Every person you have ever slept with is invited to a banquet where you are the guest of honor...

How much fun we’re not having.

Haha

places I’d rather be, and why there aren’t as many women here as there should be.

“Was it good for you?”

“Hi there honey! Looks like it’s just us two here!...WOW look at all the food”

I think I would thank all of my former lovers for showing and teaching me warning signs and positive ways to see depressing situations I would then end with a big burp on the microphone and tell them that they all made the best decision of thier lives. I would then kiss my wife and exit. If it was not for my former lovers I may have never known how truly beautiful my wife is.

judochop – well said! :)

It would be a great opportunity to find out everyones names.

I’m kidding!

richardhenry – Hahahaha! ;)

I’d talk about what I learned from all of them. I’d tell a story about each one. Also, it would be cool to see the ones I can’t remember. This is not because there are very many. It’s just that my memory is not good.

seekingwolf beat me to it.

“Honey, I swear nobody else is coming.”

There’s an open bar, right?!!

fluther is really bringing the literal _lol_s tonight.
lurve @ richardhenry for that haha

“Ladies and Gentlemen – it was real, and it was fun…and here’s my husband: the Last Laugh.”

sounds like a not-so-celebrity roast to me!

This idea reminds me of this short verse.

Everyone I’ve been with has contributed in some way to who I am today. Thanks. However, it’s over for a reason, and I’m going to go home now. There is snuggling waiting for me.

I’d say….i hope your all wearing name tags so i remember what your names are then laugh real obnoxiously and run off the stage chicken leg in hand!

I would tell them I invited them there because I have a VD and then say, “enjoy the food!”. I am still friends with many of them so I would probably have a lot of fun. If I were single I would probably try to hook up with some of the better ones.

What did you say your name was?

I would also thank them for what they taught me, and wish them well in their lives. Then I would spend the next twelve minutes extolling the virtues of my wonderful wife.

I’d get my understudy to speak.

My Speech, Edited for Length

I want to say thank you to everyone for coming here tonight. I am absolutely shocked that you all could be here, however seeing as this is a hypothetical fantasy I suppose anything is possible. I hope everyone is enjoying the food. Is there enough vegetarian dishes? I know most of you have dabbled in the past with being vegetarians but with exception of one, almost, I’ve never known any of you to actually stick to, well anything really. Also thank you to everyone who stuck to my biggest to smallest seating chart; I know it was a little confusing when some of the more, should I say petite ladies, showed up and had to ask the should I say, not petite ones, to move to the back. But now that I see what the years of partying have done to your faces I kinda wished I’d done it the opposite way around. <pause for laughter>
Some of you will already know each other and no doubt some of you car-pooled to get here. I also expect some of you to be shocked at seeing one another. And you’ve all been trying to get your time-lines straightened as to whom slept with me at what time and did it happen while we were together or while we were broken up and why didn’t I tell you yada yada yada. I know it isn’t in your nature to let things like the fact that I have ever slept with anyone else ever or that you think you’re competing with some invisible sex goddess from my past who could do everything in bed better than you, but please try for now. As for me I always like to think of every woman as a virgin until she has sex with me. It’s good for the ego all around. I’d like to say congratulations to the married and the divorced as well as to all the mothers. I’m sorry I couldn’t be your husband or father your child. Despite what any of you might think, I do want to be a husband and some day a father. But it needs to be a partnership, 50/50, or sometimes 60/40 when one of us are sick or working overtime but mostly split down the middle. All of you are here tonight because you failed miserably. Maybe it just wasn’t our time but whatever the reason I hope you all have gotten over much of your selfishness, especially the moms.
<break>
Now for the men. It was probably hardest for you to come here and have your sordid pasts exposed but I think it’s a good idea to get these things out in the open. I just want to tell you that I’m okay and I don’t have any real issues with it and I urge you as well, not to have any either, but just remember, you initiated it. But so what, one was just kids experimenting and the other well, let’s just say that LSD is a hell of a drug!
<pause for laughter>
But seriously enjoy the roast and the Bananas Foster. Don’t forget the free t-shirts on you way out and have a great night and a pleasant tomorrow.

@welteson: Please use breaks so that some of us with tired eyes can enjoy reading all that text. Thanks