What is your deepest wound?

Feeling like no one cares about me.

Feeling like everyone is out to get me.

Not being totally accepted for who I am.

…with all my faults and mistakes and bad hair days…
that… and falling deeply in love with a man that abused my soul

From an earlier question:

My uncle (mother’s brother) sexually abused me until I was 13 years old. Entire family knew about it, but A) never called the police B) never kicked him out and C) my mother was still friends with him…going to the movies together, playing cards, etc., right up until he died.

I learned at a young age that no one else was going to save me, so it was up to me. At 13, I put a stop to my abuse. At 19 I withdrew from family events, so as not to be forced to see him anymore. 3 years ago, at 39, I finally decided that my mental health was more important to me than my mother’s.

She is not a part of my life anymore.

Aug, I’m sorry to hear that. If you had to boil it down to one sentence, what would you say your wound is?

Sometimes deep wounds don’t boil down to a sentence.

Despite having siblings and friends, I had an incredible amount of loneliness until I was fourteen or so. Being surrounded by people who don’t act as though they love you is far worse than not being surrounded by anyone.

I developed a very high level of independence and in some ways closed off. But, I started opening up again a long time ago. The world is looking kinda shiny again.

Feeling lonely.

I’m the youngest of six kids, the next youngest being 6 years older than me. No one ever had time for me. Who wants their baby sis tagging along all the time.

@Trustinglife: If the wound is necessary to form a personality, would you say that it has to be something from your early years? I have no real wounds from my childhood; but there are 2 gaping holes from my adult life. Surely my personality would have been formed long before that though.

@bythebay i don’t think it’s necessary for your deepest wound to be formed in childhood, although my jury is still out on whether you’re personality is already formed once you hit adulthood… are you saying that your deepest wound has to be part of your personailty – i sincerely hope this isn’t the case as i really hoping to get over my deepest wounds… please give me hope!

@lynneblundell: This is what trustinglife said “I’ve heard it called “the sacred wound,” since the wound is necessary to develop a personality. No wound, no personality to navigate the world.” – So I guess I’m looking to see what others think. I believe you do have personality traits, but that your persona is constantly evolving.

oops…slapping my own hand for not reading the question properly!

@augustlan that is so sad. I’m sorry you went through all of that. But since you’re thinking of yourself now, that’s for the good. It’s your mother’s loss.

in which case; I’m going to change mine to being bullied persistently from the age of 4 to 16, which kind of incorporates my first idea anyway…but still

Finding out that I was not important to my parents. If I wasn’t important to them, why should I be important to anyone?

I thought I’d overcome that, and developed my own sense of importance, but it turns out that sense was as fragile as a house of gossamer ice crystals.

@Trustinglife I’d say the deepest part of that wound is the fact that my mother didn’t protect me. In essence, she betrayed her sacred duty to me.

A family member who shot himself;
A family member who died of cancer;
A family member who was killed in a mountaineering accident.

These deep wounds leave painful scars, don’t they?

Oh hell yes.

My deepest wound lies in the way my brother treated me and my parents did nothing to stop it.

He used to beat the shit out of me, to the point I couldn’t move. He’s the only reason I’ve ever had a black eye, twice. He has knocked out one of my teeth. Bruises are countless. He’s the only reason I’ve ever needed stitches. He’s ridiculed me more than any person I know inside or outside of my family, by making fun of my physical appearance especially my weight. It’d be the hugest lie of my life to say this didn’t effect the issues I have now that I am older. I don’t blame him for them, but his actions contribute greatly to it.

Two years ago was the first time anyone ever saw him hurt me besides my mom and dad. He attacked me in front of my two best friends and they went into hysterics, crying and screaming, ended up telling my aunt and uncle (one friend was my cousin) and it got back to my grandfather. My aunt, uncle, grandfather and older cousins told my mother and my brother if he ever laid a hand on me again he would be disowned from the family. Since the time tha occured he hasn’t laid a hand on me, is reserved in what he says to me.

I think the part that he never truly realized, and never truly will realize the effects of his actions is what wounds me so much. That there is no consideration, or remorse for what he did to me. And my parents, oh a lot of that wound goes to their “I’m not getting involved” attitude.

Ew time to stop talking about this before I mush up like a little mushy ball of patheticness. Sorry for the tangent, I don’t talk about this often, or to anyone so knowing fluther as a pretty non-judgmental place, I just kind of word-vomitted all over.

@onesecondregrets I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had to go through that. Best of luck to you in dealing with the issues you have today. <hugs>

@augustlan I love hugs. :). And thank you, so much.

Growing up without a father.
To be fair, he probably wouldn’t have been that good of a dad. And my uncle helped raise me, so I guess it’s not so bad in the end.

I was hurt a lot when i was young. I knwo it because i become too defensive as i grow up. I cannot remmeber the wound anymore. Its burried deep inside.

For me it is a tie between a deep rooted terrifying fear of abandonment and that nagging voice in the back of my head telling me I am really not worth anything. Now that I think about it, it makes sense that the two go hand in hand. If I was worth anything why would people be so willing to leave?

@SuperMouse Fluther will never leave you :)

@lynneblundell You asked for hope. My belief is the sacred wound never goes away. I think I will always be extra-sensitive to whether I feel listened to. One of the reasons the wound is important is that it provides the fuel to go out in the world and make something happen. No wound, no personality, and no ambition to do anything. I’m sure my own wound of not feeling listened to spurs me to want to be a brilliant teacher (and by doing so, have people listen to me!!! No accident that that would be my deepest desire!).

My sense is that finding and living one’s purpose provides a different kind of fuel. This purpose fuel replaces the wound-driven fuel of trying to fill the hole of never feeling fully listened to. So that’s the hope. Finding your purpose, and living from it. The wound never really goes away. But it becomes less significant, less important, and less of a driving force in one’s life, as the urge to fulfill one’s purpose becomes the main motivation in life.

Feeling like I can never please my mom. As an adult, I know that there must have been times she was proud of me, but she has never said (or implied) so to me and is still extremely negative and hypercritical. My brother and father have the same issue with her. I love her, but I just don’t know how to deal with her.

Ever since I was a kid, I have always tried to be very supportive of anyone who is struggling. I’ve been known to jump to the defense of strangers who are being emotionally beat down by someone, even though I wouldn’t have defended myself in the same situation. I suspect that urge to help or defend someone who is mentally or emotionally struggling has its roots in my relationship with my mom. As an adult, I also consciously try to make sure I don’t project a lot of negativity onto the people around me specifically so I won’t be like her.

The wound is definitely still there (maybe my mom is carrying around the same wound). There’s still that voice in the back of my head that says I’m never going to amount to anything. At least there’s another voice that argues back, saying that I don’t need to, as long as I’m a decent human being.

Everything everyone else said. Literally.

not feeling good enough in general i guess.

no matter what i’m doing, i always feel like i’m not capable of doing it well enough, no matter how big or small of a deal it is.

I remember my mom dropping me off at the orphanage.

@gooch For real? How awful!

@ Augustian Yes but I made it through

@gooch: Lurve, real and internets kind.

Ditto.

thats I am the reason my parents got a divorce sniff sniff sorry

but they tell me repeatedly that I am not the reason and that they just didnt love each other any more and I am the reason they stayed together an extra month or so

@LouisianaGirl as a mother of young children who is currently going through a divorce, please hear me when I tell you that you are not the reason for your parent’s divorce. When they tell you the reason why, believe them, it is not your fault. I promise.

Yes, SuperMouse, that’s true. But… we all need a wound. That’s part of how it is to play the human game. Might as well have that one. I wonder, Louisiana Girl, more specifically what your wound is… “There’s something wrong with me”? “People don’t love me”?

Do you know what it is more precisely?

Being unwanted by my BM. Whether or not it’s true, I feel she was ashamed that she got pregnant and had me. I think it’s true based on her behavior towards me from as far back as I can remember until the last time we ever spoke, a 5-second phone convo when I was 11.

Probably feeling unwanted/unloved by my birth father. Even though I had a wonderful dad who adopted me and raised me once the BF gave up his rights, it hurts. When I found out I have a younger half sister to whom he did the same thing, it only made it worse.