Can you take a few minutes to read and critique my law school personal statement?

I don’t really have anything to add that much on that page myself as I’ve never written anything like that before and have no experience with it. But, I will say your essay left me with no doubts about your reasoning and made it clear you wanted to be a part of their community as a whole. So, I dug it. :)

@tonedef: I was hesitant to write comments in your comment field after each paragraph, until I read through the entire statement. However, after doing so I offer these suggestions:

(1) You need to keep going, and finish your thoughts yourself first. Only you know if you left something out. It’s about your own experience anyways, right? However, at this point you have the meat and potatoes of what you wanted to say. So, if there’s more to say that is relevant, by all means include it. You can always edit it out later.

I think you may need to think about connecting the thoughts together in the end so you have a succinct conclusion, instead of leaving the reader to connect the dots about all your paragraphs and trains of thoughts.

(2) Maybe on a separate sheet of paper, go back and list all the key points you wanted to say in your argument (as, you are actually arguing why you should be admitted) and then look back and see if your sentences did justice to each point. If not, re-write those areas.

(3) Another thing is, make it read like a really interesting story. People like to read a story. Come on, roll up your sleeves. :)

I do think it needs more work, but I believe you are on the right track. Just clean up the language a little (ie how you say things) and guide the reader instead of letting them follow the bread crumbs. Hope this helps, and good luck!

Oh! One other suggestion: I had to write a personal statement myself once. I found reading other people’s statements really helped me, especially good ones. I found a few good books in the bookstore, but you can probably find some in the library.

It’s really worth it to do a little research and see what else is being written. Getting into law school is a big deal, and sometimes the personal statement can be the deciding factor. But, I think you are up to the challenge.

I think you need to rethink the first paragraph. It combines your intro, and also jumps into the story, too. That confuses me. I would suggest you add a sentence or two that summarize the story. Something like, “I am going to show you how working in a psych lab and working on beahlf of (some kind of) victims motivated me to apply to a program that provides excellent property law education.

I think that’s what you mean to say, and how you want to pull it all together. In any case, it’s your story, and you want to provide a summary that’s also a teaser that makes them want to see the details to come.

To end, you need to do a similar thing. “So you see now how psych and victims motivated me to research law schools, to find one that can best help me to prepare for a career in intellectual property rights that support the downtrodden (or some such). DePaul is that place.

I also want to say something about the tone. I find it a little too flowery, and your compliments to be too obsequious. I’d prefer a more straight-forward tone. This is who I am, and why I want to be there, without those unnecessary compliments. Show them why their place attracts you (and you have a lot of that there already). If you do too many compliments, I think it detracts from your message, and makes you seem like a toady of some kind. Perhaps insecure.

You should write like they should be damned happy you are applying, because you bring these excellent things to the table, and they happen to match the strengths of the school.

Well, you asked for suggestions, and you can take these free ones for what they’re worth. Exactly what it cost you to get them. I’m not an editor like Jeruba, nor a teacher like Gail, so I’m just going with my gut here. And my tummy is rumbling.

@tonedef, is this where you’re applying? If so, I think you will want to make the spelling in your essay match their style.

I’ve advised on a number of essays for law school applications, most recently peedub’s. Put your entire essay (sequential unbroken paragraphs) into a PM to me and I’ll return some comments.

@tonedef, you may find this helpful.

Lurve all around. Thanks so much, guys. I’m shooting @jeruba draft 2 now. :)

I just got my first acceptance, from DePaul! Thank y’all so much for your help. :D :D :D

Thrilled to hear it! CONGRATULATIONS! This is great news.

Thank you for sharing your triumph with us, @tonedef. It was fun to be able to help a little.

Wow! That was fast! Was it early acceptance?

Contratulations!

No, just regular acceptance. They have a turn-around period of 2–3 weeks, which I think is really impressive. They apparently also decide what merit-based scholarships to offer in that time, too, which I think is pretty crazy.

I’m waiting now on the acceptance packet. I hope there’s good money news in it :)

And @Jeruba, I’m sending you a copy of the letter when I get home tonight. Sorry for the delay!

GRATS!!