If you wanted kids, did you/would you marry someone who was unsure about having them?

Dump the sucker and adopt. :P

Discuss it with them until we reached a compromise, then go with it.

fIND SOMEONE WHO WANTS CHILDREN-

That is a big issue to not agree on. Marriages take a lot of work even when all issues are agreed on. Perhaps you should date others.

If you are definitely planning on marrying this person, than I would reconsider it. Either way, someone might end up resenting the other person. 1) you get married, he decides he doesn’t want to have kids, you’re unhappy 2) he decides he wants kids! yes, you are both happy 3) he doesn’t want to have kids, but you do, so you have them anyways. he’s unhappy. It seems like a slippery slope, and I’ve seen #3 happen before. The best advice I can give is to find someone who is just as sure as you are about what they want.

That’s why my brother’s first marriage collapsed.He wanted kids, she said she did, they got married, and then she said no kids.

He now has three kids, 3 official step kids, 1 unofficial step kid, 1 grandkid (that he is raising), and several borrowed kids.

She has never had any kids even having remarried (and redivorced).

Both are much happier now.

I recommend you discuss this before marriage and if you don’t agree then consider finding someone else to marry.

It relates to my life, but only somewhat. I’m not engaged or anything, but it is a conversation I’ve had before, many times. It’s not necessarily that the person absolutely doesn’t want them… He’s unsure. Which, yes, is a big deal to me because that could make or break the relationship, depending on what he decides. I’d rather not go in blind…

I have a good friend whose fiancee told her that he was adamant about not wanting any more children, having a son from a first marriage. She thought secretly that she could make him change his mind after they wed. Boy, was she wrong and was she miserable.

Get everything cleared up (really cleared up) beforehand.

I don’t want children, and my bf once wanted them, but he made the choice not to have them at all and be with me. He’s totally okay with that choice. And so am I. :)

Are they the right person if you want kids and they don’t?

That’s just it – they don’t know if they want kids or not.

@DrasticDreamer well, if you’re absolutely sure and the other person is wishy-washy, i think it’s the same thing.

Yeah, I guess you’re right.

My husband was married for 10 1/2 years, waiting for his wife to decide. Notice the was in that sentence.

We happily had one child together and he’s helping raise my daughter, from a prior marriage.

I think I would only be with someone who actually wanted them, as I do. Even if he agreed to have them for me, I want to be with someone who’s excited and enthusiastic about the entire process, not just going along because they said they would.

It’s one of the primary decisions a couple should come to before they marry. No ifs, ands or buts.

I would never marry a man who didn’t want to have children. So much of the thrill of finding someone I loved was the fun of seeing what our children would look like, be like, and seeing each of us as a parent. I also wouldn’t be able to understand why he wouldn’t want me to have his babies.

I had two kids young in my first marriage. After that I figured “this womb is closed”. Two was always just right for me. I didn’t want any more. It would have been a deal breaker for me if my fella either wanted kids or was wishy-washy about it. That is one of those big decisions that you don’t want to just guess and hope and wait and see about.

Marriage and children are the most important things in life – better be sure a both before you do either.

I did precicely that and perhaps it was a mistake. But I assumed she’d make a good mother. She made a horrible mother.

I think if you love someone a lot pehaps you should marry them anyway, just not force them to have kids.

This is something that definately needs to be settled BEFORE marriage. It rarely works to think you can change someone’s mind after you’re married.

We were always on the same page before we got married about kids. We definately wanted them. It’s the bond that seals a marriage, I think. We’d always said we were going to have 3, but after our second daughter was born, we agreed that that was it.

I don’t want kids, when people really press me, I’ll admit that I would reconsider if the person I was with and intended to spend my life with really wanted kids. But ultimately I don’t think I could really be ok with it. If I agree to bear offspring for my man, then I’m not really doing it because I want kids am I? And that’s not fair to the kid, or me, or him.

If it’s that important to him we would probably have to go our separate ways.

@jbfletcherfan

You’re exactly right. It must be decided BEFORE marriage.

I can’t believe how many people just assume that their partner feels the same way, get engaged, married, honeymoon blah blah…only to discover “Wait, you WANT kids?” (or don’t). It’s quite sad because by that time, they’ve invested in the relationship and they can either break it off and feel sad, or one may give in and have a child…even if they don’t want one. That’s horrible for the child!

I would always to try to find out early on if a guy wanted kids, preferably within the first date, and DEF before things got serious. If he wanted them/expressed a desire to start a family, even if he said things like “oh I love kids, I’m such a family man”, then I would know to leave.

@seekingwolf And you’re right also. AFTER the wedding is not the time to find out something so important.

I am not looking forward to marrying, so I may adopt a kid, knowing that it is difficult with only one parent.
But hey, I am only 14.

90’s. Thanks for sharing; I did not know your age.

@90s_kid Alex, you have many years before you have to worry about all of this. But it is something to store away in your mind for someday. Proceed wisely.

I’m about 20, and I still agree with 90s_kid, lol. I am still pretty young, but the thought of marriage is stored way, waaayyy in the back of my mind…

@DrasticDreamer: I hope things work out, especially if/when this topic really comes up in your relationship. : )

I really do not want tot explain why. It is very offensive (not to any of you of course).

@90s_kid

It’s fine. :) I was 14, I was rebellious and didn’t want to marry either.

I’m in a relationship where my SO wants more children (he has two kids with his ex wife and i have one of my own with an absent father) and i don’t know if i will do or not…

However, he is fully aware of how i feel and in the relationship with open eyes, he says if decide not to have one then he will accept that…chances are though…because he’s given me the freedom; we’ll probably have one more…it would be a shame not to right?

So I think it depends on your position – If you really love him and he really loves you…i think you will probably end up having one or two together… it’s a natural desire when you’re with the man/woman of your dreams… good luck x

i think once yu guys are married, hes going to think about his future, and thats obviously one of the things that hes going to consider. i dont see y a guy wudnt want a kid. and start a famly with yu. thats almost basically the main reason ppl get married besides the fact they love eachother.
marry the guy even tho he doesnt want kids. so WHAT? hes going to end up wanting one, no guy wudnt just want to marry a girl without having a family.

@rh11cp: troll or sardonicism?

@rh11cp

To some (like myself) starting a family isn’t a desire or a goal. There are other things in life, like a career, hobbies, travel…having a family isn’t a must.

My guy doesn’t want kids because he wants to focus on his career and pursue his hobbies. Getting married symbolizes a lifelong commitment, with OR without children.

It’s a personal choice and I know plenty of people who have taken either side. You shouldn’t generalize. It’s not the ‘50s anymore when women were expected to stay home, have 2 perfect children, and dust the house everyday in high heels.

@rh11cp
Could you please talk in a more sophisticated manner?

the universe collapsing in on itself: when a 14yr old tells you that you don’t speak well in a discussion about having children in your marriage.

But it’s true. :)

@90s_kid i know it’s true. but you may have made a grown man cry.

@eponymoushipster
Unless that is you, I must have not. If so, somone has a pretty weak heart.

snarkaaayyy….

A monkey’s gotta do what amonkey’s gotta do :D

amen. which is why we often throw our feces.

eww….
I don’t wanna be a monkey anymore.

I would not marry someone who is unsure about having kids if I am completely sure about it myself. Just as I wouldn’t have kids if I was not 100% committed to it.

If you are going to have children, you need to guarantee in any and every way possible that you will be able to provide sufficient emotional, physical, relationship, financial, etc.. stability for that child and if you have any doubts or know in an aspect that you cannot do that, having a child is not for you (at least not in the now). Marrying someone who isn’t fit in the same way would be stupid.

My sister knew he didn’t want kids. She thought he’d change his mind when the baby came. So she stopped taking birth control without telling him.

They’re both remarried now.

@Jeruba

Oh god that’s awful. That poor man. :(

He actually ended up not having too much to do with her. She was still in her crib (literally) when he was arrested on drug charges. After he got out of prison, it didn’t take long before he and my sister split for good. Now that the daughter’s grown up and just visits him once a year, they’re on pretty good terms.

@Jeruba

Well it sounds like things ended up okay then. That’s good to hear. :)
from what I’ve heard, sometimes people aren’t on good terms after things like that happen.

maybe the person you are referring to is just unsure that they would be capable of taking on such a huge responsibility, or maybe they are unsure that the relationship might not even progress to that step in life. What good would having a child do if the relationship fails? Theres not much worse things for children than broken homes.

Marriage without aims for children in the first place is twisted. Because I can’t see myself as being any kind of good father, I plan not to even date until I can.

So no. No way. If someone wants marriage but is against having kids, they need a reality check (especially if they plan to use abortions to avoid this end). If they are on the fence, convince them beforehand.

@Hobosnake That’s going a little far. There are plenty of couples on this planet who get married without ever wanting kids. And that’s fine, it makes sense for a lot of people. I wouldn’t say they’re twisted in any shape, way or form for feeling that way.

A natural consequence of marriage is sex. A natural consequence of sex is children.

That’s my logic. It’s simple. I really can’t stand the world’s wanting sex without being able to deal with the idea of children. It’s unnatural and leads in the murder of an innocent life if one is created.

@Hobosnake There’s such a thing as the morning after pill. That’s not murder in any shape way or form. So what you’re saying is that people shouldn’t use condoms and birth control either? They are, after all, unnatural.

Also: Some people that want to get married don’t believe they would make good parents. Some people don’t lead the kind of lifestyle that would benefit a child, and some don’t want to change their life to accommodate what a child needs. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

Something else that’s completely unnatural is the amount of people living on the planet right now. Overpopulation is becoming a huge problem, so you know… If some people don’t want to have kids, for whatever reason, but still want to get married because they’re in love with someone? So be it. It’s better for the planet and all of us who currently live on it.

When older people marry is that just twisted, too? Maybe you need to think the implications of what you’re saying through a bit more.

“A natural consequence of marriage is sex. A natural consequence of sex is children.”

That would be unprotected sex. Have you ever heard of birth control? Condoms? Or even abstention?

Besides, scientists have shown again and again that people need to be with other people or they die sooner. While having a pet also helps, having another person with whom to share life is the most effective, especially for men. Our society only offers one form of legal togetherness whether the people involved want children or just a partner in life. That is marriage.

@cyndyh I see your point, at least. I hadn’t thought of that. I have very few objections to marriage among older people.

@Darwin I’m interested in the “dying sooner” studies. Would you cite an article?

By the way, birth control, etc. is actually not fool-proof. They don’t completely destroy the chance of a pregnancy, and besides, I don’t believe in the use of them anyways. I don’t believe in eliminating all the desired aspects of something while avoiding what I continue to believe is the most powerful, wonderful, and important aspects of it despite my change in thinking.

@Hobosnake – Here is a living longer study, and here is a summary of research on the effects of marriage, which says among a lot of other things, that mortality rates for married folks are 18% lower than for unmarried folks. To quote:

“The research evidence discussed in earlier chapters suggests that marriage (1) reduces certain health risk behaviors (in particular, heavy drinking); (2) improves access to health insurance; and (3) improves mental health (in particular, reducing depressive symptoms). Therefore, it follows that marriage may also have benefits for physical health and longevity. Indeed, studies consistently show that married people live longer and enjoy better physical health than unmarried people. This relationship has been found for more than 100 years (Murray 2000), for both men and women (Kaplan and Kronick 2006), in different countries (Brockmann and Klein 2004; Gardner and Oswald 2004; Hu and Goldman 1990; Manzoli et al. 2007; Matthews and Gump 2002), and for a wide range of measures of health and illness (Gore et al. 2005; Gove 1973; Krongrad et al. 1996)...

On average, the studies show that mortality rates are about 18 percent lower for married people than unmarried people over the different study periods. Not all of the studies estimate the effect of marriage separately by gender. However, of the studies that do examine gender differences, the results show no major differences between men and women in the average effect of marriage on longevity.”

And if you feel that way about birth control, then there is always abstinence, as long as your spouse agrees, or a little surgical procedure that will end your fertility forever.

@Darwin Thanks. I’ll be sure to read them.

And abstinence in marriage is another factor I’d never really considered. I wonder is it at all common?

@Hobosnake – Well, Concerned Women for America is in favor of it, and so is this group. However, unless Masters and Johnson got people to admit to it I suspect it would be very difficult to get accurate numbers. The Duggars certainly are not abstinent in marriage, but with other couples who are childless it would be hard to tell.

find someone who wants and loves children and who has the same basic views on raising them as me

@Hobosnake I’ve turned down at least one marriage—and avoided many casual encounters—because I wanted to minimize the chances of having a baby. Does that make your opinionated little heart leap for joy? Do I qualify as “being realistic”? Because those decisions mucked up my life in other ways. There are myriad reasons for people getting married, not just for popping out several little trophies into an already overpopulated planet.