I'm a 25 year old woman dating another girl. It's my first "dating" experience with a woman and she tends to be touchy feely in public. I like it, but it makes me nervous too (thinking of hate crimes, etc). Does anyone have any advice on what I should do or how to be less concerned?

Be yourself. Don’t change for other (closeminded) people. And certainly don’t change your behaviour based on what you think they are thinking. Be the change that your looking for.

Society has set an image of disliking towards gays/lesbians which people have been accustom too. Although this doesn’t apply to everybody it effects how you see yourself with your new partner and the judgmental media. If you are truly comfortable in this relationship you should confront her and express your feelings as you have here. Letting her know you appreciate her affectuous desires but is still new to this kind of relationship.

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On the bright side, it’s considered to be “sexy” for two women kissing.
Media influenced as well.

Just be aware of your surroundings because there really are some stupid people in this world who do hate crimes. The other side is, you can’t let it rule your life. Living in fear is no way to live. The trick is to find balance. Maybe you guys could join a local lesbian support group. Getting a good dose of okayness can really build up the self-esteem and that will help dispell fear. You have just as much right to be a couple in love as any other couple in love and you shouldn’t have to think twice about holding hands if that’s what you want to do.

I have to ask – have your come out to your family and/or friends about this relationship? Because that might also be why you are so gun shy about being publicly affectionate. I think you should talk to her about your concerns. Holding hands may be as far as you want to go and she should be fine with that once you express this to her.

Relationships should be about supporting each other – regardless if the relationship is of a hetrosexual or homosexual nature.

“it makes me nervous too thinking of hate crimes” you should be fine, everyone LOVES lesbians. I would think more touching should be encouraged :P

Talk to her about your comfort level, make sure it’s clear it’s nothing to do with her but your own anxiety. And go slow. Ease into it.

Tinyfaery is crafting a response, she is probably far more educated on this one than I.

Just want to say I don’t think uncomfortable feelings about public affection is just a lesbian/gay thing. I don’t likke being overly affectionate with my husband of many years. He is the openly affectionate one, but respects my feelings and gives me space. Like others, I would encourage you to talk to her about your feelings.

Assess your own comfort level. You might feel completely comfortable making-out at a club, and holding hands at the movies, but you might want to be more discreet in areas where you have a reason to feel unsafe. Don’t let your fears stop you from living.

It will be hard at first. You will feel like the whole world is staring at you, judging you, wishing you harm. The reality is that a few people will. The extent to which this will happen is dependent upon many factors. Try not to assume the worst. In time, if you can curb your anxiety and internalize your (possible?) identity, when you have the unstoppable urge to kiss your girl, the world will fade away, and you will feel anonymous again (a luxury most heterosexual couples do not appreciate).

@loser: lurve “a good dose of okayness”

ease into it – ....until you are comfortable too!

i remember when i first started dating girls, i felt exactly the way you did. all i can tell you is that you have to talk to her and let her know that this is a new experience for you. and that you like her (which im assuming you do) but to have some patience with you until you are fully comfortable with the public affection.

Dont let other peoples opinions affect your chance of making your relationship with this other female work. you will face many obstacles along your relationship simply because of the fact that its two women. But as far as the public affection goes, relax, you’re in a relationship where the feelings are mutual and you have to enjoy every minute of it!

Have an open conversation with her about your experiences and concerns.

well it depends on where you live I guess. I heard this one story recently about an attack on a lesbian, but that’s just a one-off. And there is always some sort of danger everytime you walk out into the street anyway (you could simply get mugged for example).

I think people are a lot more accepting of female homosexual couples than of male ones to be honest. The image of two girls kissing is less repulsive to even the most bigotted heterosexual man than two men kissing (you should also thank the porno industry for that). And also women seem to be fairly accepting of it.

So I wouldn’t worry about hate crimes so much, though I guess depending on where you live, you may get weird looks. And I’m not sure whether you want everyone to know about this relationship.

The easy way out is to either go to specific places where you know you’ll be ok or meet in public as little as possible. The most important question to ask yourself is: are you comfortable with this relationship?

It’s impressive that you are open minded enough to get into a relationship with another lady so you should keep up with the mentality of not adjusting who you are based on everyone else’s standards. Just tune out the people who gawk and give yourself some time to get used to everything. You’ll be fine!

Um –
jenik didn’t ask how comparatively repulsive it would be to “bigotted (sic) heterosexual men” (like whom? I wonder) if she kisses in public; she didn’t ask if we thought she was open-minded to the proper degree.
Subtext alert.

Thank you all for your responses. I really appreciate it. It’s all pretty new, and something I am still trying to accept within. Most of the people I care about know and are supportive, there are a some that I would love to be more accepting but aren’t, or at least not yet. So it’s just a learning curve I guess. I just try to surround myself with the friends who are supportive and allow the process to happen as it will.

susanc you’re reading too much into it. She obviously is afraid of something, I’m just trying to put it all into perspective. Whether we like it or not, there are people who find homosexuality fine, others who find it weird, and many who find it disgusting. I even once answered a question that started “I know this is dirty but…”. The person using the word “dirty” was a lesbian.

My personal view on all of this is that as long as it doesn’t harm anyone who doesn’t have a choice (ie children) what adults want to do with each other is their business. Different people have different tastes.

Isn’t it the little paranoid feeling that turns you on?