A horrible question.

A lot would depend on the age of the boy.

Old enough for you to have for sure taught him better.

I would be sure he never had the chance to do be alone with her again. I’d also make sure that she knew she didn’t do anything wrong and that she’d be protected. Counseling all round would in order. I agree with DrasticDreamer that the age of the boy would matter quite a lot.

Oh, God. That’s a fucking dilemma there, krose. It would depend on a number of things, age of the boy and the age difference being among them. Did it happen once or repeatedly? Assuming it’s as terrible as it sounds and not a case of playing ‘doctor’ gone awry, the first thing I’d want to know is if he’d been abused himself. Counseling for both, definitely. If the girl was very traumatized, then I’d have to give serious thought to splitting up the family in some way. Maybe the boy goes with Dad, the girl stays with Mom.

Ok, this boy was 14… We’ll say in my scenario he’s atleast a teenager.

And the girl? How old is she? How long had it been happening and how did they find out?

she was 6. it didn’t go into much detail after that. But for the sake of the question let’s say it has been happening a few weeks, less than ten more than five times. And we’ll say the girl told the parents.

14 and 6. Yep, that’s as bad as it sounded. I’d want to kill the little shit, even if he was my son..

I’d say therapy all around. Send the boy to an all male military/boarding school or keep it so that he lives seperate from his sister. I’d like to think I’d have the strength to see past what happened and still love him; but I don’t know.

My knee jerk reaction is that this would have NEVER happened if I were his mother.

I’m sure it’s more complex than that though… ugh, awful story.

@likeradar- Yeah that’s kinda the answer I told myself. But still, I know sometimes kids are just out of the mothers hands…

I suppose the first thing I would do is get my son (and daughter) therapy. Before I reacted in a harsh way, I would try my best to find out if my son had also been molested, considering most kids don’t do something like that unless something bad happened to them, too.

If it turned out he had been molested, I would just try to deal with it. I don’t know how, exactly. Maybe separate my son and daughter for a while to assess the damage done to both children and to assess whether or not I thought it was something they could both get over, while still being able to live with each other, eventually. Under no circumstances would my daughter ever be left alone with her brother, ever again. Once she reached an age she could begin to fully understand what happened, I would leave it entirely up to her as to whether or not she wanted any kind of contact with her brother. If she decided she didn’t want any, I would work something out, somehow. This is all assuming he knew what he did, why he did it and that it was wrong and felt sorry for it.

If he hadn’t been molested… I really don’t know what I would do. Therapy, again. But I don’t think I could keep him around. 14 is old enough to know, on some level, that what he did was wrong.

My first action would be to totally isolate the kids from each other by having the son placed in a residential care setting. I would choose one that could handle the complexities around predatory sexual behavior of adolescents. There is something in the 14-year-old’s thinking that has gone terribly wrong and is probably the product of abuse he’s suffered. I would get the girl in pretty intense therapy, too. If the boy was proven rehabilitated, I would request that a family member without children assume parental rights, with visitation in place. If no family member was available, I would seek theraputic foster placement.

As tempting as it is to say that I would want nothing to do with the boy, he would be my son, the baby I loved and brought joy to my world. It would still be my obligation to give him all the necessary help to recognize the deviant nature of his actions. It would also be my responsibility to protect my daughter, which I would do.

I would turn to the social office in town for support and help. I would also take him and my daughter to see a psychologist, in different times I guess. This dilemma calls for professional help, both for me and my children.

I’d take a frying pan to his face the day he got out of jail. Which I would have been damn sure he was put in.

But I have a tendency to let anger tell me what to do instead of the other way around. Probably counseling, and definite removal of the boy from any possible contact. I’d shove him cross-country if need be.

My first reaction:
• pillow
• apply pressure while sleeping
• shovel
• dig hole in back yard
• done

But truly, gimmedat has it right.

Ohh man that makes you think.

Well I am a boy, so I’ll put the ‘father’s’ perspective. I might have called nine one one and send him to jail. But I would still love him. And I might never treat him the same ever again.

[edit]: That was good cak. I would do the same.

And I did this just to save space in case you are wondering.

Oh God. This will keep me thinking for the day. So many things need to be answered and for the protection of the daughter, I gotta say he would need to live (for both of their protection) with either a relative or DSS would need to be involved in placing him in temporary care.

Immediately, I’m wondering if he was molested. I know that is not always the answer, but he’s a minor, as well, and certain logic leads to needing that question to be answered. However, he still needs to know what he did, how damaging it is and he needs therapy and punishment. Grounding isn’t the answer, here.

Both children need therapy. The girl needs to feel secure in her surroundings and it may mean that the boy must remain out of the home, for an extended period of time.

I sure as hell wouldn’t allow him to be alone with her or any other child, ever again. I would have to involve someone else, immediately, because I’m just not sure I could control my anger, hurt and disgust long enough to not hurt him. Having been a victim of sexual assault, I can’t tell you how much this angers me.

I would also wonder if he’s ever done this before.

My son has not assaulted anyone that I know of but with his other psychological problems it is a strong possibility, especially with his impulsivity and hypersexuality. Being aware of that has strongly affected my parenting style and skills.

We had one complaint from a neighbor some years ago of “playing doctor” but since both kids were the same age (and quite young) we simply kept the kids apart for a while until the other child was definitely old enough to report accurately if something happened again. I have not heard any other complaints directly so I have to hope nothing has happened.

There is a rumor that he may have been involved with another child, but she is older than he, is the one who taught him certain swear words, and her mother has never contacted me at all. When I attempted to check out the rumor her mother was rude and refused to talk to me. Another neighbor with a son the same age as mine refers to that woman as “That…. witch” so her enmity isn’t strictly directed at me. My daughter also refuses to play with the girl, saying she is mean and a liar.

Just in case, I make sure my son is never alone with my daughter or small children without me or my husband present. He also does not get to spend the night at someone else’s house when there are young children there. The excuse is that he has to take medicine.

In addition, my daughter has a dead bolt on her bedroom door so he will leave her alone when she is sleeping and so he can’t steal her stuff, as he has been known to do. He hasn’t tried anything sexual with her but he does wake her up at times when she needs to sleep.

My son does go to counseling, takes psychoactive medications, and has been in residential treatment. He knows that certain behaviors will lead to a 911 call and possible separation from us.

Although molestation by others is often the cause of a child molesting others, there are other causes. Impulsivity can lead to carrying out such behavior even when the child knows it is wrong. Hypersexuality, a symptom of certain mental illnesses, can also lead to that sort of behavior. Sociopathic tendencies can lead to it as well as can narcissistic traits.

14 year old boys are frequently not in very good control of themselves and so on general principles I wouldn’t leave one alone with a small girl. If one has actually carried out an assault, then the police need to be called and the boy definitely needs counseling, residential treatment, and possibly diagnosis and medication. Depending on the diagnosis he may need to be permanently removed from the home. He certainly needs to be removed for a while.

I have to admit that our house is not a typical one. My son has been known to have psychiatric problems for some time so I have had to develop parenting skills not found in the typical family. I have always encouraged my daughter to be strong and express herself with words. I have always insisted to my son that when a girl says “no” that means “stop right now!” I have always kept a closer eye on the kids than most parents do to forestall any unfortunate events. I know that other parents aren’t as on guard as I am so sometimes a bad situation can seem to occur out of the blue.

In any case, a 14 yo boy is not an adult, and is often not entirely in control of his actions (14 yo boys are still middle schoolers remember). If labeled an unredeemable character at 14 he will very likely live down to expectations for the rest of his life. However, if you can get him treatment, get him to understand why what he did was wrong, and convince him he is still worth loving, he may be able to become a good and conscientious man.

The daughter of course also needs support just as much as her brother, but to reassure her that she did nothing wrong especially if she was indeed innocent of enticement. Most girls would indeed be totally innocent, but bear in mind that a few girls have psychiatric problems as well. I have met a few of them in my experience with residential treatment. Why they themselves behave that way I haven’t known, but I have seen very enticing behavior from some disturbed girls.

In any case, it is our primary job as parents to love our children and to provide them with the best possible upbringing. If this includes hypervigilence and separation from siblings, then so be it.

As difficult as this is, I would really hesitate before sending my kid to jail. While there is clearly something wrong, and something needs to be done, jail make an emotionally and mentally fucked-up kid think he was a criminal. And while he has committed a crime, with the correct counseling and treatment, he still has the potential of recovery and a normal life. Boarding school. 5 day a week counseling. But not jail. Emotional problems frequently are augmented by jail. Even juvenile ones.

I’m so sorry for this family.

Everyone keeps saying you would give the boy to a family member to be raised separately, but honestly if any of you were this boy’s aunt or uncle… Would you take his ass in?

This boy was more than likely molested himself, saddly. Sure doesn’t make it right of course. Just a awful situation all-round.

@asmonet – I wouldn’t because I have a 14yr old girl and a 5 yr old son. I don’t think that as a mother, that would be in their best interest. Looking at the big picture, there needs to be some help for this boy. I’m not focusing my sympathy on him, I would venture to say he needs help. Jail probably isn’t the best choice for this child, as he would be a target, himself. There are programs that are geared for sexual offenders and this would be a better option for this boy, along with further therapy and very structured visits with other children. He should not be left alone – unmonitored with any other minor.

As a family, there are times when you have to make some very tough decisions. To take someone in or not to take someone in, as an Aunt, Uncle, Cousin, Grandparent this decision may have to be made, but it’s not easy and I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer. While I honestly don’t know what I would do, I think I would struggle with sending him to a stranger or juvenile detention, especially not knowing if he was molested, as well.

Um, in the one case that I know about personally, the father was also a molester, and the son learned it from him. I’m not quite sure how. Probably alcoholism was involved.

So, I’d try to see what my husband was up to, and I might consider divorce, and splitting the kids. Then again, maybe I wouldn’t want to be separate from the boy, because if we were together, and I was capable of it, I could really help with his psychological reform.

Unfortunately, I have to wonder about the skills of parents, and history of parents where these things happen. My suspicion is that everyone in the family is in trouble in one way or another. The mother may have been abused, herself. This family needs a lot of professional help, and the sad thing is that they will probably not get what they need.

To be honest, I did not read all of the answers, especially the longer ones (which I assume are also the better thought of).

My reaction would be not to jump to conclusions. I would isolate the children and work on the problems individually myself first. Perhaps get help if I really felt I could not handle it, but I would not give up on the boy just like that. I’d try and understand the reasons (after all he’s my son, right?) and see where I went wrong. I’d love him just as much as my other child and get through the hard times as a family.

Having said all that, I’m in a similar situation right now, except that the “boy” is 60 and he’s not my son, so yes, the pillow option seems a good idea. But I’m still trying to sort it out myself. Don’t forget the damage done to the girl even after the event.

@Jack: Good luck.