What are some of your favorite Mitch Hedberg quotes?

Filed under ‘D’, for Donut.

What’s a sesame seed grow into? I don’t know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It’s a street… It’s a way to open shit…

I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid back company, so they just said “fuck it, cut em up!”

In England Smoky the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It’s just like a bear, but it’s a frog. I think it’s a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought ‘man, I’d better play dead. Here comes that frog…’ You never say here comes that frog in a nervous manner. It’s always optimistic. Hey here comes that frog, al-right. Maybe he’ll come near me so I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he’s used to. And I’m pretty sure I’d have to punch some holes in the lid, because he’s damn sure used to air. Then I can observe him, and he won’t be doing much in his 16 ounce world.

You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ‘em later.

An escalator does not break. It becomes stairs.

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it’s busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say “Dufrane, party of two. Dufrane, party of two.” And if no one answers they’ll say their name again. “Dufrane, party of two, Dufrane, party of two.” But then if no one answers they’ll just go right on to the next name. “Bush, party of three.” Yeah, what happened to the Dufranes. No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this – people are missing. You fuckers are selfish….the Dufranes are in someone’s trunk right now, with duct take over their mouths, and they’re hungry. Bush, search party of three, you can eat when you find the Dufranes.

RIP Mitch :(

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don’t want them too. I’m like, “Hey… Hold on fellows… Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf.” Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me. We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head.

“Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.”

“Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that they could not do that, like there was some special rule at Subway that two pieces of bread weren’t allowed to touch. So the woman asked me what I wanted on the sandwich and I said I do not care it is for a duck, and she was like oh then it’s free. I was not aware that ducks eat for free at Subway. It’s like give me a chicken fajita sub, but don’t worry about ringing it up, it is for a duck.”

“I can’t wait to finish this set because I have a roll of lifesavers in the pocket and pineapple is next”

God, help me. I can’t stop.
Krystal! You beat me to the Koalas!

I had an ant farm Those fuckers didn’t grow shit.

When I go to a restaurant I say my last name is Dufrane just to hear them say it over the speaker.

“I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.”

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, “You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.” As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

And I like the one about “4 easy payments”

@tennesseejac the fire exit thing has always bothered me, ive been told to move many times before due to this very reason

@asmonet Hehehe! :D

Yay! You all rock! keep them coming!!!

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

If carrots got you drunk rabbits would be fucked up.

One that hits home with me…

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means… it’s dirty.

I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said, “Fuck that, I’ll just make a copy.”

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn’t come in real handy when you’re gambling. “Come on, four billion! Fuck. Seven. Not even close. I need more dice.”

I can’t tell you what hotel I’m staying at…but I can tell you there are two trees involved.

BTW, Mitch was from my hometown, St. Paul, MN….my wife thinks she might have gone to the same school with him for a while (I think Mitch was maybe a year older than my wife). Also, I read an interview he did where he mentioned that the best pizza in the world is Red’s Savoy in St. Paul, and just so you know, I agree…best pizza I’ve ever had anywhere (including Chicago)...if any of my Fluther friends ever come to S.t Paul, give me a heads up and I’ll meet you ther for dinner so you can experience Mitch’s favorite restaurant.

@dalepetrie That’s awesome! And pizza sounds reeeeeally good right now! If i’m ever in town i’ll have to try it!

I’m totally having pizza with you one day, Dale.
Totally.

I’m looking forward to it KrystalElyse and asmonet! St. Paul is a kick ass town…would have to be to spawn Mitch Hedberg! and me…j/k

You know when there’s a fishing show on TV, they catch the fish, but let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, but they do wanna make it late for something. “Where were you?” “I got caught!” “Bullshit! Let me see the inside of your lip.”

I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.

Removed by me.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis… one of those two doesn’t sound right.

It’s hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. “Whoa! Where’s my wallet? But, hey this song is funky…”

Cheeseburgers? Nope. But we’ve got spaghetti… and blankets!

I want a vending machine that dispenses vending machines. It’d have to be real fuckin’ big.

I’ve got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying “No”. So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to. Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have three settings? Liar! My fan fucking lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain’t sayin’ shit

There are soooo many!

i was listening to one of those compilation cds of his, and it was late and i guess i was overtired, but after kind of giggling at everything he was saying, when he got to this i was in tears laughing. i still laugh when i hear it, but for some reason it just really hit me that night haha, it’s probably mostly in his tone when he said it.

“I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That’s sad, but then they said, “Lola does not know the meaning of the word ‘can’t’.” That, to me, is even worse in a way. Not only is she missing arms, but she doesn’t understand simple contractions. It’s easy, Lola – you just take two words, put them together, take out the middle letters, put in a comma, and you raise it up!”

@asmonet
We do not need to bring pen and paper into this transaction- I think of that every time I use my debit card at Dunkin Donuts and Smacky the frog LMAO! You rule this thread..
and thank you everyone else for cracking me up…His delivery was the greatest thing since Steven Wright..

My manager saw me drinking backstage and he said “Mitch, don’t use liquor as a crutch.” I can’t use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely fucks up the way I walk. It ain’t like a crutch, it’s like a step I didn’t see.