How do you stop a 3-year-old from having temper tantrums?

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/tantrum/HQ01622

http://pediatrics.about.com/od/tempertantrums/Temper_Tantrums.htm

http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/behavior/tantrums.html

They’re three years old, they’re going to throw temper tantrums and you can’t stop it. What you can do though, is ignore their plea for attention and eventually they will realize that throwing tantrums isn’t getting them what they want and they will stop on their own and find other means of getting attention/what they want.

Bribe them!

i don’t know

the same way that you stop an adutl from heving a trantum

OMFG is pretty much on the money, I think.

Do NOT give in to the tantrum. What that tells the kid is “hey, this works! I don’t need to use words or learn that I can’t get what I want all the time. All I gotta do is scream and yell and flail around!” Just make sure the kid is in a safe place and let them have their tantrum. When they’re done (2 minutes, 20 minutes, 2 hours…) talk to the kid, but don’t reward the behavior. I knew a parent who would give their kids treats as a reward for finishing a tantrum. So those kids learn tantrum=cookie.

There are ways to help head off a tantrum though. If you see one coming on, the kid is getting frustrated, whiny, etc, that’s the time to focus on helping, but not overly indulging, the kid. A 3 year old doesn’t always have the verbal/emotional skills to say they’re getting hungry/tired/bored/frustrated help them find those words and solutions to the problem before it gets too far. Also, don’t set yourself up. Right before naptime on an empty stomach is not the time to expect your kid to behave nicely.

I know some people worry about letting their kid have a tantrum in public. I would much rather see that then a parent falling all over themselves to stop it while teaching the kid that tantruming behavior works.

Hopefully, as they get closer to 4 and learn some better coping behaviors and learn that tantrums get them no where, they’ll stop.

My mom always told us that she couldn’t talk to us when we were acting like that, and if we wanted her to listen, we were going to have to settle down. Then she ignored us until we did – it was pretty effective! I’m not sure how young reasoning like that works, but I remember her using it when we were pretty little…

The same way you stop a teenager from having a tantrum. You ignore it and do not give in to their attention seeking. Eventually they will realize it gets them nowhere and stop, or they’ll tire themselves out and go do something else. If you’re out in public when it happens, simply drop your shopping and leave the store if you feel bad you can apologize to a store clerk who will have to restock your cart contents, but they’ve likely dealt with this before, no matter what do not give in to buying the kid something to make them quiet or else you’ve reinforced the following association: having a tantrum gets me a treat/prize, and the kid will keep having more tantrums to get a reward.

In psychology, ignoring behavior until it goes away is known as extinction: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Extinction_(psychology) (You'll have to copy and paste the link, Fluther's linking AI doesn't like advanced URLs like those commonly found in Wikipedia so it has chosen to not link the end bracket, which is required.)

My dad spanked my butt probably three times because I was throwing a tantrum. If I started to throw a tantrum he would grab me and tell me to “Stop crying before I give you something to cry about.” That meant I was getting a spanking if I didn’t shut up. I learned after three times not to test him. I almost always stopped my tantrum right then down when I heard those words because I knew he was serious. Spank that butt and send the kid to a quiet place to calm down.

Never give in. In the heat of the moment use humor to distract them and never let anger take over the situation.

I’m with Buster—I spanked my oldest at 3 1/2 for the first time for throwing a tantrum. I spanked her little ass pink and have never see a single tantrum since, nor have I spanked her since. Same with my younger girl, except she needed to be spanked twice—and has not been spanked since, nor has had a tantrum.

I love reading about how to stop tantrum written by folks who don’t spank. It is a really pathetic commentary on our culture—most mammals do castigate their young—except American Parents, go figure.

I quess this is why, the children in my daughter’s school act in a manner that animals would not—the parents need to have their asses whooped.

@Mizuki , You and Buster will probably take some heat for saying spank that butt, but I agree with you, so I guess I’d better duck too!!

I do not advocate beating a child, but I do think a controlled wack on the ass is what the doctor ordered for a tantrum. Now I just have to look at her a certain way, and I doubt I’ll ever have to spank her.

Look at the momma lion, she wacks her kittens—their survival depends on it.

@Mizuki- wow, a pathetic commentary on our culture?

It can be said that the pathetic commentary on our culture is that we cannot rise above other animals and find non-violent ways of requiring good behavior from our children.

There is a difference in parents who allow poor behavior from their children and those who don’t. I’m not sure how some people come to the conclusion that hurting a child physically is the difference.

Have you ever had your butt cheek slapped? Were you hurt physically? Did 2 wacks constitute physical violence? And tell me about the emotional scares too while we are at it….

I do not see it as violence, I see it as dicipline…and I don’t expect anyone to agree with me…for christ sakes, I see how “our” kids act….it is just that mine don’t act like that…..and the business about “rising above other animals”—do the animals not deserve our repect and can we not learn things from animals based on there evolutionary survival?

The animals will out last the human specie in my view—because we don’t have been so brainwashed by day time tv to not be parents.

i just took a test in psychology on learning, and a lot of the operate learning stuff can be applied to children. it’s pretty simple but it seems you have to stick to it to get the effect you want. these seem pretty obvious, but it’s important to be continuous with it.
every time the child does it, take something they like away or give them something they don’t like. i’ve heard that if you are giving a kid time out, the amount of minutes should be equal to how old they are; a minute for every year (10 minutes for 10 years old for example, i’m not sure if i jumbled that up before haha). make sure you don’t let up and excuse it once in awhile, because kids can quickly start to believe that you’re only going to punish them once in awhile, you know? and get on their level when you’re telling them exactly what they’re doing that you don’t want them to do, and why it’s bothering you.
but it’s also important to reinforce the good behaviour, so when the kid is behaving for awhile, let them know what they’re doing (or not doing) that you like, and either just praise them or occasionally give them a treat.

i hope you find a solution haha, i’m not exactly a child expert, but i’ve been dwelling on this chapter for like 2 weeks and it makes sense to me, and my teacher seems to find that it works on his two daughters, who are 3 and 6. good luck [=

Those of you who want to duke it out on the subject of spanking may be interested in this thread.

Mizuki—I was spanked ONCE. I was probably about four years old. My father gave me the “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about” line. I was really upset over something and couldn’t stop crying. So he did, indeed, give me something to cry about. I went BERSERK and fought back. I wound up crying even harder for even longer because MY DADDY HIT ME AND I THOUGHT HE WAS SUPPOSED TO LOVE ME and he wound up with scratches on his face. Spanking wasn’t used again.

As for only having to look at your daughter a certain way to make her do what you say: that’s fear, not respect. Many girls who are raised like that end up in abusive relationships because they don’t think they deserve anything better. I hope for her sake that you haven’t completely ground out her self-esteem and ability to think for herself.

Mcbean—easy on the kool aide. I a healthy measure of fear is a good thing. The idea of forever grinding out someone’s self esteem by a single spanking at 4 years old is popy cock.

um….. recently i posted a thread/ question on how to stop my two year old hitting me/ throwing tantrums…

i tried putting him on the stairs, in the corner, 1, 2, 3… smacking his hand, getting down to his level, being nice, cuddling him, reasoning (which you obviously can’t do with a 2 year old…) giving him alternatives, bribery, distraction.. and finally ignoring the behaviour completely, not saying anything, walking away from him (when i could) and staying thoroughly calm – and that has worked and continues to work consistently….!! He might hit me once but then walks away and is fine, his behaviour is much improved and does thing is ask him to much more easily than he has ever done before…

I don’t want to get into the smacking debate but I do want to say…why solve a problem with violence that’s self perpetuating when you can solve it with peace.

lynne——did you not just say you tried “smacking his hand” and then you say, “why solve a problem with violence that’s self perpetuating when you can solve it with peace”.

Does anyone else see a logical break down here, or just me?

@Mac Bean—do you still go beserk and throw tantrums?

Yes Mizuki I did.

The task of bringing up children as I’m sure you are well aware is one of trying new things and throwing some things out…It’s a journey and not a logical and finite set of rules that you follow from birth to adulthood.

After trying smacking and finding that it did not work I now take the opinion that there’s no point in solving a “a problem with violence that’s self perpetuating when you can solve it with peace”.

If that makes it any clearer for you.

So trial and error works best for raising your kids. More power to you…

Mizuki—If I perceive the situation the way I perceived that one. Before that solitary spanking, I’d been taught that hitting was wrong and violence was an absolute last resort in life-and-death circumstances. So when I was hit, I was terrified and felt threatened. And, yes, when I’m frightened and feel like my life is in danger, I sometimes go a little nuts.

lynne—Don’t bother trying to explain it. You see, Mizuki is never wrong. There is no such thing as “trial and error” with him because if he tries it, it is right. Clearly.

@Macbean…thank you…i was trying to think of how to explain someone (who i do not know) why I really believe that there really is no other way to bring up children (unless you are perfect of course). I now feel i don’t have to explain myself but i would liek to say from a humble perspective that;

Before I had my child i prepared for the experience endlessly, I not only thought about the pregnancy, birth, early years, months, toddlers years but I tried to see my son in many years to come and as the man i would like him to be. As I am lone parent and do not have anyone to “bounce” ideas off as such I have spent hours if not days-weeks researching how to bring up a healthy happy and incredibly loved child. I wrote lists of what i would and wouldn’t accept, what to do, what not to do, the attributes i wanted him to possess. As any parent knows generally these lists either go out the window or seriously have to be altered when you have a child and suddenly realise how more to it there is…

Your comment Mizuki makes it sound like I take this subject very lightly and just well… try something and if it doesn’t work…“well never mind…let’s just move on”. This is not the case AT ALL.

I would wonder perhaps if you would have the same attitude if you had sat with me in tears on the floor after being hit by my son more than fifty times that day and simply not know what else to do? I wonder if you would have the same level of criticism if you knew how many times I had had to take deep breathes at 4 in the morning because my son will not sleep and I don’t know why and I am thoroughly exhausted because I’ve not had a full nights sleep in months. I wonder if you would be so quick to cast your sarcastic comments if you really knew and understood how much I dearly love my son and how I would not be able to live a day longer if he wasn’t in my life. He means everything to me.

So, yes trial and error does work in raising my child because I’m not so arrogant to think that I have gotten it right every time. I hasten to add…I do get it right sometimes. Thank the lord!

ahem—I’m a her/she

@lynne—I apoligize for the tone of my comments, sorry if you felt I was attacking you personally

I’ve been having this spanking debate for a while here with other’s and I took my frusteration out on you.

Sincerely sorry, and hopeing for the best for your issue, and I get it, raising kids is not a cake walk, and fraught with challanges, and I sure do not have all the answers and have other issues that I am not good at and need to work on.

thank you mizuki…your humility humbles me too…this could be taken sarcastically.. but its not meant that way at all… i sincerely thank you xxxx

When I was three and threw temper tantrums, especially in public, I was removed from the situation and got a sore butt. End of story.