Am I a bad friend?

Feelings are never wrong, but acting on them could be. It seems to me as if you’re feeling a bit sorry for yourself at the moment…nothing wrong with that, we all do it from time to time! If I were in your position, I’d feel whatever I wanted to feel for a bit, and then figure out what I could do to improve my situation, instead of focusing on changing his. And…you’re a good Fluther friend :)

Being friends with someone is a two-way street and also has honesty in the relationship. I don’t know if I’d like being ranked, seems a little odd to me.

Friendship is like any other relationship. It takes work – from both sides. You could try asking your friend to do something, initiate something. If he says no, just give it time.

As far as your feelings, we all get our feelings hurt, sometimes. As far as acting on them, give it time. If you act upon them, while you are still dealing with that initial sting, sometimes you lash out, more than you normally would. Like augustlan said above ^^^^ your feelings aren’t wrong. Just give it some time before you act on it.

You know, when he forgot your birthday, that had to hurt, I’m sorry that happened. I hope he did apologize for that, though. Even if you were gracious and said it was okay.

(I don’t know when it was, but happy belated!)

Oh yes, happy birthday Shadling :) I am notorious for forgetting birthdays…if people didn’t forgive me, I’d have no friends left!

@augustlan, I’d forgive you. I forget, too! But I do make up for it!

Thanks, guys. You’re right, augustlan, I am feeling sorry for myself. Not good!

I guess I just feel that the friendship is slipping away like all the others. I have always professed to others, “Friends come and go. Deal with it.” But I guess I thought this one would be different. I’m angry that it’s not lasting. And when I get angry at others, I get angry at myself for being angry. And then I get angry at the people for making me angry at myself. Spiralspiralspiralspiralspiral…

I will talk to him… when I see him, alone. That rarely happens.

And yes, the ranking thing is odd and annoying. I hate it, hate it, hate it…. No way should you rank people by importance. It makes me jealous of his ex sometimes. Ugh, the ill feeling of jealousy. See, then I get mad that he made me jealous, then I get mad at myself for being mad, and so on…

Thanks for discussing this with me. It really helps to sort this stuff out, see it in writing. And having Fluther friends help me out feels good.

(Thank you for the birthday wishes, also – it was a couple weeks ago. I don’t blame you for forgetting/not knowing, though. It’s not like you have Facebook messages telling/reminding you!)

Hugs and lurve to you <3

I wish you well! :)

Well, let’s get the bad stuff out of the way first: yes, if your friends are drifting away from you, then maybe you’re doing something wrong. It doesn’t have to be something horribly wrong like gossiping about them, but it could also be that you’re spending too much time on fluther and are not that much fun to be with anymore.

As for your other questions:
Yes, it’s wrong to want him to have fewer friends, even though I understand the jealousy.
No, it’s not wrong to want him to sever all ties with his ex, as long as you’re really doing it for him and not for you.
And you have every right to be mad about him not asking you how you are and also forgetting your birthday. But at the same time, as a friend, you should forgive him.

I have a similar problem, though for me it’s a more general, fundamental one. I’ve realised that, by moving around so much, I don’t really have any “best” friends (even though I have plenty of good friends in every place I’ve lived). The three people who would top my list would not even have me as #10 on theirs.

Get new friends, it will be hard but it has to be done if the ones you have no longer care about you. It is a life cycle. New and old, growth and death. Change is inevitable. You will be all right. I promise.

Jealousy only hurts yourself, not others. Even if you try really really hard.

Is it also possible that you would like this guy to be more than friends? Even if it’s on a subconscious level? Because that would explain the jealousy a lot better. Just a thought.

You know how I learned to deal better with jealousy? I go and make a sincere effort to be friends with the thing I’m jealous at. Works every time (every time I actually try, that is).

@Jack79 – Hahaha! Yes, all Fluther and no social life make shadling a dull girl. Dull, to non-Flutherites.

I got over the jealousy of his ex a long time ago, actually. I like his ex a lot, I just don’t like the way he treats my friend sometimes. I don’t think their relationship is healthy at all.

It’s the jealousy of the masses, the huge network of people he knows, that bothers me. You’re right, @ACTORDAVIDTRAN – the jealousy just eats away at me. It won’t solve anything to feel this way.

I really do forgive him for all those small things. I’m just annoyed that he doesn’t sense that I need more from him. It’s definitely wrong for me to expect him to be psychic.

I once thought I liked the fellow as more than a friend. I’m pretty sure I don’t anymore, even though I’m so friggen attached to the guy and can’t figure out why. Either way, the chances of us ever moving past the friendship stage are slim to none, as he is gay and has told me explicitly that he didn’t see me as anything more than a friend.

Anyway, thanks for your response, @Jack79. I can really relate to what you’re feeling. It’s what I’m afraid will happen to me. I’ve always had friendships that are strong on both sides, and the prospect of not having one anymore is troubling me. I tried, as @ACTORDAVIDTRAN suggested, to make new friends, but it’s hard to weave yourself into someone else’s life. It’s a slow process, and I’ve forgotten how hard it can sometimes be.

Sometimes I see users on the Internet and think, “Could they be my friend?” Connecting with people is hard, even (especially?) on the Internet. Anyway, @Jack79, if you’re feeling as lonely as I am, then you should message me, and we can chat and maybe find friendship. Actually, hang on. I’ll message you now.

@nocountry2 – What you say is very true. I did that once already for my friend, but it seems I’m going to have to do it again…

If the real friend knows you wery well than that friend will be your friend forever.NO mather what are you doing evan you have to avoid the time to spend with him or her.The ex has no force about it ony you thing that the ex is involve in it….......

Being depressed or stressed over work can take a stain on your friendships, and can heighten your need for security from the ones you value.

Maybe life is changing in such a way for both of you that you’re drifting apart and no one is to blame. The vast majority of the friends I had at one stage of my life are not my friends now. Things changed for all of us and we ended up going our separate ways, no harm, no foul. But there was some grief that I felt at the time, going through all the stages of loss: denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance.

I know that for a couple of friends, I wanted to think that the friendships weren’t over when they clearly were. And then, eventually, I made new friends. You can’t help how you feel about wanting so much of his attention, but I’m sure you know to behave on those feelings will make things worse. You can, however, talk to him about how you feel about him missing your birthday and clear that up, as well as tell him that you feel sad when he doesn’t ask how you are. See what he has to say.

I would strongly encourage you to get involved in some activities you enjoy, even if it’s only one for now, that will put you around other friendly people. It sounds like you’re a bit fixated on him, and that’s not healthy. There are other people in the world you can be friends with and you don’t have to invest so much of yourself on one person.

somebody’s in loooooove

You’re right in that friends do come and go. I think that most people have only a couple of true friends, people that they know they can count on 100%. I suspect that you are most probably that way to him, you’re his anchor, and so he can have all of these other people around him, who he may get along with, and are not necessarily what he would call a true friend, because you will always be there.

I know that you can’t help how you feel about his having these groups that he hangs out with, and I’m thinking that these “friends” who no longer care about you, are the people who you got along with, and weren’t necessarily who you would trust when the chips were down. To be honest, I think that the fact that you don’t have those people around you anymore is a sign that you have matured, you don’t need them.

@AlfredaPrufrock, i agree. Going through a similar situation.
@shadling, I think having a good communication with your friend will help you feel better in the end. I know lately I have consumed my life with all work/school and no play with friends and family, which has caused many of them to resent me, not invite anymore or made me realize that they weren’t really my friends (or probably the other way around). Either way, I knew there were ones that were very important to me, and that I didn’t want to lose, so I apologized for my lost time and told them I wanted to work on having more time for them, as well as hoping they would understand my working schedule and not take things personal when I could not hang out. In the end, though things are still not perfect, I think communicating with them, helped me feel at ease in the end. I also deal with many insecurities, jealousy (a horrible feeling) and anxiety from relationships with friends, a potential bf, family, etc.. but it’s getting better, I think. :)
Hope i made sense. Good luck to you shadling (and ignore those stupid rankings! I know they get the best of me too!

I don’t have any friends either. Welcome to my world. Hop on board.

@aprilsimnel – “Fixated” – it’s a scary, accurate word. You’re right about the activities thing. I spent the winter break cooped up in my house, and when we finally went out, it was disappointing to find that he didn’t really care how I am doing. School is back, though, and I’m going out with friends from class and working on homework. It helps a lot.

@Tantigirl – That was very reassuring. I know that when he’s going through hard times, he’ll turn to me. I just find it hard to reciprocate – call him up and say, “You know what? I need to talk about my problems for once.” Recently, one of my “anchors” drifted away, which really hurt. I guess I’m just afraid it will happen again with this guy.

@millastrellas – Sounds like we share the same insecurities. I think I will take your advice and talk to him.

I’m now reexamining the possibility that I may be in love with the guy.

Keep us posted, shadling. Meanwhile, take care of yourself :)

like augustlan said, do keep us posted. :)

Just feel the need to remind you something here: gay people do not choose to be gay. Which means if he’s not into women, there is no way he’ll ever be into you. So you should not take this personally. There’s some 3 billion men out there that would probably want to date you. He’s just not one of them.

I’ve went through some similar stuff with my friends, Shadling. We had a tight-knit circle and we always did things together as a group. Always. But I knew I was always an outsider to some extent, and I only knew this because I realized that everyone in my group had dated the others of the opposite sex. Everyone but me. I thought it was strange, but we were friends and having fun and living life. (Several of my male friends admitted that they’d considered dating me before but later decided against it. Probably because I’d expressed strong feelings about not getting caught up with silly boys, lol.)

Then people started going their seperate ways. (And one of them was gay as well, which really sucked because he didn’t really tell me ‘til three days before freakin’ prom. >>super frown<<)

I find it difficult to want to get close to people knowing that they might not be around for very long, so I tend to keep my distance. I think I’ve learn to keep to myself out of resentment, anger, and fear, but I wish I knew how to deal with that properly because I’m not sure I’m doing it right as of now.

I guess like people say, you just have to make the effort to make new friends. Unfortunately, I’m not sure I’m at the right place in my self-development to do that now…I just don’t trust people to stick around much anymore. I don’t have to have friends all to myself all the time or anything (I like my space), but when you are friends with someone finding that balance between hanging out and just living your live otherwise can be extremely difficult.

How do you feel, Shadling, about about only having one or two really good friends? Does that bug you, and if it does how come you think that is?

So, after much deliberation, I think it’s time to take a stand and say that, as I’m not attracted to him physically, it’s a very strong platonic relationship we’ve got going on.

I think my insecure attachment is coming from my worry that he’s found other friends to replace me. It’s like I panic when I think this and I grab at him instinctively. So, good news? I’m not “in love” with him. Bad news? I deeply care about him and depend on him for support, but he may not feel the same way about me.

@Jack79 – Well, he’s actually bisexual, but prefers men (according to him, he’s 99% gay). A couple of ladies have interested him, but not me. However, I understand your concern.

@Introverted_Leo – He and I became friends alone. I mean, we didn’t have too many friends in common, so we had a lot of one-on-one time. Like you, I’d lost hope that I’d find a friend who’d stick around when it wasn’t convenient, but there he was!

Maybe that’s too much responsibility to place on someone. I’d characterized my friendship with another person as being something other than run-of-the-mill, but that recently fizzled into nothingness.

I’m cool with having only one or two really good friends. I think that’s what I’d prefer. I probably just romanticize the important of these friends a little too much.

I think that’s the thing that bothers me is that we expect so much of people but are often unable, and maybe sometimes unwilling, to give as much. And then we take those relationships for granted and even for advantage. It happens.

To have a relationship, one the functions off an unconditional love, is the hardest thing to accomplish. And doing the pendulum swing starting from scratch in a relationship then swinging between expectations and disappointemts can just be too much sometimes. It’s crazy. There’s no easy way of maintaining equilibrium. No certainties, no guarantees, just crazy-as* relationships, lol.

Anyways, it sounds like a tough position you’re in, Shadling, with this guy friend of yours. As you said, you feel like you’re an anchor of sorts to him. From the way you talk about it, that just sounds like he hasn’t leanred to really appreciate your friendship. I don’t wish to judge or anything, but that’s what it sounds like. Of course, you said he “may” not feel the same way, so it’s all just speculation.

I guess the question is, how do you go about mending a friendship that feels so…unequal/unbalanced? Tip the scales and hope they stay there for a while?

Like someone said earlier, your feelings can never be wrong. Should you accuse him of being a bad friend? No. But you do have the right to tell him that you feel like you don’t see him as often as you used to and that you miss him.

I hate that too sometimes, when one of your best buds has all these other friends too. & I hate it when a good friend drifts away to where your relationship isn’t what it used to be. You’re not a bad friend, people just drift away from one another sometimes. This is currently happening to me right now with a best friend of mine. Both of our lives are busy, and I know she has been through a lot this year, so I would think she would be keeping me up to date on what goes on in her life, but she doesn’t even check to see how I’m doing anymore. It’s just something that happens, that you just can’t control. Sometimes you have to take head to your own advice to others. “Friends come and go. Deal with it.” It may hurt in the process, but you will also end up gaining a sense of independence which could be a good thing.