Ah well. Shall I be the contrarian view, yet again?
Let’s start with the emotions going on here:
You: have been betrayed, and that makes you feel so horrible there’s no describing it. You can’t sleep at night. You can’t focus on work. You are barely making it with the kids. It’s a strain hiding these things from the kids, although they know anyway. You love your wife. You want her back, even though she’s fallen for another guy. You’re almost willing to do anything to keep her in your life. You also feel shame amongst your friends and community for having a failing marriage. You are frustrated because you can’t afford to do anything about this. The economy sucks. Maybe one of you is unemployed. The future looks very bleak.
Your wife: is guilty because she’s cheated on you. She still thinks she loves you, but she isn’t excited by you. The new guy is terribly exciting. He talks to her, makes her feel special. She loves the kids, and doesn’t really want to move out, because you are good as corporation parents. She’s worried about what will happen to the kids if you do split. She doesn’t want to hurt you, and believes that if you stay together in the same house, this will hurt you less. She’s also afraid to jump ship. New guy might not be all that stable, financially. New guy maybe doesn’t have a very suitable place for kids. She’d really like to have her cake, and eat it too. She wants the lover and the family, only hopefully without too much drama and stress.
The kids: bewildered. They don’t know what’s going on between you (assuming under ten years of age). They feel the tension. They are screwing up at school. They get angry quickly, and are more stubborn, refusing to comply with many requests. They feel hurt, and afraid, and their world seems dangerous and unstable. They want their family back together and happy.
Options
1) Lawyer up, get all litigious, demand your rights. Well, as cprevite said, this is a very uncertain course of action. You don’t know what the outcome will be. You could lose the house. It’s impact on you and your wife will be to make you even more angry, hurt, and righteous, and you’ll never get over it. The kids will be hurt the most by this option, I think. It’s guaranteed to end in divorce, with bad feelings all around, and difficulty arranging custody. The emotions and shame from a failed marriage are maximized.
2) Mutually negotiated divorce. This is a less confrontational approach. Your goal is to work out things so that the kids are hurt the least. There are no recriminations. Just a hard eyed,objective look at the situation. You would need the help of someone with expertise in working these things out. It would end up with separation, but you’d have rules, and while the kids would be hurt, the recriminations and backbiting would be diminished, and this is better for them. You still have to deal with the emotions and shame of a failed marriage.
3) Finding a way to live together in the same house. This could be better for the kids, depending on how you handle it. They’d have both parents around, and much similarity to the former living arrangements. But mommy and daddy wouldn’t be sleeping together, and they will be a bit tense with each other. You will be torn up, because you still love her, and want her, and having her close is torture. You might be eating together still. This will be a very huge challenge, but it might be better for the kids.
4) Reconciliation. You go to couples counselling, and individual therapy, and figure out what is going wrong, and work to fix it. You resume a stable relationship with the family and the kids. This costs money, and takes a lot of time and work, and depending on your wife’s commitment, may or may not be doable. She should at least be willing to attend five sessions with the counsellor to see if any progress can be made before she ditches you.
What’s Best?
In my mind, these are arranged in order from worst to best. Acrimonious divorce is the worst. Reconciliation is the best. If neither of those is possible, then the living together or amicable divorce route are better options as far as the kids are concerned.
Whatever happens, I’m sorry you went through this. About a year or two ago, I had a couple of extra-marital encounters, and eventually told my wife because I knew they meant something was wrong with me (turned out I have bipolar disorder). We’ve been in couples counselling since then, and we are accomplishing some progress. It’s not easy. But I do think it’s worth it.
I also lived with an ex-girlfriend. That did not work at all. We didn’t fight or anything, but the passive aggressiveness was beyond belief. If you do live with your wife, but not as a couple, it will be very hard. Still, I wouldn’t reject it out of hand.
Composing members:
0
Composing members:
0
