How do I tell my Mother it's ok to slow down and don't worry about who gets what - right after my Father's death?

It sounds like she’s doing the ‘keep busy’ thing to deal (or not deal) with her grief. Maybe you could point that out to her, and suggest that she keep busy in some other way if she feels the need to. Tell her that you are not ready to handle this task just yet. Again, my sympathies to you and your family.

Thanks, augustlan, I’ll try that tomorrow. I think I’m so afraid of doing something to upset her, I’m afraid to say no to some of the things she’s been asking to go ahead and do.

Just be gentle with her (and yourself).

Sweetie. Sorry.

You KNOW it’s not about furniture.
Right now nobody can make much sense. Don’t worry about any of these decisions. Let it all flow. It’ll change in its own time.

So sorry.

There’s probably no stopping her. This is how she’s coping. You might very gently mention she wait a bit – but she could be very determined.

Within 3 weeks of my father’s death, my mother sold everything of my father’s on eBay or gave it away to her “friends” from work. I haven’t been to the house, but my aunt tells me it was like he never existed.

Right after my dad died, my mom gave away all his clothes. She said she couldn’t bear the smell of him. I understand, but I really wish I had a few shirts or something. A few weeks later, she died too, and it was up to me to decide what to do with all the stuff. I was so overwhelmed I just chucked it. Unbeknownst to me, family friends would sneak into the trash, and to this day I’ll see something totally small and insignificant, like my dad’s cheap big-button calculator that used to sit by the phone, or my mother’s chicken-pattern oven mitts, and I’m really glad they saved them.

My advice is that your mom is probably doing anything that keeps her going right now, all the more important that it’s fulfilling a dying wish. Even if you don’t need or want it yet, take as much as you can store, and re-evaluate it in a few years. The littlest things are tied to memories, which are all we have left.

I’ve been holding your question in my mind/heart for the last hour, and it just occurred to me…

How would your father want you to handle this?

@Trustinglife – he was more like me, think about it and then act; however, my mother is more impulsive and then regrets her decisions. After sleeping on it, my husband suggested that when she says it’s our day to pick up things, he’ll pick them up and place them in the house, so I don’t have to go through things. When I am ready, it will be there for me to do – and also, if she wants something back, it will be there for her, too. My dad wanted life to go on, and for us to work together.

I’m glad my husband has the ability to put his thoughts together, well, at least for a few moments. Neither of us want to do anything that could possibly hurt her.

Cak, your husband is one smart cookie, and sounds like a great guy to boot.

@Cak – that is exactly what I was going to suggest, having now been the recipient of massive amounts of stuff from both grandmothers and from my parents’ downsizing from the huge family home to a two-bedroom apartment. Take what she wants to give and store it. If you can afford it, you might even rent a climate-controlled storage unit. Then, when the time comes, it will all be there.

I helped my mom clean out her mother’s apartment and kept her from throwing away so many things that other relatives (and even she) wanted later on.

I knew I liked your husband for some reason (well, there seem to be a lot of reasons although I have never met him).

Hang in there – it does get better.

@augustlan & darwin – yeah, he’s a pretty great guy. Knowing his pain, he was close to my dad, having him have a clear mind is wonderful.

@darwin – you always have had a good sense of things. He’s a great guy to have around. I’m pretty lucky.

great answers! Take Care, CAK! :-)

I always think we need to take a little while to ponder an irreversible act. If you don’t do it now, you can always do it later. If you do it, it cannot be undone.

@cak, how about suggesting that she rent a storage unit temporarily and move some things there? That way it may satisfy her need to deal with things without rushing you and other family members to make decisions and adopt what are currently more reminders of a great loss than mementoes of a loved one.

@cprevite, the mother of a friend of mine did the same thing. It hurt my friend greatly, and more than twenty years later it still causes him anguish, especially since he revered his father and never got on well with his mother. He never got a chance to have a memento of any kind, and he took the immediate banishment of all his father’s effects as his mother’s final act of aggression. I tried to tell him that the action was about his mother, not his father, and that it took nothing away from his memories of his father, but to me it was actually an incomprehensible deed for which there was no way of comforting him. Now I think it may have been very much more complex than that, and perhaps her way of coping with the profound change in her life, but it still had incalculably harsh effects on my friend.

WELL…THERE ARE TWO WAYS TO HANDLE ANY SITUATION ONE CAN BE LEAVE ALL ON HIM,,,AS IN GOD AND SECOND,,,JUST LEAVE EVRYTHING ON TIME,,,TWO THINGS NO ONE CAN CHANGE,,,GIVE UR MOM TIME AND TRY TO KEEP HER AS HAPPY AS U CAN,,,,LOVE

@MEGHA Please turn off your caps lock. Thanks.