Was I rude in this situation?

Wow, that sounds like a real “brother.” He’s the rude one.

That’s not rude, that’s honest.

I don’t think it was rude. A bit blunt, yes, but if the guy is aware that he’s a flake, he should be able to accept it. If the guy doesn’t know he’s a flake though he might get offended, but if he brings it up I imagine you can diffuse it by saying something along the lines of “it’s really important that these things get done for Mom’s sake.”

It’s not rude at all. My mother used to take care of my great grandfather. She worked so hard and dedicated so much time, none of her sisters ever came to help. She would cry at night out of exhaustion and frustration. You have a right to ask for help. I hope things get easier for you.

You’re totally in the right.

I have good friends in the same situation and it seems that no amount of attempted persuasion will get the loafers off their butts.

I will pass to you the same that I tell my friends.

The world is a better place for you being a member, your mother is very lucky to have you. Caring for an invalid parent is a very tough road and it calls for a special individual such as you to carry the load.

Please do not give up, do not be afraid to voice your displeasure at the slacker, it will be an out for your stress so at least that way he is contributing something.

Bless you for caring, stay strong.

@pekenoe Thanks, it’s people like you that help me keep the faith.

Not rude! Given that he will only be there for a short period of time, it needs to be prioritized…and you have done so. Good luck.

@lefteh Nice to see you!

I think you could even go a step further, and email him again about how grateful you guys will be for some relief, how nice it will be to see him, how much it will lift your mothers’ spirits…and when can you expect him. :) Sometimes it helps loafers to know that you really DO need their help and how valuable it is, how meaningful it is when they contribute. If that doesn’t work I doubt anything else will. Good luck. I know how stressful and emotionally taxing caretaking can be, don’t forget or feel guilty about taking care of YOURSELF, too.

@nocountry2 I actually did start the email out thanking him for coming to help, that mom would be happy to see him and then ended it with another thank you.

I don’t think you were rude at all. You are probably a little stressed. Which is why you need a break. Which is why he needs to come and give you one, and during that time, he needs to be able to step up and do everything that you have been doing.

Now, he could be totally insecure and afraid of not being able to handle those tasks for his mother. Or maybe he doesn’t think he can take seeing his mother in this way. Or maybe he just thought it sounded like too much work and is being a jerk. I hope that isn’t the case.

Again, you weren’t rude. I hope things work out and you get a break.

@nocountry2: Couldn’t have said it better. :)

Hm. Perhaps try another email, reiterate what you said in the first one (how much you truly appreciate his offer and what a welcome and needed relief it will be), and tell him you are going to call tomorrow to discuss his travel arrangements. I bet that will get a response out of him.

UPDATE: he just emailed back, said he was coming in to help and thanked me for all I have done to help mom. Now I feel like a turd.

@chyna – don’t feel like a turd. Sounds like he just needed a “kick in the pants” and realized it. I’m glad you are going to get a little break.

Thanks autumn43

I’d be pretty pissed off. if it were my brother, I would’ve sent him to the hospitol…..That was mean, sorry.
But when I hear these types of threads, I wonder if the whole story was told, and what the brother’s perpective would’ve been

There is a psychological tendency in our society for the daughters to get stuck doing what you are doing and not really get credit for it, while if a brother helps at all—since it isn’t seen as his duty—he gets acclaim, credit, and thanks.

It sounds like this has worked out well in the end, but you should be aware of the unconscious, not talked about, or otherwise under the table problems you may be facing.

Sometimes people feel scared and overwhelmed when something hard is going on, and they collapse. Other people with the same feelings roll up their sleeves. Both kinds of people are hurting. It’s great that you were straight with him. Keep doing that, it seems to have helped him as well as you. Hope your mom feels better.