Is 21 the end of parenting?

Is the ‘child’ broken? (why else would it need ‘fixing’?)

On the other hand, you hardly stop learning and developing at 21, so if there’s an area in which this person could or should improve, there’s no reason why not – although, they may not be able to learn it from the parents. Other resources may be more effective, such as peers, mentors, teachers….

“Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death.”
Albert Einstein

Why is any age too late to help your child? (‘Fix’ sounds very mechanical and distant to me)

You’ll always be the parent and you’ll always want to be there for your children for any reason no matter how old they are, right?

Parenthood is forever.

But interventions with a 21-year-old are pretty different from interventions with a four-year-old or a ten-year-old. It might depend on what the problem is and who thinks it’s a problem.

Actually, my parents are still parenting us, especially my brother, some 50 years or so after our births. So no, parenting does not end when the child becomes 21.

As to fixing a child, the child has to want to be fixed (sorry, I can’t help thinking the child wants its tubes tied or a vasectomy) (and I can’t help think of light bulb jokes, as in “How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one but the light bulb has to want to change.).

With little kids, they want to a) please their parents and b) avoid punishment so you have a way to help them improve their behavior and you also have a legal requirement as their guardian. With legally adult kids there are very few punishments you can apply (cut them out of the will?) and nothing you can force them to do. You need to wait until they come to you and ask for help with the particular problem. Then you can make suggestions or give advice or direct them to the proper resources.

Depending on what the problem is you want to see corrected, various agencies may get involved, such as the police or AA or whatever, but there is nothing you can make them do.

However, if your adult child is just not a very nice person, there isn’t anything you can do, other than move and leave no forwarding address. Sometimes as folks mature they realize the price they pay for the luxury of being ungrateful, rude, thoughtless, etc. and thus work to correct their outward display of personality. But we all know folks who enjoy being snarks.

I don’t think parenting ends ever, it does change however as the child grows. Can a parent fix a 21 year-old? Well assuming that 21 year-old is broken, I think the parent can be their champion, can encourage them, can be there to listen and give sound advice, but by that age, I think it is up to the child to fix themselves.

I think it is also important to remember that there is a huge difference between helping and enabling. My ex-in-laws have a 43 year-old daughter they have “helped” her entire adult life. Since this woman has never been made to stand on her own two feet, she has never learned how to help herself.

No way. I live with my parents. Im 27. I pay rent. My momma washes my my clothes. I would do anything to help her or my dad and vice versa. If it wasn’t for my parents love throughout my twenties I would be dead.

You work with an older child the same way you work with anyone of age. Respect is very important. People hate most being told what to do. They want to decide for themselves. Sometimes we get in this situation with parents, and they fight us, for they hate being treated like a child, and yet they are no longer competent.

If an adult child is not longer competent, and they make decisions that will hurt them, or decisions that are unwise, sometimes all you can do is stand aside and watch them go down. You can offer help, and keep offering it, but you can’t make them take it.

I have seen children in their thirties, suffering from migraines and depression, and their parents hospitalize them when they are really sick, and care for them at home when they are well enough. It’s not how you want to see a child, but if your child will take the help, you can give it.

So much of this depends, I think, on the past, and what your relationship was like when they were growing up. If it was a contentious relationship, with mistrust on both sides, it will be hard to turn that around. If you had a more trusting relationship, a more loving relationship, then my guess is that that will make it easier to help them as adults.

For some of us, the time after college is when we break away. I know with my parents I never felt particularly loved or appreciated. Throughout my twenties, I was struggling to do something they would be proud of. Eventually, I gave up on that hope, and learned to do things for my own goals. When I got married (I was in my thirties), our relationship settled into something—if not loving, at least occassionally warm.

I say this to suggest that there could be a time when things are more difficult, but you may eventually grow closer again. It’s so complex, though, and so many factors are involved, that without much more detail, it is really impossible to give you any meaningful advice.

“Fix your child”? So, what needs fixing? If the upbringing was careful, loving, respectful, the person at 21 will be fine, but certainly will still enjoy being parented. And lots of people think that young adults still have a ways to go—the child might still be in college.

But “fixing” implies a really bad upbringing—could be abusive, humiliating, undermining, rage-filled—then I would expect the parent who subjected the child to such an upbringing would not be the one to try and “fix” his child.

No. Yes.
No, parenting is never over. You will always worry about your babies.
Yes, 21 is too old for mommy to fix baby. Love, guide, support, cherish, yes. Fix, no.

At the age of 21 I had been married for two years, and independent for many years prior to that. It would have been damn near impossible for anyone to ‘fix’ me by then.

I’m 37, there is still a degree of parenting going on – it changes, though. It’s not the clean your room or you aren’t allowed to go out tonight, parenting. It’s learning for their mistakes and from their successes. It’s watching the shift in priorities. My parents were boomers – that race to the money was there, real estate and socialization. I’ve watched the change, now – with my father in failing health, I’ve seen their shit in how they see life. They could be bitter, but they aren’t. The lesson…“parenting” that I am learning from them, appreciate what you have – meaning family and time. That material stuff, yeah…it doesn’t give you love, just surrounds you with things to dust. They are the ones that I watch, when I feel lost. Sure, I’m married, have two children, but I still get lost.

Parenting goes on forever, there is no end. It just changes, maybe to subtle life lessons. Believe me, those are almost more valuable than anything else they talk you.

If you are the parent, don’t give up. If you are the child – you are “fixable”! Just don’t give up.

21 is not too young or too old to fix yourself. It’s not too late for a parent to correct the mistakes they made with the relationship. But to think that anything you can do that involves exerting any sort of control will work, forget it. It’s time for the kid to ante up as an adult. Sometimes there are no quick fixes, only slow and painful ones.

The one thing you can do is take a long, hard look at the role model you set. especially during the formative years, and correct yourself, explain yourself, or ask for forgiveness (if you find any needing.)

@Blobman, just in case you’re the fixee instead of the fixer, at 21 it’s pretty much up to you to fix yourself. Your parents are not in a position to control you. But they can still influence you and support you, if that’s what they want to do. And it is never too late to work on healing a broken relationship between parent and child, although the time can come when it’s too late to succeed.

I agree that a parent can’t “fix” a 21 yr old. If you are supporting him/her financialy you can cut them off, this will definately help them to become independent. Not knowing what the problem is though, I can suggest that just being there for your child when needed is most important. Knowing you can go to your mom or dad and that they will listen without judgement is sometimes the best medicine. Parenting never ends!

Sometimes “parenting” is construed to be modifying negative behavior, but there can also be positive parenting, like telling an adult child, they made a good choice or their thought processes were correct, or to hang in there, that time never seems to move at the right pace. Being told you’re on the right path is never a bad thing, or that time usually takes care of a lot of problems. I need to hear that now and then myself.

I would sincerely believe not, both as a mother and a daughter (I’m 28).

As a mother I would never try to “fix” my child but help them in whatever way i could, guide them in what i would consider to be the right direction but also keep an open mind to the fact that i could be totally wrong also and respect whatever decisions they take. After all we only ever do what we can at the time.

As a daughter my parents have probably had to do more parenting since I was 21 than before I turned 21…and by parenting I guess I mean holding their breath when I’ve done bad things, being there when I’ve been in tears, on the floor and giving me a hugs and support when I’ve come home in need of their unconditional love.

Of course I’ve never always had unconditional love and support from them but I accept that we are and as they are of course, only human and at least I know they have (as we all should) try to attain and experience that level of love for our children.