is barely worth the pixels that display it.

I don’t know what you did to become popular, but it could have given off the impression that you’re shallow. People don’t like to be good friends with people they believe are shallow. The popular people seem to be social butterflies, going from person to person, but never stopping long enough to get to know someone. You become popular on a surface level.

Now my views are suspect on that point, since I’ve never been popular. I’m just a crusty curmudgeon, now. ‘Course, I’m still as horny as I ever was, but that’s another story. But that is my impression of popular people. I’ll get a lot of shit for this one, too, lol.

Oh well. All this to say that I don’t believe I’m making any of this up. You will take what I say into account, or not, as you prefer. I know I’m just one person who counts for little, but I think there’s something to what I said.

I think about when I was young, the absence of technology created an atmosphere more conducive to making and sustaining friendships. Now many of my friends are Facebook contacts, not the kind of real friends the lady is talking about. Technology creates an illusion of interconnectedness and at the same time divides us and seperates us. I am grateful for having grown up in a different era, this one sucks….

TinyVamp-So much of what you have said hits home to me. First, I am from CO, but just moved to the east coast at the end of last year. I grew up in CO and went to college there, etc. I also double majored in school :-) In whatever case, reading your post was like reading my own thoughts.
As far as some of the responses I’ve read, I am not sure I would agree that everyone is right on target, or hitting any nails on their heads.
I get you opening up online. It’s something a lot of people actually feel much more comfortable doing, and I don’t think it means anything about why people are poor friends.
Having said this, I think sometimes the problem lies with other people. From my experience in school, it seemed like everyone was so self-involved that maybe a lot of people are feeling the same way you do. Now I am not suggesting you are self-involved, but rather suggesting we live in a very self-involved society. This makes it difficult for anyone to establish really deep relationships. Plus, environments of competition don’t always bring out the best in people, and CO has some rather academically competitive schools.
With this in mind, I would suggest doing things that require bonding w/o competition. Since you live in CO, you have some perfect things available to you. My best friend from college was someone I met in an outdoor “survival” class. It seems like we bonded by helping eachother, and being a team. She is my maid of honor in my upcoming wedding, and was chosen over my “best friend” from high school.
A lot of people meet good friends at work. I met a lot of people working in the field I was in. Unfortunately, I got really sick and found out NONE of them were really my friend. After being sick to the point that I had a near-death experience, I have been particularly withdrawn from making new friends. In fact, the only friend I have made since this happened is someone who also had a near-death experience, which was what helped bond us initially.
In whatever case, I am sure some of this apprehention has to do with me, but I also think it has to do with other people, too. It is very rare that you may come across a friend you will have for a long time, or the rest of your life. If you consider how many people actually stay married to people for their entire lives, it might give you a better perspective of this (and marriage is an actual contractual commitment, etc). People are just not as committed to other people and relationships as they used to be.
So what does this mean? I think it means you have to be very particular who you consider to be your friends. Remember these people fluxuate and come and some go. As you continue to get older, you will find true friends are fewer and further between, but this contrast can help some people appreciate the good friends even more.