Why would a guy act this way and when should I just give up?

Holy post, Tits. That’s long. I shall read and return with an opinion.

I’d dump him, you’re not dating or in a relationship of any kind, you seem to be each others occasional booty calls. At this point I would think one of you at least has an expectation of hooking up whenever you meet. That’s how you both have defined the relationship. Just ignore him and move on, something this casual is not worth the stress. Not ever.

I’m gonna’ go with: He has a girlfriend. He can only talk to you and see you when she’s not around.

Sounds like you are a booty call and a fallback one at that. Only you can decide if that’s what you want to be

Ok, I went the nice route, but yeah Aug has a valid point. :)

I’m with august on this one. The phone game is the problem and the rushing you out the door. Ignore his calls – ignore him – move on. Even if you just want to casually date, this is not the one for that…he’s playing games.

If you think its “just casual sex”, then I’m sure he thinks the same. If you have nothing invested in the relationship then I would just forget about it and try not to read into this so much (unless the sex was something amazing that you don’t think you can get elsewhere). Take control and make it obvious.

If you just want casual sex with the guy and don’t care if that’s all he wants then WTF, keep doing what you’re doing. I mean, if the sex is great I guess it might be worth all the mind crap he’s putting you through.
On the other hand, if you are thinking more than just the occasional booty call, I’d call it quits and move on.

I’m sorry Chuckie, this is an adult conversation. Cover your eyes and ears. And wash your mouth, young man!

I will if you go back to your old avatar.

@Tits- I’m confident you’ll make the best decision for yourself. Now get back to the song title game!

Ha!

<<covering eyes>>

@asmonet The fact that she’s asking means it’s not casual, she would just move on if it was.

How do you expect AC to learn? Pay attention Chuck.

Double-Ha! You didn’t say how long I had to stay like that!
I am however impressed by your ability to type blindly at the tender age of six. Well done, indeed!

@galileogirl: Good point. :-/

the answering and hanging up (especially in conjunction with the other stuff) makes me think the same thing as augustlan, that he has a girlfriend or at least another booty call girl and he doesn’t want either of you to find out about the other one.

if not that, then i’m as confused as you, and my only conclusion is that he’s a weirdo playing mind games just to fuck with your head.

i’m thinking running far far away from him is in order, but you probably already knew that.

You can have sex with anyone, so have it with domeone who cares. Dump the loser.

Does he have issues with technology? I know some people whose phones refuse to obey their wishes. Maybe he isn’t seeing his missed calls.

If you are so interested to know what’s going on, call him and ask why he’s making things difficult. Demand honesty. If you aren’t emotionally involved, that shouldn’t be too difficult, right? If you are involved, though… I’d get out of it, and fast!

@shadling21 – what about him rushing her out of the house though? that’s clearly a bad sign of some kind…

Tits, you’re a funny, intelligent, wonderful girl with a great nickname… even if the guy is just a booty call for you… he’s one who is treating you poorly, isn’t considerate, and isn’t as invested as you are… you can do better and you know it…

He’s not treating you with respect, your actions are telling him that’s what you like…

Babygirl, you are never going to know why this crazy person continues to act like a crazy person. You can ask fluther, or an eight ball, or your mom, or an oracle, and you will never know why he is being FUCKING NUTS.

So stop giving him opportunities to confuse you. This calls for what my darling roommate terms a “clean break”:

(1) Unfacebook him.
(2) Delete him from your phone.
(3) Gmail filter his emails straight to your trash.

Done and done.

If you are really comfortable with this relationship being casual sex, then I would forget his horribly rude behavior, he’s a jerk! But if the sex is truly mind blowing, I would recommend taking things into your own hands -ignore his calls for a little. If he really needs you he can leave a message. Then when YOU feel like casual sex, you can call him, he might say yes. If not than whatever! You deserve better anyway! Otherwise I don’t believe this guy is boyfriend material anyways.

Well said.
(eyes uncovered again)

Why Chuckie, you’ve anti-aged!

Ah, these ladies know what they’re talking about.

@aug – He’s a real, live Benjamin Button.

It sounds like a booty call me to. I know sometimes, and there are very rare circumstances like this, but if I ever answer a phone call, and immediately hang up, it could be a few reasons….I might be in a theater, and forgot to set my phone to silent, or sometimes I will bring the phone up to my ear, only to accidently rub my face on the “end” button. There are all sorts of reasons…but the fact would remain that you are kicked out each time after a hook up.

All the phone problems could very well be circumstantial (though unlikely).

a booty call is a booty call. If you take it for what it is, and look past any sort of emotional attachments, it shouldn’t matter so much. Unless the sex is just terrible, in which case just find someone else.

Maybe just ask him if all he wanted was a booty call, or casual sex to clarify it, just so you’re on the same page. Is that what you were after? Or did you want a long term relationship to happen?

Who cares what the guy’s deal is, move on.

All this drama just to get some?

Even for booty, you have to talk to each other about what your expectations are going in, or crap like this happens. Now you know for next time.

In this case, if he does contact you at all, tell this kid (nicely) not to let the doorknob hit him where the good Lord split him. And don’t you text or call or message this child on Facebook again. This is not worth you waiting anxiously for any amount of time for a phone call when you could be having fun doing anything else.

Also, if there’s no message you only know a call was made from his phone and not that he made it. Sounds like it could be someone checking on who you are. While reading your story I was reminded of a crazy ex of my brother’s. She’d never met me but called me well after midnight from his phone because I was a female name on his contact list. She had me all worried about my brother for no reason. Yikes. Don’t invite crazies in your life. It’s not worth it.

btw, The reason why he didn’t call you until almost the end of break is so he wouldn’t need to deal with you after the hookup. Classy.

Dump him. Totally not worth it, even if the sex is good. There’s plenty of other people to have great sex with.

Now I may be wrong here, but this behaviour seems to me as if he has some other girlfriend (hence the kicking out bit) but she probably doesn’t have your “tracts of land” as someone here put it (hence the calling you whenever he gets a chance).

It is the only thing that makes sense. Unless of course the guy is schizophrenic. In both cases you should stay clear, as it seems to me that you’re not just seeing this as “casual sex”. Unless of course you’re comfortable with just being someone’s slut and being lied to without any hope for a meaningful relationship. The guy’s a jerk and you deserve better.

Let me clarify some things for everyone:

The sex is pretty great, although it wasn’t always (this drama from earlier this summer I mentioned…). I have a hunch that I might have been his first, but we never discussed it. It started out as a hanging out, hooking up, not quite dating, but we liked each other. He asked me to hang out in the first place because we had a lot in common and enjoyed talking to one another. There is some emotional investment – he told me he liked me without provocation the second time we hung out – but I don’t want to date him, mostly because of long distance.

There may be some credit to telling about some of the drama from before… We started hanging out because he asked me if I wanted to. The first time we hung out, we didn’t let things go too far (he went for my belt, but I stopped him, and he was cool with that). We did spend the night together, though. The next time, we would’ve had sex, but he had some problems when we tried (twice). I was completely cool about that part, but then, around 5 am, he essentially kicked me out, saying he couldn’t sleep with someone in his bed. I was also leaving in five days for Europe, and when I left, he told me he probably wouldn’t see me before I left. While I was in Europe, he accused me of giving him herpes. I DON’T HAVE HERPES, I HAVE BEEN TESTED, JUST A DISCLAIMER. We scuffled on facebook about it, and didn’t speak for a month and a half, until my last night of work. That night, I wanted to get things resolved once and for all, so I approached him and asked him if he wanted to smoke with me after work (peace pipe, haha). We did, and we talked about normal things, and he asked me to hang out after. We ended up going to an outdoor sculpture park at midnight, and he finally said that he’d gotten tested and apologized for the whole “herpes” fiasco. We ended up kissing and actually having pretty movie-like, picture perfect sex… until he stopped mid action and said he had to get going. Like, I’m pretty sure he wasn’t finished, but he just STOPPED. Then, on the 30 minute plus drive home, he didn’t say a single word to me. It was pretty surreal. When he dropped me off, I tried to get him to explain, but all he really said was “I’ll probably never see you again, have a good time at school.” I was so confused, but I made him take my number (we hadn’t exchanged them yet because we saw each other so often at work) and told him to call me if he ever wanted to explain what the fuck had just happened. I did actually see him again, a few days later when I went to pick up my final paycheck. He didn’t speak to at all, but I left a note on his car that was never acknowledged. The next time we were in contact was the aforementioned Thanksgiving message.

I wasn’t exactly looking for a relationship, but I feel like he took it beyond just sex by telling me that he liked me without anything to gain from it and asking me to hang out, as well as respecting my wishes about sexual boundaries and whatnot. I’m especially getting frustrated because every time I finally say fuck it, he contacts me again. I do like spending time with him, and I do really enjoy the sex. I’m not hung up on him specifically – I date other guys and I have sex with other guys, too. I also don’t think that he has a girlfriend (I feel like, given the place we work, I would know, especially because I still work with his roommate, though the roommate, as well as everyone else we work with, is unaware that anything has happened between us, though I had to deny it once when asked). I’ve also been kicked out at really strange hours (5 AM? Really?), and I feel like it may be something regarding his ability with repeat performances because he has definitely shot me down for a round 2.

I definitely limit myself to one or two calls between him calling me, and at this point, I mainly just want to know what’s going on and why he’s acting so strangely. Thank you so, so much for all of your response and support! I knew I could count on fluther.

please get rid and get a new one x you know what the right thing to do is deep down where it hurts…

btw I had a crazy girl like that last year. Nothing came out of it in the end. Just a lot of frustration with phonecalls back and forth, countless dates where she just stood me up and me turning her down on the 7 occasions where something could have happened. An interesting story I guess, but still a waste of time.

ps – The original post was going to have all that background, but I thought it’d get so long that people wouldn’t read it at all.

I didn’t read all the posts but I think he just wants you as a F#@K buddy. Sorry.

@Judi : haha, that part I’ve figured out, it’s just the strange behavior that I’m trying to decipher now.

@titsMcGhee; I read your second explination. Now you have me scared that he’s some sort of serial rapist. (I watch to much forensic files)

@Judi: Haha, it was definitely consensual, and I don’t think he has much game, so I wouldn’t worry too much… he is just pretty awkward and acts very strange when we aren’t actually in the same place. When we’re together in person, he acts normally and none of this strange behavior is mentioned.

Hmmm…you mentioned that you might have been his first. He sounds a little inexperienced. Maybe he’s playing out his twisted version of what casual sex means to him. Essentially, it sounds like he’s pulling back (and out) when he might be feeling vulnerable—as a way to regain some kind of control. His lack of erm…control in other areas (twice) may be exascerbating the issue. Either way though, you shouldn’t have to put up with this shit just because he’s got issues. Regardless of what they actually are, he most definitely has issues.)

Yo! He’s got a girl, you’re the girl on the side!!! That’s why the strange behaviour.

@Nimis: The “lack of control” wasn’t his problem… it wasn’t even the inability to get it up, it was the inability to KEEP it up.

@TitsMcGhee ;
could he be gay and using you to try to prove to himself he’s not?

@Judi: I would say no… my “gaydar” is pretty good, and he’s always pretty into the sexual stuff during the act. I haven’t seen or heard about anyone else he’s been involved with, male or female, so I’m not positive, but I my pretty well educated guess would be no.

coulld it be you are wasting your time on a lost cause? who cares about the weirdo? get yourself a normal guy and enjoy life!

@Jack79: Sooooo much easier said then done. When I head back to NYC, I’m asking a boy out who is nice and (as of yet) normal, and hopefully I won’t have to deal with this guy again for awhile. I really just want to figure out what’s going on, and possibly what I’ve done wrong in this situation.

You have not done anything wrong!!!!! He is acting like there is another girl. It’s not you. It’s him.

@judochop : I am pretty positive that I’d be aware of another girl because, like I said, I work with his roommate and have (discreetly) discussed him in general and I haven’t heard anything about another girl, but I guess there’s always a possibility.

Tits:
You seem too smart to be jacked around. Whatever his issues are, and it sounds like he has many, don’t make them your issues.

Even casual sex comes with boundaries and expectations, it’s clear you all don’t have the same goals in mind. And perhaps his initial profession of liking you, was to make you or him feel better about the sex and not a heartfelt confession.

You don’t seem like you’re lacking for better company, and you’re certainly not desperate. Let it and him go.

It wasn’t a mistake, it was an experience you should learn from. Communication and honesty are key to all good relationships, even booty calls.

Let him work out his issues and you make the clean break mentioned above. He’s already treated you poorly, you deserve better. I wish you luck & grace.

@bythebay : Thanks for the support, it’s definitely appreciated. At this point, I really just want an explanation, or at least some indication of what he’s thinking. He has some strange magnetic quality that keeps me coming back, especially since when we’re together, everything goes swimmingly…. until he finishes and completely shuts down his emotions and communication. I was also very confused about why he hung up on me after walking me to my car and kissing me goodbye, but then he calls me. None of the behavior makes sense at all, and I mostly just want to figure it out.

He sounds like a guy who thinks he can call you for a hook up.

@TitsMcGhee: I truly understand that you want an explanation (or few), but be prepared that he may not be equipped to give any. You seem a bit more evolved that he is; he’s got some catching up to do!

@bythebay : I do understand, but being a girl, I can’t stop hoping… But I do believe this is the first time I’ve been paid the compliment of “evolved”... I quite like it. Thank you kindly, sir.

—<@Tits: I’m a girl, too! Just a little older than you!

SOOOOOOOOOOO SORRY and embarrassed, of course… If it’s any consolation, my gender has been called into question on fluther even with the word “Tits” in my username. I also just say “Thank you kindly, sir” all the time.

Tits, how old is this guy, and how old are you?

— @ Tits: No embarrassment necessary,and certainly no offense taken!—

Well, I’ve read all of this which doesn’t always happen with me and particularly long boards and all I can really say is: That’s extremely weird. If you ever find out what the heck was going on, please share with the rest of us.

Also, he kind of sounds like a jerk but it looks like you know that already and are moving on. I can understand the need to figure out what, exactly, just happened and I hope you do.

Have you considered asking him what the crap his deal is? Do you think there’s any chance of getting a straight answer?

@RandomMrdan : 20.

@bythebay: I just noticed you’re an even 3000. I love it when it’s a cool, round number!

@EmpressPixie: I usually don’t read really long boards like this either, haha.

@nikipedia: The only time I’ve ventured there is described in my really long answer. After he drove me back to my car, I point blank asked him what had just happened, and he said “Well… we just had sex, then I drove you to your car.” I don’t know if he honestly didn’t understand what I was looking for in an answer or if he was just messing with me, but either way, it wasn’t a straight answer at all. When I’ve asked him to call me and tell me anything, he hasn’t. On the one hand, he isn’t lying through his teeth, but on the other hand, he isn’t telling me anything at all. He’s a total mystery to me.

First of all, let me say that it seems to me that you are not communicating well with him, and he is not communicating well with you. This is a problem. Since you are not communicating, you are both relying on signs and omens. You don’t know how to interpret the sex, the non-talking, the inability to keep it up, and other behaviors.

Since you can’t interpret them, and you are our only source of information about him, it’s hard for us to interpret, too. So most people think you are having casual sex, or hooking up, or booty calls. By the way, I really hate these terms. Since you aren’t communicating well, people tell you to dump him.

Once again, I seem to be in the unfortunate position of having to offer another theory about this. To me, this story suggests that he feels a lot of shame. He is ashamed of you, ashamed of sex, and probably ashamed of himself in general.

He kicks you out at five in the morning so his roommate won’t know. You do say he has a roommate, and you also say you are telling the roommate is not to know (unless I misunderstood).

He has performance problems because he has grown up with messages that sex is bad. Does he have a religious background? Do you know anything about his parents or his upbringing? Does he go to church? If so, which one? Even if it isn’t religion, there’s got to be something. But I’m pretty sure he feels like he’s failed you when he can’t keep it up, and he is ashamed about that, too. Thus, he is reluctant to get back in touch with, because he thinks you’ll get on his case, in some way, for that.

He said he liked you. What did you say to him? Have you ever expressed any emotion to him? Have you ever told him what you feel about him?

See, this is why I hate “hooking up” (besides being jealous of all the sex you younguns seem to get).

I think there is something more serious between you than just hooking up. You say you don’t want to have a long distance relationship, so it’s just casual. He knows this, and yet, his emotions are probably stronger than that. I suspect yours are, too. I think you both like each other more than you expected to, and you don’t know what to do with that, given your situations.

Anyway, there’s the contrarian view. I’m probably, as usual, just totally messing up, but that’s the theory I have, fwiw.

Well that’s what this site is for daloon, innit? We’re probaby all wrong and the poor sod is on a site called “www.askfluther.net” or something asking “why is this girl acting so weird?”.

I still stick with my original “dump him” response though.

On a completely different note, I also thought “Tits” would be a male name too, because women usually don’t refer to that part of their body, and if they do, they call them “breasts” or “chest” or something like that. You must have balls to call yourself “tits”.

@daloon ;
You may have hit the nail on the head. Many of us “older flutherers” were probably thinking something similar but “guilt” is just not PC concerning sex right now. Fluve to you!!

I think the thing that becomes crystal clear is that casual sex may be a modern concept, it is rarely a reality. Guys will generally be open to casual sex if offered but most women will talk the talk but rarely able to fight 10s of thousands of years of learned behavior let alone biological imperatives.

Guys: What women mean by casual sex is that it’s uncomitted for the five dates or until you use the word “love” or any synonym, whichever comes first. You have been warned!

That’s not a relationship in the conventional or any other sense. My opinion? He’s doing what he damn well pleases and you’re letting him. He’s being a guy. That’s our modus operandi. If you don’t mind having casual sex every now and then (that’s what this is!) keep it going. Otherwise, don’t call him again. But that’s just me.

I don’t even think it matters if a) it’s just casual sex and you both know that and are both OK with it, b) he’s cheating on his girlfriend and can’t find a way to get in touch with you, c) he’s fucking with your head, d) he feels shame and doesn’t know how to deal with it or e) none of the above…bottom line and the ONLY thing I think matters (and this is just the decision I make, I know…you gotta do what works for YOU in the end), is that he’s not treating you like a person…you know, with feelings? I’d just let it die, and not worry about his reasons…you don’t need to know them…all you need to know is no matter what his reasons are, there’s no excuse to jerk you around like that, period, you’re better than that, and his loss for not knowing that.

Date some of his friends to find out more about him. :)

Hey Tits ;-)
In my opinion, this guy is clearly a waste of time, whatever his problem is. I think he has something else going on with someone else. I understand it’s hard to completely wipe your hands of this, especially when you want to get to the bottom of what’s going on in his head. He sounds like a selfish prick who is trying to juggle girls and treating you like shit in the meantime. I doubt you will ever really figure it out. Take care of yourself and cut him out of your life asap. I guarantee in years to come he will totally regret treating you like this, but only if you stand up for yourself and say, “you know what, fuck you and your games, I’m done”, and mean it. He will eventually really respect you for that. Good luck, sista friend. You can do it!! (hope I’ve been helpful).

@timothykinney : I actually think his roommate is pretty cute :P….

@Jack79: Ha, I’m cool with “Tits” because it doesn’t let the guys who started calling me that in the first place win.

@daloon: As far as I know, he is not religious (he’s pretty much an awkward, skinny, hippie, stoner, turtle-lookin’, white pizza delivery guy). When he said he liked me (and that is exactly how he said it… I asked him “what do you like,” meaning sexually, and he replied “well, I really like you.”), I responded that it was very sweet and that I liked him too. Since the kicking me out, not speaking to me, accusing me of having/passing on an STD when I don’t/didn’t thing, it hasn’t been brought up again. I think there would be relationship potential if some of our history was erased and if I wasn’t in school in another state. After our first personal encounter, I expected it to turn into more of a relationship-oriented thing, but then I left for Europe. I thought he might have been thinking along the same lines because the last time we spoke before I left for school, he kept repeating that he would “probably never see [me] again,” which I thought was strange. And it’s not that I became interested because of our sexual relationship – I’ve had casual sex/one-night stand experiences with no feeling or attachment afterward – but this is definitely different.

AN UPDATE FOR EVERYONE STILL READING THIS THREAD:
So despite all the excellent and wise advice from my fluther companions, I saw him again. The day after I posted the question, he called to see if I wanted to hang out after I got off work. I said yes (I still don’t know why), and I (of course) ended up going to his apartment, and one thing lead to another, and we had sex. It’s all pretty formulaic, it went down almost the same way as our last encounter, except we were watching a movie (I guess watching is a relative term…), and instead of kicking me out almost immediately after finishing, we finished watching the movie in a semi-tense cuddling-ish position. I also managed to say I needed to leave first (I woke up at 5am this morning for a ten hour drive – I needed to sleep!), although he did quickly say he had to be somewhere too. He didn’t walk with me to my car, only to the door, but he did kiss me goodbye. I vaguely said something about when I get back from my trip (I have a few days before I go back to school), but I’ve decided that I will definitely not contact him first, and if he does contact me, to give it a great deal of thought before going back. Does this repeat behavior give anyone new insight?

Thanks once again to everyone for you brilliant insight, great ideas, and lack of judgment. It has been very helpful!

Something’s going on, and we have a lot of theories, but no information. We won’t know until he tells you. It doesn’t sound like you could worm it out of him. He’d probably cut and run. If you’re willing to hang in there for a while, you might get to the point where you can find out. Or he could surprise me, and be more open that I would predict. Is it worth it to stay interested for a long time? You’re the only one who can answer that.

I will say this. There’s no certainty in any relationship. You just don’t know if they will end up where you want them to end up. However, I think you’ll have a better chance of getting where you want to go if you have a clear idea where you want to go, and if you are persistant and calmly faithful you will get there.

Has he ever taken you out anywhere, or do you just end up going back to his place?

@daloon : I’m thinking there’s no use in staying interested. I know part of me will be, mostly because of the mystery and enigma and just plain wanting to know, but I know I can only take so much. As it stands, it doesn’t look like he’ll ever really talk to me. When we actually got engaged in a conversation post-sex, it ended abruptly. Our conversations, with the exception of those mentioned above, have never been about us, just general chit-chat. It’s frustrating, and I know I could do better, so I’ve resolved that I’ll end on a high note and not contact him again.

@AlfredaPrufrock: The first time we hung out, it was almost like going out somewhere – we smoked and drank and he took me out on his golf cart and drove around. It was actually quite romantic. Since then, we have generally ended up going directly to his place, although when I came home for Christmas, he came and picked me up and we went for a drive before he assumed anything was going to happen. We’ve certainly never done dinner or anything formal-date like.

Again, to anyone still interested:
I was discussing the situation with a friend and came to the conclusion that for a lot of the time we’re hanging out, he seems to be going through the motions of how he thinks things are supposed to go. It’s very formulaic, like I said before, like he’s going through the motions of the typical encounter, right down to the position of the cuddling and the goodbye kiss. I feel like he doesn’t have a lot of experience, although he’s definitely not doing anything wrong (sorry, tmi, haha). There’s just something oddly mechanic about the execution of his actions from start to finish.

you don’t need to deal with a guy like that.
just dump him.

Wow! Lotsa theories!! Mucho interesante! But, in my humble opinion, it all boils down to this: he may have another girlfriend, he may not; but, he does not want you as his gf.
If you’re comfortable w/ that, and it sounds like maybe you actually are—you haven’t really expressed too much emotion for him—then keep going and enjoy the time you two are together. If, however, this is very unpleasant for you, hurts you or damages you in any way, then just walk away. Easier said than done, I know…

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