How should i tell my mom?

Have your dad tell her.

Between the two of them, they should be discussing and deciding this kind of thing.

Have Dad and your stepmom sit down with you and your mom and explain why it would be better for you to live there.

Your father should be discussing this with her, it’s not really your problem. If for some reason you have to tell her why you want to go, to focus on your education. Explain to her your commitment and your wish to better yourself. Whatever you do, do not under any circumstances raise your voice.

my dad and my mom have a very bad relationship, and my dad has this thing about turning everything into a 4 week talk

You never really told us what you want. You said you suck at school, do you believe that having a stepmom who is a teacher will help you?

Are you willing to make the change. New environment, new friends?

Sweetie, you shouldn’t even have the weight of this on your shoulders. This is something that needs to be brought up by your father, to your mother, and discussed between them. You shouldn’t be involved at all. It’s their job to be the adults and the parents. You shouldn’t have to worry about it.

Dad needs to either call Mom and discuss it or work with a guardian ad litem to determine what is in your best interest and acting on it. If he hires a guardian ad litem (assuming you don’t already have one) the guardian will take the heavy hits from either side.

Your job is to be 17.

@Grisson i just want to do better in school, personally i HATE help..but i guess i need it because this has been going on for a while.

@everybody else. is it bad that i think i should tell my mom myself? shes like my best friend and for a long time me and her both really didnt enjoy my dad bugging us about other things (the house, money problems, etc)

The others here are right. You are a minor child, and it is not up to you to discuss this with your Mom. Let the adults settle this matter, and you just let your Mom know why you are considering this after your Dad brigns it up with her. Tell your Dad that it is his place to talk to your Mom, and let him worry about it for you.

If you want to tell your Mom yourself, just tell her what you and your dad have talked about, and why you think it might be for your best interest. I’m sure she will miss you, but 40 minutes isn’t _that- far away. You could stay with her on weekends.

Out of curiousity, what part of Jersey are we atalking about? I’m in Jersey too. Somerset County.

My mom was the same way. Whenever I wanted to avoid confrontation THAT WOULD HAPPEN NO MATTER IF I ADDRESSED HER NICELY OR NOT, I would write her a letter. Explain your points, and back them up. Give her good reason to understand where your coming from, and make it sincere. Then you can either ask her to write back, or you can (hopefully) have her say what she wants to say NICELY after reading.

And I’m from Jersey as we;; ^_^

i live in new brunswick and my dad is in a nicer part of trenton

@jamzzy So if your goal is to better in school. That would be a good starting point for a discussion with your Mom. How can you do better. Tutors, afterschool help, etc.
@scamp and others. Is it really best for a 17-year-old to leave life changing decisions up to the parents with no input? I guess I’ve always expected my kids to know what they want and to say so. And as a kid I know I had my opinions. They were often skewed by the fact that I was a kid. (Not wanting to change things, wanting to be accepted, wanting to do well). But still it was my life.

@Grisson your right grisson, but i guess im also kinda scared at the way she reacts to everything

I’ll tell her!

chelseababyy may be on to something! Writing a letter is a great way to get your point across. She won’t be able to interupt you, and you can put all your feelings on paper, and edit them as needed.

@Grisson I said nothing about her having no input. I said that her Dad should be the one to broach the subject with her Mom, and she should tell her what her feelings are once he brought it up.

@Grisson, my take was that @jamzzy had discussed it with the father already and had therefore made his/her preferences known.

Regardless, at the end of the day, it’s the parents’ responsibility to do what’s best for the kid. If the kid’s preferences align with that, then great.

Furthermore, I read this question as how to inform the mother… and the fact is, this really should be discussed with the mother first. Her input on this decision is also of great importance.

So far, from what I’ve read, the kid and dad have staged a coup.

Worst case scenario, the dad is manipulating the kid to get back at her or something. And @jamzzy, with the best and purest of intentions, wouldn’t even know it.

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I can invent hypotheticals all day – both good and bad – but what needs to happen is here is for mom and dad to get together and have a grown-up conversation about what’s best for junior.

Seriously, parents love me!

Let cheeb do it! I’m a parent, and I love her!!

robmandu just gave a very wise answer above. I agree 100% with what he just said.

@robmandu GA’d

I wish I could remember the story more clearly, but when Prince Siddhartha’s (the Buddha) father forbade him from leaving the palace grounds (which he wanted to do to experience for the first time the struggles and sufferings of the peasants and commoners), he sat outside his father’s door for days until his father realized his son’s conviction and aquiesced.

Confronting a parent on an issue such as this can be difficult for persons of any age. I’m sure many adults here will admit to backing down from a decision because of their parents’ influence. Having an emotionally charged argument about the subject often makes it even harder.

I’m not calling your mom a bully, but conducting an argument based more on emotion than reason is something of a bullying tactic. The way to defeat it is with truth (conviction), courage, and perserverance. Whether it’s calculated or just habit, your mom will be expecting you to give up by showing how upset she will be. And she may escalate that hysteria if at first you don’t back down. However, she can’t keep it up forever, and eventually on or both of you will realize that you’re not responsible for her perceptions and feelings (she is), especially when you believe you are doing the right thing for yourself, and she presents no convincing evidence to the contrary.

So, what you need to do is sit outside her door. Make a simple case and state it plainly. Let her react. Do not react against her. Instead repeat your argument word for word, and let her react. If she brings up legitimate concerns, address them and return to your argument. Repeat until she stops reacting and starts listening.

You’ll have to outlast the tirades and not get emotional, which you don’t have to if the truth is on your side. Good luck.

I had to make the choice when I was 13 to leave a really bad situation with my dad to move with my mom permanently. Ultimately, I knew that regardless of what my feelings or desires told me, being with my mom was better for me in many ways. Way more opportunities, better schooling, healthier environment, etc. My dad who is an alcoholic was part of my decision to move, and it wasn’t fun telling him of my decision, either. We didn’t have a phone for my mom to call him, so I had to break the news to him myself.

I think you have to think about which home is the best for you, as I did. It sounds like you also would have more opportunities, better schooling, and a healthier environment, so I would focus on that because sometimes you simply have to do what’s right for you. If it’s possible for your parents to discuss it, I think that may be the best route, as they are peers and adults and child custody is a parental issue. If you have to answer to your reasons, focus on the practical and that it’s what’s best for you.

I don’t want to scare you, but if your mom is volatile, as you say, be prepared for some fallout once she finds out. My dad made his hurt feelings pretty clear and also stopped speaking to me for a year afterward. :(

Wow, you’re mom is a just like mine at times, too. And it’s glad to see that I am not the only one who has failing grades on fluther. I would just tell her straight out. Would this situation have to be taken to court? Because I know divorcements are….at least to be legally divorced.

This is a crap situation and yes, ideally the parents would make this decision but obviously if that was an option we wouldn’t be answering the question.

You just have to steel yourself, tell her in as neutral (but strong) way as possible and don’t try to justify your actions if she challenges you, just say that this was your choice and if there’s a problem with that then her and your dad have to figure out what to do – you were given a choice and you made a reasonable one.

When I have to tell difficult things to my parents I look at it this way: either I tell them now or I have to live with this sitting on me and making me completely miserable. You have to tell her, why don’t you tell her now and save the unnecessary apprehension and stress and then having to tell her anyways?

Depending on what the child support payment situation is, this could get nasty, and you shouldn’t be drawn into it.

Perhaps you should tell your mother that you find yourself wanting more structure in order to do better in school, and that you want to spend more time with your dad, because it’s good for a girl’s self-esteem to have a good relationship with their father.

OR if you really want to avoid confrontation, sign up for some kind of sports activitiy and say you just need to be closer to the team so your going to stay at your dads for awhile….or get a job in the area.

(just an idea)

OH! or you can get expelled from school, then you have no choice but to go stay with dad….

Write her a letter. That way she has to hear you out without an opportunity to scream and you have an opportunity to think through exactly what you’re going to say without being interrupted. Make sure you “sandwich” the bad news with what you love about her. Start off telling her how much you love her and why, and end telling her how much you love her and why and in the middle deliver that news she doesn’t want to hear.

@robmandu That’s exactly what I was getting at. You can write and not be interrupted. You can lay it all out on the line without getting anything back write away, and you will be able to say everything that you need to say and not lose track or trail.

…..assuming she reads the entire thing before she freaks out…

@cheebdragon assuming that her mother is less crazy than mine, which is probably true. she will.

my mom was an abusive, overreacting, bi-polar woman. and even she read it all before coming to talk.

I am neither of those things, and I probably wouldn’t finish the letter before coming to talk (I wouldn’t freak out because that’s just not my style). My mom is the same way.

thanks for everything guys. i ended up telling her myself and instead of the normal CRAZY mom i got over dramatic crying mom, i shed a couple tears myself, im a huge mommas boy

@jamzzy: Right answer.

@jamzzy, well if nothing else, look at this as a character building exercise. Sounds like you’re strong and smart. Keep up the good work!

I think your mom loves you very much and she’ll be heartbroken, however you have to think about what you want. It seems as if you made your mind up and you really want to do this and maybe it’s a good step towards your future. If you can make your mom see, that this is the best way to pick up your grades, she might have more faith in it and support your decision. It will be hard but it’s something you have to do.