How come when some people learn that you're single they automatically think you need their help to find a mate?

People annoy me. Being single is fine.

Well, @Introverted_Leo, I’d say you have a fair gripe, and in your place I’d certainly be bugged.

But at the same time, I’d be willing to bet that you are noticing the folks who badger you and not noticing the ones who don’t. Not everyone would think that way and behave that way, and some might actually be saying to your peers, “There’s no hurry. You have plenty of time to think about romance. Right now your main focus should be your schoolwork. You can’t keep getting distracted by your love life.” You are wise to know what works for you, and it is fine to take your social life at a comfortable pace while you concentrate on your studies.

You might try practicing making a ‘Dear Abby’ response to those intrusive folks: say “Thank you for your interest in my personal affairs” and change the subject. Or better yet, decline to discuss it and don’t bring it up yourself. They can think what they want, and it needn’t affect you at all.

Matchmakers indirectly belittle you by launching from the pretext that there’s something wrong with you if you’re single. If you can overlook the insult, the match they provide will usually be a stable connection as opposed to the tenuous bonds found in the general public. If you’re not ready for mating, the main danger is that matchmakers will attempt to destroy your self-esteem when you don’t give your life over to them.

There is a tendency for people to want you to be like them, in order to validate their life choices.

At 20, you should be thinking about being able to take time and travel without responsibilities, seeing the world and doing things of your own choosing. That freedom may only come back when you’re older, and you don’t have the stamina to take advantage of it.

@Inteiverted_Leo: Jeruba, psyla,and AlfredaPrufrock pretty much nailed it.

All i’d like to say is, if my daughter turns out half as level-headed as you sound, I’d be thrilled.

Well you have some pretty solid reasons for not wanting to get mixed up with some stupid boys. I wouldn’t let people who try to hook you up or what ever bother you. I think the problem is 1. It’s usually a safe assumption that everyone who doesn’t have someone, would be interested in having someone to love. So its nothing personal against you, people just do this without thinking, and 2. It’s really kind of a compliment when you think of it. I mean they think highly enough of you that they would like you to meet someone they know and possibly be in a relationship with them. I always found it flattering when you look at it from that perspective.
I have actually read articles about other people complaining about the same exact thing, but it seems to be more of an issue for people in their 30s since people tend to intensify their match making efforts for you as you get older. I think this is because it certainly doesn’t get any easier the older you get, or atleast this is the general perception. And while you may not need help, people figure it doesn’t hurt. Though obviously it does annoy lol.

Most people are in relationships and really enjoy being in relationships. In fact, they think that relationships are their major source of meaning in life. Therefore they assume that everyone enjoys relationships, and further, that if they are not in a relationshiop, they are missing something great and important. They assume you think like this, too, so if you are not in a relationship, it is because you are having no luck finding someone.

They want to find a match for you, because, like zealous missionaries, they are trying to bring you the good news and help you out. They enjoy the thought of being the one to bring you together with your heart’s desire. They can not conceive of the idea that you might not want a relationship, or that you are happy as you are or that anything could be more important than finding a relationship.

I believe that, as you put it, ”people think that every single person was meant to be hitched with someone else…and that singledom is some kind of dispicable curse.” I think part of it comes from a built-in urge to have children. When you think about it, it makes sense. If you don’t want to have children and you don’t have children, your genes will leave the gene pool, and other the genes urging people to have children will remain.

Well, never mind. Evolutionay biologists think that there is a good reason why, every once in a while, we birth a person who does not want to pair up and have children, or who wants to pair up with a person of the same sex. It has to do with the “it takes a village to raise a child” principle.

I think for women there is a push in your twenties to want your friends to be married, too, so that you’re all young married couples together. It has nothing to do with your friends being married to the right person.

I have been something of a matchmaker at different times in my life, so I can give you a different perspective on this. I never try to match up anyone who’s not interested in dating. I don’t think there’s something wrong with you if you don’t have someone or don’t want someone. One of my best friends will probably be happily single for life.

But if I’m your friend and you mention wishing you had a date for some event or if you mention being ready to date again after being alone for a while (or whatever the case may be and you’ve brought it up) my mind starts churning through guys I know who are single.

If I think you’re a friend and I know a guy who’s a friend and who might be compatible with you I’d tell you something about him and ask if you want to meet him at a party or dinner or something. If I, on the other hand, think you’re a real piece of work, a high-maintenance nightmare, or just someone I wouldn’t sic on my worst enemy then I’m keeping my mouth shut.

It is a compliment. That means the person likes you, likes the other person, and thinks that meeting this person could make you both even happier. If they’ve tried to do this in an unsolicited way, you can just tell them you’re happy without being a part of a couple and most people will back off.

But as far as how to take it when someone does this, you can choose to be flattered by the offer instead of insulted.

@Jeruba: yeah, you’re right about mostly noticing the annoying people. I’m a rather critical person (at least in the way I think, not necessarily how I act), so they tend to stick out like a thumb in my side, lol. I don’t run into a lot of them, but when I do I certainly remember them (and have a hard time forgetting).

@AlfredaPrufrock: gee, I wish I could focus on travelling! Lol. I’ve been wanting to visit New Zealand and Australia together as well as some Asian countries. Not gonna happen, though, until I graduate. I’m already anally frugal with my money, and the fact that I’ve had to take out a (small) student loan always keeps me money-conscious. I’m absolutely determined to pay that off before I do the sort of traveling I’d like to do.

About friends wanting to be married couples together…one of my friends got married, but when she was only dating the guy she invited me to the Bible study group at her church. Every single person in that place was hitched. And they’d say things like, “Oh, let’s study the Song of Songs and learn about love between married people!” “Yeah, what a great idea! All in favor?!” <remembers me> “We could study something else if you don’t want to.” Yes, please. How about one of Paul’s books? <everyone exchanges unenthusiastic glances>

You can’t imagine how awkward I felt. And to make things worse, about a few weeks into the study group an old-time (single) member whom I hadn’t met before suddenly came back. The real kicker was that upon his re-arrival he flirted with me to no end then always talked about how he hoped he’d never get married.

. . .

The whole situation seemed like some weird twisted plot from the Twilight Zone. Well, maybe not that weird, but weird enough. Unfortunately, we never actually studied the Bible at our get-togethers, so I had ample reason to cut loose from that joint. :P So yeah, I know what you’re talkin’ about, Alfreda. The whole groupthink “let’s all be married together!” mentality just doesn’t sit well with me. In fact, I found it rather creepy. I was surprised I hadn’t left sooner than I did, lol. I tried stickin’ around, but it just wasn’t happenin’.

@LKidKyle1985: it probably would help to view it more as a compliment. I wish I could. But here’s the thing about compliments: you can have too much of a good thing.

This is another thing for me: when you get a compliment for the same things all the time, do they ever start to lose their meaning for you? “Oh, you’re so pretty!” (You’re like the bagillionth person to tell me that, but) thank you…? And then they usually add, “Do you have a boyfriend?”

I don’t want to sound ungrateful or above people’s compliments or anything (because I’m not), but sometimes that’s what I feel like. Especially since I’m single. Like you have no right to be pretty and not have a boyfriend. But I’m just rambling now.

@cyndyh: I had a friend who approached me about a really cool guy she knew and thought I might match up great with, and she handled it about as well as you described. I actually was really flattered that she thought of me and even considered it for a bit because he sounded like a really neat guy, but, of course, I ended up telling her I wasn’t interested in dating anyone at the time. But I felt so bad afterwards! Sometimes you just want to say yes because you don’t want to let anyone down. :(

Idk, these are like the things that sit in the back of my head and resurface again like every two months or so. Most the time I don’t think anything of it, but other times I feel utterly annoyed. Even in my group of friends growing up, I was the only one not dating while everyone else dated each other (I mean there wasn’t a single permutation or combination of my friends that hadn’t dated each other, haha). So yeah, I’ve always felt a little…out of place.

But I try not to think about it. Except for now, obviously. – __ – BAH!

Don’t ever feel bad for doing the right thing for you. You should never be dating to make someone else happy, so don’t ever feel like you’re letting someone else down by not dating someone. You have sooooooo much time to figure out all the different things you want from life and when you want what and what you want to focus your energy on at any given time. One thing that worked for me is telling people “I’m not in any hurry”. This worked for many aspects of life -not just dating.

I do think if you manage to state something like this a few times without getting upset then other people will deal with it better. If you’re firm but kind and take their attempts as a compliment you can remain friendly and effectively fend off the matchmaking activities without feeling roped into doing something you don’t want to be doing.

Cheers!
Cyndy

I think probably all those who interfere in this way mean well.

People who mean well deserve a little charity from us, I think. But at the same time I have never been able to accept “meaning well” as an excuse for ill behavior. My mother was one of those who meant well all her life. And she never understood why some people resented her overbearing manner.

Oi, I almost for to thank everyone for their answers! So thank you, everyone, for your answers. They were very insightful. ^_^