During my first marriage, I was married to a hispanic woman and several times she used to talk to my in-laws in Spanish in front of me knowing that I didn't speak Spanish and had no idea what she was saying.

No I don’t think it’s rude. My dad is from Puerto Rico and everyone knows that spanish is going to be the language preferably spoken at grandma’s house. It’s just what they have done their whole life and they probably don’t even think about you not being able to understand. It’s their culture. I highly doubt they were doing it to be rude, they were only doing it because it was their home and they get to do what they want there. I remember reading another question very similar to this, I’ll try to find it if you want to read that thread.
But if I was you I wouldn’t take it to heart. It’s just one of those things you have to get used to in a culturally diverse family. I looooove listening to people speak spanish because it makes me feel at home. Plus when I am trying to learn I catch on quicker than most since I’m used to hearing it. So be thankful for the opportunity. :)

I’m only going to disagree with krose for the sake of disagreement. First marriage means something went wrong somewhere, so maybe this hispanic chica just had a nasty personality and liked to spite people, regardless of what ethnicity she was.

Either krose is right about it being a cultural thing, or former señora y sus padres were all laughing at BlueFreedom about his failures right in front of him. Could go either way depending on personalities.

You said she did it because she KNEW you couldn’t speak/understand Spanish so therefore you didn’t know what she was saying.

Assuming that this was her true reason…well, yes it’s horribly rude and mean.

Now, if it’s a bilingual house (which I’ve been in) it’s totally understandable, but one shouldn’t speak another language to others just to single out another and then not fill them in or anything.

@queens-naaaa abuela was probably just telling her hija she needed to eat more because she was getting too skinny. That’s usually all they talk about.

Been with my wife 20 years. She was born in Argentina and her family is from Italy.

All they ever spoke around me was Italian or Spanish. I never found it rude. I agree with krose1223. It’s their house, it’s what they’re used to.

I will say that it has required the ability to live in my head for a while as they chat away. It’s often when I do my best thinking.

@k jajaja

he said she did it knowing he didn’t speak spanish… Not intentionally doing it so he didn’t know what she was saying. It’s like me talking to my friend in English when we’re surrounded by people who only speak spanish. I would talk to her in english because that is what I am most comfortable speaking. I know the others around me don’t speak english, but I go ahead and do what I know best. I think it’s probably just what they do.

@seekingwolf. There were times that I suspected that my ex-wife and my ex-mother in-law were talking about me on different occasions although I couldn’t conclusively prove it. Maybe some glances my way and other mannerisms during their conversations kind of hinted at it to me. It was a bilingual house but my ex-wife never shared with me what any of the conversations were about after the fact.

@blue- I can understand how that would be frustrating. I imagine those visits got very boring. I guess it doesn’t matter now that she’s an ex though huh?

or maybe they were just talking about how you needed to eat more because you were getting too skinny

Well see now, that’s key. My wife always translates for me.

buenos noches mis amigos

@Krose. How did you know I was that skinny? LOL

Yes, it did get irritating after a while and the closer we got to seperation and divorce, the more she spoke to my former in-laws in Spanish on many occasions. It almost felt like I wasn’t in the room any more or didn’t matter for any reason.

And no, it doesn’t really matter anymore but I was just curious what others here thought. Thanks for the great input everyone.

just one more post
Well if you are ever in that situation again I hope they show you more courtesy. I’m sorry it was like that. Now that you added all those details I can see how you would feel.

Yeah, I thought it might have been way too much information for the question details above. It probably would have ended up reading like a book or something.

Yeah well that’s what we Flutherians do.
I really need to sleep.

@ bluefreedom…I know what you mean.my mother in law is french and she does it all the time to us too.:(

my friend’s ex used to speak spanish to his friend in front of her constantly when they would all hang out, and although she didn’t get mad, it frustrated her because she felt like they were (and they probably really were) talking about her right there. haha
i don’t think it’s rude unless the other person tells the other person it makes them uncomfortable. i can definitely understand it being awkward, but it’s likely that the offender doesn’t realize it haha [=

I’m in a Chinese family living in Canada. I was always taught to accomodate any people that don’t speak Chinese in family settings – we’ll try to either explain what we’re talking about or if everyone knows English just speak that.

Because I was taught to afford that courtesy I would find it rude, especially if it was my spouse…

How is anyone in a bilingual relationship for any period of time without picking up enough to understand how the conversation is going? First of all unless they are discussing work of Antonio Echeverran or Cervantes then you should be able to get the gist of it.

You just need what linguists call BICS (Basic Interpersonal Communication Skills) Thats what anybody can pick up in months when one is around a second language. And in the US most people using Spanish as there home language are really using a lot of Spanglish. They will be using English mixed with a lot of easily understood Spanish vocabulary.

Have you taken the time to actually listen to what they are saying. You will probably find out they are saying the same kinds of things you talk about with your friends and faimily do. That will be the same old complaints about the tardy sister or how somebody’s arguing with his wife or your cousin lets his kids run wild blah blah blah.

I think it’s funny that a lot of Americans get all paranoid instead of listening and learning or just asking what they are talking about in a family setting. lol

Well, you have to understand that it’s her native language so it’s normal. Imagine it the other way around. It’s even hard for her to be speaking English to you. My wife was Greek, and even though I am fluent in Greek myself, she’d often go into the other room and whisper (I am sure it was about me) and she’d be sending messages back and forth to her sisters and never let me near her phone. Yes, I guess that’s rude, though in the light of them trying to kill me while I was asleep, I can’t blame her for the secrecy.

I can understand of is their native language.

It can be rude if they knew you are listening (or wanting to take part in) that conversation.

If it bothers you that much why didn’t you say something to your wife (back then)? Or learn the language yourself so you can understand.

There is a balance – and some patience/understanding required from both sides.

My husband’s English and only knows a few phrases in Faroese. While both my parents speak English, it’s far from fluent, which means they have to think about every word and sentence they want to say for him to understand. As a result, the conversation isn’t flowing very easily and at times they’ll want to say something they either can’t phrase in English or isn’t worth the additional time required for them to translate because it relates only to me – my husband’s very understanding and OK with those situations – and I usually give him a summary of the conversation in English to bring him back up to speed.
It can be a little awkward at times, but where there’s a will…..and so far it works.

Well, My fiance is from uzbekistan, and I know she will be speaking russian to my in-laws. So I am learning russian so that I am not left out. I don’t think its rude to do that, atleast to ones parents, but the people doing it should know that it makes people uncomfortable and its not very good hosting to do it.

@wildflower: Thats exactly how it’s always worked with my wife and inlaws.

On a side note; my daughter, who we adopted from China, spent about 3 days a week with my inlaws while we worked. Their English is mediocre at best. Our pediatrition suggested having them only speak Italian to her. He figured it’s better to hear proper Italian than poor English.

Now she’s 6 and speaks Italian, English, and a little Spanish.

I know my husband and mother-in-law speak Spanish when they don’t want me to be a part of their conversation. Whatever, totally not worth getting pissed off about. I know they both like me well enough to tell me if either one has beef with me. Otherwise, I’ll just assume they’re planning a surprise for me. I figure why put motives there that aren’t there?

When I was little, my mother’s family spoke Ukranian at the dinner table and my father’s family spoke German at home. I couldn’t speak either but could track most of the conversations, except for jokes. My mom never learned German, and my dad never learned Ukranian.

My mother’s family had a habit of talking about people who where in the room as if they weren’t there, as in my husband and I would be sitting in the living room, and my mom would come in and ask me “Do you think he will want pork chops for dinner?” as opposed to asking the question of both of us, or asking, “D, would you like pork chops for dinner?” Annoyed the heck out of me.

Altho I understand what many of you are saying, as someone who only speaks Enghish, I still think this was incredibly rude. Especially if Blue thought at times they were keeping things from him & even talking about him.

Blue, I’m sorry you went through that. I would have never done that. If I had a spouse I knew didn’t speak the language, I’d make damn sure he knew what was going on. If this is an example of your first marriage, I can understand why she’s an ‘ex’.

My stepdad doesn’t speak Chinese. I speak Chinese to my grandparents. Sometimes to my mother. He gets pissed off when I don’t translate. There are some things that are so trivial that you simply don’t need to translate it’s just a waste of time. When he speaks German with his family, he doesn’t even attempt to translate. And yet he wants me translate every single word. That is rude.

I agree that it is very rude to speak in a foreign language in a group when even ONE person does not understand that language, regardless of the situation. The other members are obligated to divulge what transpired and when/if they don’t they are creating an uncomfortable situation for the non-speaker.

I don’t personally believe people are unaware they are being rude. Sometimes it is a subtle form of malice, control or domination. It’s the obligation of someone in that group to speak up and translate.

Blue, it sounds like you were trying not to rock the boat further by speaking up, but after the trillionth time it happened, it’s a moot point to even complain if you hadn’t made it a regular habit. It’s no fun pointing out other people’s social errors, but it’s worse being subjected to them on a continuous basis.

I suggest if this happens to anyone in the future (1) Let it slide the first time; (2) second time object (humorously or not, up to your emotions at the time); (3) Third time leave the room making your point being taken (ie zero tolerance). If you can’t leave the room, start a discussion why it is rude to talk in a language foreign to others, in a tone which suggests they don’t have the intellect to understand that without your merciful assistance.