What would you do if your son and daughter in law didn't send you birthday or christmas presents?

Why don’t you formally suggest not exchanging gifts on B-Days and Christmas? And just buy gifts for the grandkids?

Why is it only your daughter-in-law’s responsibility to thank you? What about your son?

It’s possible that between raising a family and the crappy economy, it’s just not in their cards at the moment. However, they should at least acknowledge the gifts you send with a thank-you.

On the other hand, are gifts sent with the expectation of return really gifts? Or just obligations in pretty packages?

Clarification. My son thanks me for the gifts I send to him and also did this year on behalf of the children. My da in law does not. I’m not that dopey to expect the woman to have to do it all. Otherwise great answers. Both of them. This, however, is nothing about new circumstances. 10 years of the same. This year I suggested a loaf of the homemade bread being baked would be great for Christmas. So I’m not expecting anything fancy. I should have gone with answer number one 9 years ago. Thanks.

Actually Laureth…I’ve heard my da in law say the same thing about gifts, ie people give in order to establish an obligation. So I guess yes my best route is not to give anything if I want acknowledgement or something in return. I, truly believe that the exchange of gifts, thanks, any exchange, is the basis of any society. So not being willing to enter into some mutual give and take (perhaps not on ceremonial holidays) is kind of opting out of relationship in my book. But thanks for helping me with these thoughts.

@francescadellacruz Have you ever asked your daughter in law what the reasons are for the lack of reciprocity?

Buying for parents is often difficult. They have everything the need….and if they need it, they buy it…

For us, gifts were always from the both of us…not individuals. Perhaps she feels that the gift you receive is from them both. Perhaps she feels that the thank you of your son is from them both.

I grew to resent it being my responsibility to come up w/ gift ideas, purchase, wrap, ship gifts for my husband’s entire extended family. I finally said “enough”. I said it was up to him….guess what? He talked to his family and now they just get stuff for our kids…..and I help my kids send thank you notes.

We don’t buy for them, they don’t buy for us. They call us on our birthdays and we do likewise. It is much simpler and everyone is much happier….

@Snoopy—I am in complete agreement. I hate being the one responsible for buying my husband’s entire, huge, family gifts (I mean I barely know them). So when it became his responsibility, all of sudden we didn’t exchange gifts… Apparently it wasn’t a big a deal as everyone made it.

@frances—I also don’t like the idea of buying gifts just to buy something. Maybe youe DA feels that it is her husband’s responsibility to purchase gifts for his family. Maybe she shows appreciation in other ways. My thought is you just let it go——be thankful that you have a family you have a relationship with.

What’s your relationship like the rest of the year? How often do you see each other?

We see each other about three times a year…when the weather is nice. We have one big family reunion once a year. When we are actually together we are fine. It is only holidays that confuse me because we are not together and I have thought I need to be Santa Claus to be an okay Mom and Grandma. And not just in terms of birthdays and holidays. I’m learning a lot from all of you though.

Not sure if this fits your gift-giving pattern or not. My mom and stepmom would send the kids lots of gifts, and had a hard time understanding that one really nice gift, like a $50 lego set that they really wanted was better than 5 $10 toys. My step-mom stopped speaking to us over it. I was literally taking toys from the Christmas tree to the Goodwill box. My mom never totally got comfortable with not buying lots of stuff, but we did evolve to me telling her exactly what they wanted. Their favorite gift was the year she bought them LL Bean backpacks with their names on them. She had a fit about spending $40 for a backpack when you could get them at Target for $20, but my daughter’s in grad school and is still carrying hers every day—it’s 14 years old. It was hard disappointing my mom because she wanted the kids to be excited about the gifts, but quantity just didn’t do it for our children.

I have been on the opposite side of this rocky shoal with my own mother-in-law. She sends gifts randomly. Sometimes, they are tacky and odd. One year I got a strange knitted garment that became a legend in our family that we call “the sleeve,” which is all it seemed to be. Other years, I got something thoughtful and tailored to my interests. Some years she sent large gift certificates. One year recently, she sent my husband a gift and not me.

BTW, echoing many other women on here, she would never have gotten any remembrance on any occasion if it were left to my husband. I also had to be the one to remember, come up with something she might like, wrap and ship. I did make him at least write his own thank-you note (which wouldn’t have happened if I said nothing). To add to that, left to his own devices, she would never have seen him. I was the one who said, “It’s time we visited your folks.”

Back to my original point, for years I let her seeming indifference and inconsistency hurt me. Finally, I decided to do what I felt with regard to giving her a gift and to expect nothing from her. That has made me much happier and feeling freer.

Since you say that your relationship is otherwise good, I would chalk this up to different holiday expectations and traditions.

One final two cents worth: If they are adults with children, I say it is more than time to announce you will buy gifts (or one gift) for the children.

I wish you peace.

I don’t think it should matter. It’s always better to give than to recieve.

I’d get over it

Get them a special card from st Vinnies – the cost of the card goes to buy a goat for developing countries – you’ll feel so good you won’t worry about them not thanking you – can’t change other people and all that.

The fact that people expect to get presents disgusts me. I think that anyone should feel free to give presents to whomever they choose to. They shouldn’t be obligated to.