Do you look at your life differently now than before you were diagnosed?

I am much happier post-Zoloft than I ever was before.

Journaling is a very good way to track your progress, and again, I want to thank you for being brave enough to share your blog with us. I went through a period of deep depression years ago, and looking back at the journal I kept back then has shown me a lot of things about myself.

I use it to keep myself healthy and not fall back into that pit. I did find the diagnosis helpful way back then, because knowing the cause of your angusih can someitmes be half the battle. Once you know why you are suffering, you have a place to start from to heal.

I am not even close to the person I was back then, and I am gratefull that i was able to find the help I needed to battle my depression. I no longer need any medications, and know what ‘triggers” to avoid.

My horizon is much closer. I always had plans for years in advance. After the cancer, I got a little cocky and took on more challenges, After the heart attack I rested 3 days before I jumped into a summer job. But the stroke really made me think. It was like mother nature or father time was saying “Maybe THIS will slow you down!”

Now the farthest ahead I plan is the end of the school year. Before I go to sleep at night I mentally organize my next day and sketch out the next week. No more obsessing about where I plan to be in 5 years. No more worrying what my schedule be next year.

I also have given up doing things I don’t want to do. Instead of attending a “required” day long staff meeting about test data on Tuesday, I am going to watch the inauguration and fill out my grade sheets a day early. I don’t travel around the block to sign-in each morning. If there are 35 kids standing outside my room @ 8:05, I’m not there.

I still take on projects I’m interested in but when I lack interest or have nothing to offer, toodles—-

I was diagnosed with Type II diabetes in 2006 and it was primarily brought on by the extremely poor diet of mine. Over the last 3 years, I have taken the time to be much more careful what I eat and how I monitor my health. Diabetics are prone to several different ailments if they’re not watched closely.

I’ve noticed that I sleep better, have more energy, a renewed interest and appreciation for exercise, and each day I take more time to appreciate everything I have and everything I care about in my life.

It just changes, oh… everything!!! When I found out that I’m bipolar, suddenly all these lightbulbs started going off. ‘So that’s what happened!’ and they haven’t quit, ‘Oh, that’s why I’m doing that!’ Meds are a big part of it but my screwed up thinking is still there and I think being aware of my illness has made/makes a tremendous difference!

I posted this lyric earlier this evening on the thread about describing your day. I became incredibly grateful and almost neurotic about being positive. I feel like my second chance shouldn’t be wasted being negative. I also find great pain in watching people do things that are obviously dangerous to their general health & welfare. When your health (life) is almost taken from you, and you fight so desperately to get it back, it’s seems unthinkable that someone else would throw theirs away willingly. My priorities became crystal clear.

It’s not that unusual
When everything is beautiful.
It’s just another ordinary miracle today.

The sky knows when its time to snow,
Don’t need to teach a seed to grow.
It’s just another ordinary miracle today.

Life is like a gift they say
Wrapped up for you everyday;
Open up and find a way
To give some of your own.

Isn’t it remarkable?
Like every time a rain drop falls,
It’s just another ordinary miracle today.

Birds in winter have their fling
But always make it home by spring.
It’s just another ordinary miracle today.

When you wake up everyday
Please don’t throw your dreams away;
Hold them close to your heart
Cause we’re all a part
Of the ordinary miracle.

It seems so exceptional
That things just work out after all.
It’s just another ordinary miracle today.

Sun comes up and shines so bright
And disappears again at night.
It’s just another ordinary miracle today.

It’s very simplistic, but it sums it up for me!

What’s that from?

Mostly it has affected the way I view my past. I knew about depression from a young age, and had accepted it as a way of life for me. However, I completely missed the fact that I suffered from anxiety until well into my 30s. Looking back at my teen and early adult years, it explains so much. Including why I dropped out of highschool! As a huge plus, getting treatment for my anxiety/panic attacks also ended up meaning treatment for depression. Ahhh, and I can breathe again :)

I don’t waste time waiting to do something. I have always been one not afraid to experience life, but after hearing, “You have cancer” followed by another diagnosis of “you have leukemia” – I refuse to let life pass me by. There are times when my body isn’t on the same page, but I find other ways to live.

I have my days when I’m sad, but I won’t let this ruin my life or my family’s life.

I appreciate things, I really take the time to enjoy the small things in life.

I remember telling my Dad. We didn’t tell my parents the same day, actually, my husband and I kept the secret for a little while. Just so we could come to whatever peace or understanding that we could manage. I told my Mom and Dad- my mom couldn’t talk, she just started crying. My Dad took it in and reminded me that it was just another stage in life. All the while, he was struggling with his health. We had some unspoken understanding about things and understood where each other were with things. One day he asked me when was the last time I watched a sunrise. I couldn’t remember.

The next morning, there I was, watching the sunrise. A simple, beautiful lesson that no matter what, life goes on.

I walk in the rain with my son, watch movies on Friday with my Daughter. My husband and I laugh together. I talk to friends and loved ones, daily. When I need to cry, I cry – but mostly, I laugh. It’s only cancer, right? ;)

Cak is my hero.

I feel like things are really different. My concerns are different. My interests are different. I used to read three monthly magazines and one weekly magazine as well as reading maybe 24 novels a year. Now I can barely read one magazine, and no novels. I used to follow perhaps five or six TV shows. Now I only watch football, and not nearly as many games as I used to. I used to interested in my work, and I was full of ideas, and I tried to make them happen. People thought I was great. Now I do nothing. Almost. I can’t think of anything proactive, and even if I could, I wouldn’t be interested in it.

Perhaps I had a kind of low level mania going on for five years or so. Then things got crazy, ending up in a depression I’d never experienced before. Suddenly, my interest became focussed on what this disease is doing to the way I think. I sense things differently. I am more emotional. More empathetic. More able to feel or guess what other people are going through based on little information.

The worst thing, though, is this existential confusion. I used to feel absolutely comfortable with the way my life was going. Now I feel like I’ve been doing everything wrong. I’ve been wasting my time. And yet, I’m stuck about what to do about it. I have always been a kind of seeker, but now, the search seems so much more urgent, that thinking about it too much will send me into a depression.

Inside my head, there are other differences. I have become aware of tunes running through my mind most of the time. My non-linguistic brain is sending a lot more messages to my linguistic brain (very difficult to interpret). I feel, sometimes, like I’m dreaming during the say, which is very different from daydreaming.

I don’t know if I like the changes, but I’m helpless to do anything about them. The drugs help me feel more normal moodwise, but they also seem to quiet my mind and my inspiration. I like being calmer. I wish my creativity would come back. It’s weird. I can see more, but I can do less.

@augustlan – thank you! I learned from the best – my dad! :)

@cak, that is the best outlook on life i’ve ever heard/read/etc. i wish i could give more lurve!

@cak that was a beautiful inspiring post. It brought tears to my eyes. You are a remarkable woman, and I have the highest respect for you and your courage. Much love to you!

lotsa lurve too!

Here! Here!

I was diagnosed with a brief psychotic disorder. At the time, I was taking mass loads of Adderall and went into amphetamine induced psychosis. I started seeing a psychologist after they took me off Adderall, and he thought that I should go on Geodon because he thought I could become psychotic again. This freaked me out, and I thought I was developing Schizophrenia. I wasn’t, but it still scared me. I took myself off Geodon, and am much happier. I think messing around Psychiatrists snd Psychologists too much can make one crazy.