How do you explain Amy?

I think she just sounds like a like-able shy person.

Just because she’s quiet doesn’t mean she had a traumatic experience as a child. I think you might be looking too deeply into this.

Just be patient and show an interest if you must get involved. But calm it down.

She might keep you at a distance if she finds you a bit patronizing. I wouldn’t be so quick to cast her in the role of “hurt child” and you in the role of “parent”. Just interact with her person to person, as the business relationship calls for it, without trying to get into her head. Using “compassion” to “break through her defenses” just sounds like you’re attempting to insert yourself somewhere you shouldn’t be. It, also, sounds like a misunderstanding of what compassion is.

Maybe you could better explain why you want to do whatever you want to do, but I’m just going by what you’ve said here. It does sound like you need to reel it in a bit at the least.

I agree that my feelings are a bit over the top, but I have so far maintained a respectable distance. And I know what compassion is and do not confuse it with being patronizing. Maybe plain old shyness could be part of it. I will keep that in mind and try not to rush to conclusions. Patience is definitely called for.

@LostInParadise, do you envision yourself as a “white knight” coming in to “fix” what you perceive as a problem for her? Your posting has tones of that. That could turn out to be construed as creepy by her if you’re old enough to be her father. You can offer to serve as a work mentor if she needs one, volunteer input or explanation without asking on things that can be confusing and complicated, especially process and policy questions, tell her she did a nice job presenting, etc. You could suggest to colleagues that they have lunch with her and make an effort to meet her, independent of you. In other words, coach the situation.

Lots of times, young people are caught between feeling like an adult among age mates, and being perceived as an adult in a multiage work situation, and are trying to navigate the waters. It’s weird when you’re young to try to fit in with experienced people who are your parent’s age. Hearing that you’re doing a good job, or that you seem confident, helps a younger person become that. Likewise, offering inside tips on politics is always nice.

Never miss an opportunity to say something nice.

@Alfreda, I like your suggestion of encouraging the others to engage with her socially. Most of the people she works with are closer to my age than to hers. But she does at least have the chance to work directly with the public. I also think some general recognition would be appropriate. She recently took over the position from someone else who had served in it for quite some time. Her one year anniversary will come this summer. That would be an appropriate occasion to show appreciation.

@LostInParadise, that all sounds like a great idea. I find that younger people come out of their shells at work once they perceive that they are coming across as a professional peer, who can make contributions that are valued. I love working with younger colleagues.

I think you’re probably reading too much into this.

What you have all been saying makes a good deal of sense. As should be painfully obvious, dealing with people is not my strong suit. That is why it is good to have you guys around. Now if you will all pardon me I am going to hide in embarrassment and take comfort in the knowledge that none of you know me in real life.

I have found that when I have a feeling like that about someone, it usually is not baseless. If you have a similar instinct about these things, then you could well be right. Of course if she is struggling with those issues, and if they are because of a man or men, then it is really hard for a guy to become a shoulder to lean on. If you’re steady and caring yet undemanding, yet she may come to trust you.

Is Asperger’s a possibility here?

I thought of Aspergers also, but maybe she just chooses not to mix business with pleasure. She may not be so shy or have a painful past, but prefers to be a private person. Just be nice to her and try not to push her to reveal her secrets. You might push her away if she feels like you are snooping. If she wants your help, let her ask you for it.

It’s good that you want to help, but you might want to think about the difference between being nurturing and mothering , and see which one of these you are doing with her. Your best bet may be to be quietly supportive of her. You are a wonderful person for caring so much. Let us know how things turn out.