Can you affectionately smile at yourself in the mirror?

When I look in the mirror I see vanity. When I look at my shoes I find humility.

I try but then I laugh because all I can think about is “Daily Affirmations” with Stuart Smalley.

Somehow doing a thing like that seems too artificial to me, or maybe cheating. If I like or love myself, it should be because I earned it, not because I jollied myself into it.

I don’t know. I know these things are said to work, and I know I need them, but the idea of making myself feel good about myself just by practicing thinking good things about myself and my life… it feels so wrong. It makes it feel like feeling good doesn’t mean anything. I want it to mean something.

I do it to see what I look like when I make different expressions, usually while I’m doing my hair out of boredom. I’m glad it worked for you!

When I try to smile in the mirror, it looks and feels artificial.
I’m more likely to smile on a good hair day.

Try smiling at the people with whom you come in random contact; gas station, bank, restaurants, etc. It will perk you and the recipients up.

I’m gonna try that and get back to you…

I like to look mean and moody when I look in a mirror – that’s the look that attracts women right? OK, maybe not. But I do find it slightly embarrassing to smile at myself even though I have no problem smiling at random people.

yeaaa i dont really smile at myself in the mirror, but i do smile at all the random people i see through out the day. :)

i do make funny/retarded faces in the mirror sometimes though o_0

i’ve smiled into the mirror, but not like genuinely. i’ll try it though, sounds like a good plan.

I want to hear some reports back! :-)

@Daloon, there’s this idea in our culture that we are what we do. And if we have judged our actions as not up to snuff, we must be worthless. Is that really true? True for you?

I find that I’m actually more productive and do the right thing when I’m in partnership with myself, so to speak. When I’m angry at myself, the energy that comes from that is short-lived. Being with myself in the mirror, checking in with myself (smiling or not), helps me come home to myself. That’s my experience.

I don’t know if we’re worthless, but wasted potential seems like a crime. I suppose crimes result in a jail sentence, but it would be like debtors prison: if you are in prison, how can you pay off your debts? If one believes in rehabilition, one can teach the criminal to reach their potential. If one is a true radical, one upsets the system, and redefines the law so that the crime is no longer an offense. However, this latter approach can never overcome the idea that one cheated in order to get out of jail. Unless you actually believe the law was a gross miscarriage of justice in the first place.

What you say about praise being a better motivation than anger and criticism is true. Or, at least, I always felt it was true when others were trying to change my behavior. However there is an exception to that rule. I get to criticize myself. No one else does, but I get to. Though, if someone else does criticize me, I believe that they must be right. Not in all cases, but certainly in many, particularly the emotional situations.

One side effect of no one else getting to criticize me, is that no one else gets to praise me. I am the final arbiter of what I have done. I think I write in order to “be with myself.” It’s a way of finding out what I’m thinking. One thought: I feel extraordinarily lucky to have two happy, talented children, when their father is so miserable. I do my best to shield them from my inner angst.

@Daloon, Your inner arbiter gets to decide about whether your actions are praiseworthy or worthy of criticism. That seems wise to me.

But do you really let that part of you decide how worthy of love you are? You might want to consider letting love in, independent of judgment and arbitration. I appreciate your engaging with me on this one.

okay, so a few hours ago i just got in like this really terrible mood, and i thought about this, and i smiled into a mirror, and you know, it did kind of lift my spirits a little, no kidding. i don’t know if it’s genuine enough, but i’m going to keep at it. awesome idea.

Hmmm. Love is tricky. If you’re feeling unlovable, it doesn’t seem right to let people love you, does it? Of course, you want and need that love more than anything, but it is tainted, because you can’t let it in. It’s not right. It’s undeserved.

Now, this is not something I have control over. When I feel that way, no amount of logic or affirmations will change that. The only thing I can do is to not let myself get that way.

Still, “letting love in” makes me squeamish. Love is so private, and the vulnerability required can sometimes be too much, even if the alternative is death. I don’t know why this is. All I know is that it happens.

Also, there are the usual questions: What is love? How can I tell if the love is real? Is it still love even though it’s not what I want? Is it love when the hormones aren’t firing wildly, like they did when we first met, and I couldn’t think of anything but her? Can I afford to be loved when it seems like it would be easier to die?

Love is a great responsibility. Maybe the greatest. I can’t do honor to that, when I feel so bad about myself. I don’t want to mislead anyone. If they are to love me, they must know all the bad things about me. Oddly, telling people the shit sometimes makes them fall in love with me. Go figure. They say it’s because I’m honest, but I wonder if virtual honesty…. aw, never mind. If virtual honestly leads to virtual love, what’s the diff? None of it is real.

So, reality is much harder, because there are real people and real responsibilies and a wife and children depending on me, and my wife stuck with me and I tried really hard to beat her off, and after that, I knew she loved me. No one would have put up with that shit, if they didn’t love the person giving them shit.

I still always wonder why. I know that if I were her, I wouldn’t love me. I’m too difficult, and not worth the trouble. And that’s what confuses me. I feel like I’m selling tainted goods. I feel like a con artist. So, in an ethical world, it’s wrong to let someone love me. I mean, I think that others would agree that I’m terribly difficult. They don’t seem to agree that I’m not worth the trouble. Or, to put it positively, they seem to believe I am worth the trouble.

I know I should let them. Just let it in. But it seems so wrong. Although, it’s trickier than that, because I also do believe I’m loveable. But I need to test it all the time, and I believe that’s wrong, and so it curls back in on itself, twisted in that kind of mobius strip way that my mind always ends up in: good is bad is good. Or sometimes: bad is good is bad. Depending on which way the glass is filled.

I ao\plogize (I’m getting tired of apologizing) for the length and lack of lucidity of this, but I tend to use this place as a personal diary, and sometimes I can’t work things out very quickly. I’m kind of slow and lazy that way. My thoughts also often seem quite confused.

@Daloon, I hear all that. And I invite you to just try it. This is just about you – your relationship with yourself – no one else.

I believe we all have many parts within us. The inner arbiter, as you indicated, could be one part of you. If that makes sense to you, could it be possible that there is another part that loves you?

When I said you might consider letting love in, what I meant was to let it in from that part. Or if you believe in it, from some higher self, Source, God, etc.

I’ll speak for myself now. I believe there is a part of me that loves me unconditionally. No matter what. When I be with myself in the mirror, I let that part of me that loves me smile, and speak lovingly to me. I did it every night for a couple months, and now it’s a habit. When I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror now, most times, it’s like, “Oh, there’s someone I love over there. Hi Love!” I can’t tell you how good that feels.

That’s where my question came from – inviting y’all to try out that experience and see if it works for you.

Depends on my mood but generally yes, then I start realizing why I should love myself all over again.