My friend is being abused. please help?

Well… maybe talk to an adult you trust, it’s probably more reliable than asking a bunch of intelligent strangers over the internet. ;)

Talk the police or someone who can help her using the law.

Wow, I can’t understand what kind of sick human being acts like this. Terrible.

i just need help my anut knows about this situation already..but i dont think she can help me and everyone knows that about him thats what makes it worse im worried about her life and her child’s life. i dont know what to do i think he’s already been in court because of this but she made her parents drop the charges. but i cant talk any sense into her to leave him and it’s harder for her now because she’s pregeant. i dont know what to do

Contact the police or other abuse services, don’t let her parents drop the charges, and act like it’s no big deal. Hold her, don’t let her be alone with him. An abortion or adoption for her might be the way to go, if she doesn’t want (or can’t have) this man in her life.

Please, please, please go to the police or social services about this. Especially since she’s pregnant, it is essential for her and the baby that she stay healthy and not be knocked around. Also, what a horrible, horrible situation for a baby to be born into. Please take care of this immediately. She might be mad at you now but in the long-run she will thank you for saving her and her baby.

If everyone seems to be ignoring it (family, teachers, etc), then talk to the police or victim services in your area. They deal with cases like this all the time and will know what you can and should do. The police might have their hands tied if your friend refuses to press charges, but then again, if he was on his way to court over an abuse issue, there might be some other legal order currently in place that you’re not aware of that might allow them to do something, if someone would only report it. If your friend is underage(?), then Children’s Services or something might be able to step in somehow as well. Like I said, your best bet is to talk to the police and victim’s services to find out what you can do. Call them asap.

@omfgTALIjustIMDu: thats what i’m scared of in the process of protecting a friend…i might lose one too…and i know good friends tell when something terriable is happening to a friend…but this is over my head i love her like family…but what if i tell and she hates me in the end…?( that sounds so selfish i’m sorry if thats how it’s coming off…it’s just we’re really good friends)

Like I said, if she doesn’t get an abortion or adopt the child, the father could force his way into the child’s life, he has the right because he’s the father. And that could be dangerous and/or unpleasant for you and the baby.

@dirtydevil521, I know what you mean. She probably will be mad, but if you love her like family the best thing you can possibly do for her is save her from this abuse. Believe me, I speak from experience, she WILL appreciate it once she realizes what you’ve done for her and her baby. You might feel as though you’re losing a friend, but really what you’re doing by calling the police and social services to interfere is saving your friend’s life, both physically and emotionally, and she will be forever grateful.

she’s too far along to have an abortion…she is six months and i dont think she wants to give the baby up and i cant make her i’d feel terriable if i did

Tell her parents or tell the police about the abuse.
Unfortunately, she may be mad at you until she gets some perspective on the situation.

But if it is as bad as you think it is, then you may lose her as a friend anyways because he will get more controlling and abusive (not less).

You also may lose her as a friend anyways because she is about to have a baby which is not something that leaves a lot of free time.

Do the right thing and protect your friend regardless of how she may take it right now. it will work out better for her in the long run.

I’d rather save a friend and lose one than put one at risk.

It is possible that she will be mad at you for reporting the abuse. Most likely, she will get over it when she can step back and realize what you did for her.

Here is another important point to consider: you will very likely lose her anyway if you don’t report it and she doesn’t get out on her own. Her boyfriend will probably resent your attitude towards him and try to keep your friend away from you (which will be even easier once she’s busy with a baby). It is also entirely possible that he could end up killing her or the baby somewhere down the road if this behavior isn’t taken care of. My understanding is that abusive situations typically get worse, not better. A friend of mine was in a physically abusive marriage years before I met her. She was put into the hospital several times by him. She didn’t get out until he ran a truck through the side of the house trying to kill her (which he very nearly did).

If your a true friend and she/he needs help, yes go talk to someone you can trust…

First of all, go to the police. Secondly, go back to school and learn some grammar. Thirdly, if nothing else works, get all your macho friends together and beat the shit out of the bastard.

Honestly killing him may be your best bet on this one. We’ve all heard more than enough about this type of story and it always ends the same way.

Basically, there’s nothing you can do. The “girlfriend” has to take the necessary steps to get away from the asshole. She’s pregnant too, huh? You didn’t have to mention that part; I already saw this movie. Police, restraining order, etc… and good luck with all of it. She has to PROVE he’s a threat (and teenage witnesses don’t really count) beyond any doubts. If he can say “she fell“and it’s convincing enough… he wins.

Go to her parents and the police. there is a baby involved now. You have to think of that child before your friendship, the girl everything else. Not one person in this scenario is capable of doing that but you. You HAVE TO DO THIS for the child. Every time he does something to her he endangers the baby.

If your friend doesn’t want to change and get herself out of the situation, there’s not a lot you can do. You’re free to share your concerns with her, but if she doesn’t want to change, she won’t change. And it’s not your responsibility to make her change, either. Some people only learn through their own experiences.

It’s easy for us to ask why she doesn’t just leave this guy and to feel superior because we would all know better. Maybe figuring out how to help her would be easier if we understood the behavior a bit more. The best theory that I ever came across regarding why people stay in an abusive relationship is that partners are conditioned to stay. (Bear with me, I’m trying to remember this from an article I read several years ago.)

In operant conditioning, using a variable reward schedule typically results in behaviors that are the most difficult to extinguish. That is, if a rat gets a pellet of food every 5th time they push a button, they learn to quickly push the button to get the food they want. If you suddenly stop rewarding them with pellets, they quickly learn there’s no longer any point in pushing the button. If they get one every 5 minutes, regardless of how often they push the button, they learn to wait for about 5 minutes before bothering to push the button. Again, if you stop giving them food pellets, they will quickly learn there’s no point pushing the button. In both instances, the reward schedule is predictable and it’s easy for the rat to see when the rewards are no longer available. When the food pellets are released randomly – sometimes after 5 tries, sometimes after 50, sometimes a few in quick succession – the rats continually push the button because each time they might get it on the next push. Even if you’ve stopped giving pellets, they keep pushing, because the next time just might be the time they’re rewarded.

So what does this have to do with relationships? Well, pretty much anyone who has been abused says that their partner was wonderful when they first started dating – “he/she really is a good person”. They treat them great, tell them how important and wonderful they are to them. Life is great. Then perhaps one partner loses their temper over something. They say or do something they shouldn’t. That partner then feels bad and apologizes or tries to make up for it somehow – basically, they offer a reward for staying around (ie tolerating the behavior). When the abused partner stays around, this is a reward of sorts for the abuser, too. It indicates that their behavior is acceptable. The abused partner believes that it won’t happen again. After all, the abuser feels so bad about it and he/she really can be wonderful, you know. He/she isn’t really like that, they’re just going through a lot. At first, it’s usually small things, but over time, the abusive events get worse. They keep rewarding the abused partner for staying; promising to make it up, treating them like gold for a while. The abused partner is rewarded for staying. Then they forget to make it up to their partner once, but the abused partner stays, thinking this is a one time slip. Maybe they make it up next time, maybe they don’t. The abused partner makes excuses for them – “they’re going through a lot of stress right now”, or “I shouldn’t have provoked him/her”. Even when the “honeymoon” reward phases no longer happen, the abused partner sticks around thinking that the next time will be the time their partner turns back into their “usual” “wonderful” self. The abused partner sticks around because they know, deep down, that he/she really isn’t such a terrible person, in fact they can be wonderful, they’re just going through a lot. Or maybe they don’t want to break up their family. Or maybe even it’s gotten to the point where they realize their loved one has turned into a monster and they don’t know how to get away or they’re just plain afraid to.

I never understood why abused people don’t just get up and leave, but having seen a couple of abusive relationships a bit closer up, I’ve come to realize that the dynamics can be very complicated. If the cops or social services can’t do anything, and if you can’t force her out of the relationship, perhaps all you can do is be ready to help her when she’s ready to accept help. Maybe she just doesn’t want to hear it right now, but one day, maybe she will.

@amanderveen that was one of the most coherent analogy of abusive relationships that i have heard for a very long time. Having been abused myself mentally and physically in two different relationships I can completely relate to this article/ answer.

I can only speak for myself but… Part of the problem for me was a) needing to love myself and not being able to and therefore b) wanting to be loved so desperately by someone else. A led to B. Being loved by someone else also gives you the pay off of closeness, cuddling, touching, intimacy, which we can’t physically experience on our own.

I fell deeply in love with the second man that abused me, it was witty, charming, intelligent, popular, stylish, strong, manly, clever, astute, interesting, well-read and fascinating. He also provided me with lots of other friends and a forum (the pub) to socialise and be accepted in, i “fitted in” with people (something i have never had , having been bullied and ostracised all my life). I was smitten and our relationship was very much like the analogy that amanderveen uses above. I would never know if he was going to be in a good mood or a bad mood with me. I was filled with dread every time i was about to walk into the room he was in, but also full of hope.

We split up several times and got back together several times. He was incredibly convincing that he’d changed and that he knew he had treated me wrong and would do better…he realised he had been a bastard and knew the right way to treat me.

Unfortunately despite being totally convinced on several occasions, and despite even convincing those closest to me that he had changed…he hadn’t. I finally got away from him by sleeping with someone else and then telling him what i had done, i knew that he would hate me then and not try and convince me to stay with him (it was the one thing he always said was un-forgiveable)... I knew i would be too weak and cave in and stay with him if i had tried to leave any other way.

We didn’t even live together, we had not children together,we weren’t engaged, it was just the emotional ties that kept me with him. After i told him that i’d slept with someone else, we got in a taxi to go home and he beat me. Even for months afterwards i still loved him and still yearned for him.

It’s a complicated and difficult business to be involved in whether you are part of the relationship or a bystander. I think you are incredibly blessed and lucky if you manage to convince her to get out of this relationship. You can only be there in my opinion, without judgement and always with a shoulder to cry on.But i would say, if it becomes life threatening…or if you think you see signs that it could do…do everything in your power to get this man put away.

thanks for reading to those who stuck with it…sorry it’s so long

@lynneblundell thank you for sharing and I am sorry you had to endure the abuse.