For me, it was the conscious effort to be a genuine role model for me son rather than a “do as I say, not as I do” parent. This is far easier said than done, especially in my case. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, and was deeply entrenched in the victim’s mindset. I had no self-worth, and I was cynical and pessemistic. I made poor relationship decisions, which resulted in me being a single mother.
When my son was in Middle School, he had witnessed way too many bad things and he was depressed and talked about hurting himself. I got us both into therapy and on medication (this was before they said the SSRIs could make suicidal ideations worse in kids). Still, I was mired in that mindset, and my life went from bad to worse… I was unemployed, uninsured and headed for bankruptcy.
I can’t pinpoint a moment when I chose to change, or any catalytic influence, such as a book. All I know is that about five years ago, I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and to appreciate all the good fortune I have. I began looking for every little thing I could find that was positive in my life… the physical health of my son and I, having food and shelter, having intelligence and education. Then I started expressing gratitude for any little good thing, like a green light or close parking space when I’m in a hurry.
This was the beginning of a change in me, and in my son. Over time, I learned to stop hating myself for events that not only happened in the past, but were beyond my control—why did I feel ashamed? I learned to accept myself and forgive myself the mistakes I had made over the years.
The hardest part has been learning to love myself unconditionally, with the same devotion that I have for my son and for the men I have loved. But with time and patience and the blessing of my most recent relationship, I am closer than ever. I have recently modified my diet and started working out for me, and I feel really good and have been losing weight gradually, which is healthier and more likely to last because I am not depriving myself. There are still areas that I need to get into order, but I know that each day is a gift, and another opportunity for me to get closer to becoming the “me” I’ve been inside all along.
@cak: I appreciate the candor with which you and others share your experiences of dealing with serious health issues. I work in healthcare, and feel that seeing the hardships that others face helped me put my situation in perspective and see how lucky I am. It also helps remind me that “time is the space between me and you”, since I do not know for how long I will have the blessing of good health… so it behooves me not to take it for granted.
Thank you for being open about your personal journey and sharing such valuable lessons. Much love – and lurve – to you