My coworker's mother just died. we are quite friendly. should i go to the wake and funeral, or one or the other?

Wake. And send flowers. Because I think funeral are more for family and close friends.

I would also suggest wake and possibly a donation to an appropriate charity of their choice in a week or so. There will be mountains of flowers and they don’t last very long.

A wake, and if you want to give something gift certificates for food are a GODSEND.

I think that with the relationship as you describe, it would be a mark of respect to go to both. I think your co-worker would be glad of your support during this time.

If you knew his mother, jotting some personal remembrance of her (you loved her spaghetti; she always had a smile for everyone) on a sympathy card would have great meaning for them as well.

gailcalled has the right idea.

My inlaws, who are from Italy have a saying, “you go out of respect for your friend. You don’t ask, you just go.”

I presume wake=viewing? If so, I would just attend the wake….. Unless we/our families were close enough to have previously socialized outside of the context of work, I wouldn’t want my co-workers to attend a family member’s funeral.

I would say, unless they have specifically stated that the funeral is family or private, that you GO to the funeral too. Just being there means so much. People who wish this to be a private family mourning time usually indicate that on the obituary.
I had a friend whose mother, father in law and dog all died within a short time of each other, and on top of that a customer died while renting one of her planes, all in one year. All I did was show up. I was there to protect her from the press (in the plane incident) and just there to quietly be there for the other, even the dog. (She accidentally ran over it. very sad.)
When my father in law died she said, “I don’t know how to help people like you do.” All I ever did was show up. That’s sometimes all you can do and sometimes means the world.

I agree; go to the wake, donate to charity, perhaps treat your friend to lunch at some place nice when he comes back to work.

My father died last Saturday, his Memorial was yesterday. We didn’t have the two separate services, but I can’t tell you how much we appreciated friends, co-worker (his and ours) coming to pay their respects and also to show us love. We asked for donations, and really asked for no flowers. I finally had the chance to thank those that gave up vacation time for him, to extend his time, enough, to reach full retirement benefits. He had been in and out of the hospital so often, that he was coming up short. I was thankful that his entire team was there, they were such a big part of his life.

I had friends that may have only met my Dad once or twice, but they were so comforting to have around us. My Mother appreciated it, too.

If the service is private, respect those wishes. If you are not comfortable with the funeral, don’t go. Attending the wake is a wonderful way to be there for your co-worker.

I truly appreciated each and every person that came to the wake, funeral, and subsequent memorial for my Dad. The days were a blur, but cak is correct in saying it’s very comforting to see familiar faces. You are kind to want to be there, do what you can.

Flowers are the faces of friends and family, especially absent ones. I appreciated and looked carefully at every single basket and card sent in honor of my mother and felt the comforting presence of each sender.

update: i went to the wake on thursday night and then the funeral and party after on friday night. a lot of work people were at the wake, and about 5 people from my job attended the funeral and party. i was glad i was supportive of my coworker.

thanks, all, for the advice!

Thanks for updating us!