How Do I Confront My Mom About Her Boyfriend?

You want to be careful here. Women can make dumb choices when it comes to men (and vice versa). You do not want to put your mom in a “him or me” position regarding making a choice between you and the boyfriend.

Probably the best thing that you can do is tell her how much you love her and tell her that she deserves better than this guy. You could ask her then to talk to someone (like a therapist) if she seems open to it or if she acknowledges she has made bad choices.

Be prepared, though, that she may not be willing to have that conversation with you, her child. If not, all you can do is live your life as an example. Have respect and high standards for yourself. If the opportunity arises, tell her she needs to do the same, but you may have to let it go.

The sad truth is we can’t change other people no mater what we do. They have to want to change themselves.

To add a single word to Marina’s advice would, in my opinion, be gilding the lily. She said it all.

The only thing I feel inclined to suggest in addition to Marina’s remarks is that your mother may not have the confidence you think she ought to have. Even without knowing her age and history, or how near you are to an age when you may be going out on your own, I am guessing she might have taken some knocks along the way. She may be staying with this guy out of fear, and it may be a kind of fear that just doesn’t look to you the same way it feels inside her.

In fact, the one certainty here is that you and she have different views of the matter.

At your age it is probably best if you don’t really understand it. But you should still regard her position with delicacy, sensitivity, and respect.

^ what they said :-)
My mom dated a man that my brothers and I hated. He was loud, mean, irresponsible, violent, etc. Just a complete loser. We argued about it all the time and it caused a lot of hurt for us kids. Finally we just kept our mouths shut. She married him and he is still a loser. When my mom complains I just do what I can to help. I’ve helped her move out probably six times. She always goes back. My mom is weak and scared. This is why I swore to myself that I would never be like her. She is a wonderful woman, but I will never hurt my kids the way she hurt us.
Just be patient, maybe she will build up the confidence to leave one day. Until then, if she asks your opinion don’t be afraid to tell her the truth. Let her know that you love her no matter what, although you don’t love her choices.

Nothing to add but my best wishes.

learn from this – you are worth sooo much more – and you can choose a lovly person who will express themselves for you. Aim high- because you are worth it. Live your own life – you are already figuring out what is not acceptable to you. Go girl!!

From a mum who has had a lot of crappy boyfriends

I was in the same situation. (sort of)

To the point that my mom would leave for the week to visit him and leave me alone. She didn’t care if I went to school. I did stop going. I got twenty bucks for food and she drove 800 miles to see him. I was 13 through 15. The guy was a total dick and and used the money my mom got from social security to take care of me for meth. Stay classy mom!

15 years later I asked her what the fuck she was thinking. Her reply was simple…. “He was a good fuck.”

So he might treat her like shit but maybe there is some reason for her to stick around. And as long as this doesn’t screw with your life I would let her deal with it. Honestly, how responsive would you be if she bitched about your partner?

Who your mom dates is none of your concern. If you don’t like being around him, don’t be around him. If you don’t like the way he talks, don’t talk to him. You can’t change who people date/what people do just because you don’t like it.

She’ll only leave if she wants to leave. I have a similar parental situation. Good luck.

Not that it will work, but some of the best advice I’ve seen is to show her the pattern. Does she get upset with him often? Keep track, and say “You have been mad at him 56 times on these dates for this one thing – do you think it will be different next time?” or, if she’s willing, have her make lists of his good points and bad points and compare. People are often in denial over the bad stuff, or they think it’ll all be different next time. It never is. Seeing that has given me the strength to get out, before.

Your description of your mom perfectly fits most women born in the Year of the Pig/Boar. This and their general rotten luck are the primary reason why abortion rates go up in the Orient just before and during a Year of the Pig — nobody wants a daughter who will choose terrible mates, or a son who will attract bad luck to the family.

The advice given above is excellent, all of it. But though it might not be very effective to confront her about this guy, you can start studying Chinese astrology and share what you learn… It worked for me with my daughter, born at the tail end of 1971. She still doesn’t make great man choices, but now she understands why. :) And I understand that I can’t change her. She is what she is, and all I can do is I love her.

@desiree333 I also want to say that I am so sorry you are going through having to live with your mom’s poor choices and a parent who puts their needs before and at the expense of yours.

@elijahsuicide and johnpowell I am so sorry you both had to live through that. You didn’t deserve it. Sometimes life sucks.

@Marina I actually have moved past the anger and try and look at the bright side- it taught me how to be a strong woman. I never want my daughter to think it’s ok to be weak and submissive. I want her to know she deserves the best and to never settle for less. My mom has said to me “why are you so lucky? Why do men treat you so well?” and I tell her because it’s all I will accept. It’s not about luck, I don’t think she understands how hard it is to be strong, to leave someone you love once you know they aren’t right for you.

I just want to make clear because I am starting to feel bad about this. He is not abusive, violent, or really all that bad. He works now and Im starting to think I was overreacting. The night I wrote this question I was having a bad day because my mom was working until 12 at night and he didnt have the decency to wash his dishes or clean up his mess from watching the superbowl. He just left it for my mom to clean up after her 12 hour day of working. Im just saying this because people are telling me to stay strong, and making the situation sound awful, and Im starting to feel guilty. Sorry I didnt really inform you guys of the seriousness of this situation, its really no big deal, and I feel kind of bad for writing this question. Im being unfair to my mom and her boyfriend.

Hey, @desiree333, when you feel bad because of the way her boyfriend treats your mom, you are simply forming your own character and pre-designing your own choices. If you learn from this situation it will be a plus for you, not a minus.

What it will be for your mom is her problem, love, not yours. (Until later, maybe.)

Blessed be. I send you positive energy and a big hug.

@desiree333 It sounds bad to me when I read about what he does objectively.

Even what you are describing on Super Bowl Sunday indicates he is a thoughtless partner who does not pull his weight.

I am not sure you are overreacting.

hes just lazy. But thats not really something I can change. OR my mum for that matter. A person needs to be the one to change themselves. so I guess Ill just deal with him, hes not too bad, just lazy.