We all have a death sentence. Some of us know approximately when it is, and others live in blissful ignorance. You mention that there are bad days as well as good days after the diagnosis has been presented to you. I’m not sure what you mean about that, but it does seem that the strife portion of your question refers to that.
We know we are supposed to focus on the good, and be grateful for what we have. This helps us to not dwell on our anger and pain. It actually makes the good better, and diminishes the bad. However, some of us are better at it than others.
Sometimes I ask myself if I would do anything different if I knew I was going to die in a year. I always tell myself that I wouldn’t. I have chosen to do what I’m doing, and it is the best thing for me to do. I am staying home now, instead of taking a vacation, because that way we save money which we, or our kids may need. If I wanted to go on a vacation, and that were really important to me, I would go. It is important to me, but other things are more important at this moment.
What you do depends on what you are capable of doing. When you are mourning, you do get angry. It’s often part of the process. You can get pissy, and take it out on someone else. You can bitch about how unfair the world is. You can get up, and do whatever you are capable of, or you can sit there and feel sorry for yourself, or you can do both. There’s emotional pain, no matter what course you take.
I think it is natural to remember good things, and to forget the bad. I believe I read somewhere that our brains are built to do that. That’s an advantage in coping with your mourning.
Mourning, however, is terribly hard, no matter whether it happens before you die, or after. So, how to cope?
I think that first, it helps to understand how things go, and to not beat yourself up about feeling what you feel. I’ve been trying to do that lately, and I’ve found that what might work for me, is mindfullness. I take each feeling, let myself feel it, but also let it go. There are exercises that can help someone accomplish this trick. It enables you to do what you need to do, and to not dwell in a disabling way on what has happened to you.
So, if you feel like you missed an opportunity because you were fighting instead of being loving, you think the thought, you notice you are thinking the thought, and you slowly put a little distancd between you and the thought, so that it doesn’t stick with you for so long, or disable you.
There are other options to working with these feelings that work for a lot of people. You can discuss your feelings with yourself, and show yourself how you are not seeing things clearly. You can engage in positivity exercises. These things work for many people, although, not for me. That’s why I use mindfullness.
As you say, the letter from him gave you solace. He said some pretty wise things. He considered himself lucky. He may not have accomplished much, but what he did was important to him.
You know, not everyone has the gift to be able to do that. I, for example, constantly beat myself up for accomplishing nothing. My wife says, “but what about the kids?” It is true that they are an incredible gift, but I wanted more for myself, and I didn’t (yet) get it. At my worst, I felt I could not get it, either, and that made me terribly despondent. Your husband got it, and you have the opportunity to get it, too. I’m sure you will do better than I have.
And finally, there’s the tried and true mechanism: time. It helps to know it will not always be like this. Believing that can be important. You feel these feelings now, but you will not always be feeling them so constantly and so disablingly.