How much are you willing to change in order to be in a durable relationship and where do you draw the line?

I am wiling to make changes that I interpret as moving towards becoming a better person, which is an on-going life goal of mine. Other that that, I suppose it would depend on the situation…for example, I like to smoke pot every now and again, and I happen to really enjoy it. I’m not some couch-potato bong-loader, but if my partner had a problem with it, we would have to talk, and hopefully compromise. I guess I would draw the line at them wanting me to be something I am not. If that were the case, why would they be with me in the first place?

I don’t think there’s an absolute line that I drew in the sand and said, “This much, no more.” It evolves. It changes, especially when I learn new things or see ways to grow. Change and compromise don’t have to be bad.

This is a really petty example: a long time ago, I thought sushi was gross. Nothing would get me to eat it, no way. Then I dated someone who liked sushi. I decided to give it a try, especially since she ordered the most inoffensive, cooked shrimp kind on the menu. And I realized that I liked sushi. A lot! And I have shared my love of sushi with other people after she and I broke up.

Was that a compromise, like “I’ll eat sushi to stay with you,” or was it me trying something new and adopting sushi as my own? I think most of the changes/compromises I make in relationships are like that – where I learn new things to try, more efficient ways of doing something, music I never would have heard before. I think that if I stayed the same all the time, I would stagnate, and I’m in the relationship because I like his style, right?

If it comes to the point where I’m not happy with a “compromise,” it’s not really a compromise – it’s a cave-in. If it were something like, “Well, I’ll be with you, but you have to tolerate me sleeping with other people” or something equally miserable, I’d draw the line there. (At least that’s what I’d like to think. I’ve stayed in miserable relationships, but I’d like to think I’d treat myself better than that nowadays.)

I think the best relationships take someone to places they want to go, rather than allowing one to remain in a steady state.

If I’m doing something that bothers my husband, and it’s unimportant or insignificant to me, I am happy to alter my behavior for his benefit. However, my true self, my core if you will, is not negotiable. The key to this is knowing yourself very well, being completely honest about who you are, and finding someone who loves you exactly as you are. It can be done, I’m living it!

I don’t think it’s so much being willing to change for the relationship. I think it’s a matter of taking a deep breath, closing your eyes, and letting the relationship change you. To expect one party or the other to ‘conform’ themselves is a bit on the naive side. People are great at pretending to be someone else for the sake of ‘keeping the peace’, but very rarely make any true inner change.

The relationship would be durable if you didn’t have to change.
i.e. (as I said in your other question) sometimes, if it’s not meant to be, and you’re looking for love, it’s not meant to be.

@laureth, double entendre quietly noted (snicker)

It was a true story. I hadn’t even noticed until you said something, but that’s actually pretty funny. :)

The point at which I feel like I would be losing who I am, I would not be willing to change. Beyond that, I see no reason to be unaccommodating.

Hmmm, I was willing to stop disagreeing with her on things that were important to me in order to stay in the relationship. There were a million little things in this category, and one big thing: sex. And because I agreed on no sex, in the end, that meant no love (because that’s how I express my love).

After a while, this sacrifice became impossible to bear. I needed love (still do, but it’s different now). I thought someone else could make me feel loved, someone besides my wife. Apparently not. I have to work on being able to accept the love others have for me. For me, this is harder than you might expect. Now, if my marriage is to last, I have to give up my inability to feel love. I’m willing, but I’m not sure I know how.

At some point, one must ask oneself if having a relationship is worth the sacrifices one is asked to make. The immediate answer might be yes, because the thought of being without that relationship is scary. However, if keeping the relationship means the death of the very thing that the relationship is built upon (usually love, or the capacity to feel and express love), is it still a relationship worth saving, or is it a ghost, a “relationship” in name only? Perhaps it is worth reviewing now and then to see if the reasons one wishes to keep the relationship at all costs are still valid.

@laureth & kevbo…I knew it. I just didn’t have the lack of balls to say it.

the double entendre…jonsblond owes me ten bucks