Guys: you meet a girl who's recently been engaged, seems really out of your reach and yet still really into you. How would you, personally, handle a situation like this?

On behalf of the collective, THANK YOU for your full disclosure. Lurve for excellent etiquette.

To be honest, I would stay friends with her, don’t interfere in the relationship. I would let it happen, but, if by chance it failed (not due to me), I would comfort her and then there would actually be a chance. Then I would somehow fuck up and they would get back together (I’m just being realistic, that’s what actually happens to me all the time).

I would always have the hope that someday we would have a relationship, and if it does happen, I don’t want it to be because of manipulation. It has to happen naturally. However, if they’re going out for 5 years, the relationship is very strong and there is no way that I’ll ever be with her, then I just get up and move on. The above only works if there is a slight chance.

Well if I was in a situation like that, my point of view is if she is going to cheat on her fiance/husband/bf/ what ever she will do it with or without you. However, don’t go out of your way to make yourself overly available to her. Basically what I’m saying is, Don’t go looking to break up someones relationship, but if she is throwing herself at you then you mine as well. Now if you know her fiance/bf/husband then that’s a totally different story, you should never touch that. Unless its your boss and you hate him or something I dunno lol, total judgment call on that one.

Nothing from nothing leaves nothing, I would sample the dessert, definitely , but thats just me.

I think perhaps she has just realized that being engaged/married means all other men are off limits. So she may just be understanding in a profound sense what that actually means. I don’t think it condemns her to cheat—only that she is just aware of new limitations around her. And she may be a tad wistful. I would try to be understanding and not try to seduce her.

It all depends on what I think about her. If im into a lady and she is digging me then Im going to go for it, I have missed too many opportunities and learned that when the stars line up you gotta go for it.

All of the other factors matter too. Do you know the dude she is engaged to? How long have you known this chick?

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Pop the cork.

@Introverted_Leo You gotta give us more circumstantial evidence. Such as, what’s my hypothetical marital/emotional status? What’s my relationship to the girl and her fiance? Etc, etc…

Sounds like mixed signals. She seems like she’s into me, and she’s engaged. I’d be perplexed. I’m friendly, but I tend to be quite restrained in terms of actually going for it. So I imagine I would enjoy the flirting, get home, and go “What the fuck was that all about?”

If I saw her again, and it continued, I might say something like, “It seems like you’re into me, but you’re engaged. What’s the deal?”

The old me would enjoy her company and attention but not make any advances and be dumb to her physical or verbal cues/invitations. I’d sort of have a paternalistic regard for the importance of her engagement above my desire for her. (And I would lack awareness of her desire/agency in the equation.) So, “I like her, but she’s engaged, so I won’t try anything,” and it’s settled without regard for her opinion.

The new me is a whore, who understands that his tendency to attract and be attracted to attached women is part of his astrological makeup, and who is on a long, slow rebound from a horribly misguided youth of Catholic-inspired abstinence. So, as long as she wasn’t some kind of nut job and circumstances were favorable, I’d pursue it as far as she cared to.

An engagement ring means NOTHING to some women. Trust me on that.

I personally would get as far away as possible.

These answers have been great so far. Mucho, mucho lurve.

@tb1570: I left the details vague to hear how everyone would act under different conditions, which leaves me with things to consider when I’m writing fictional stuff. So if I would have given you more details, I’d have lost out on those conditions. Though to oversimplify it, I could try and put you in the guy’s shoes and say this much:

You’re single, but not sure if she is. There are rumors that she’s involved with someone else, but she won’t confirm this. Your relationship is initially professional with her. As a journalist, your job has brought you to her and you’re trying to get a story out of her, so you need to work with her in order to get it. (I don’t mean to make it sound so straight-forward and impersonal, but that’s sorta how it is for him, lol.)

Anyways, the more you work with her the more you realize that there’s a growing spark between you two. After a couple of weeks you decide to try and advance things a little, and she doesn’t respond favorably. That’s when she tells you she’s been engaged. Actually, she just got engaged a couple of days ago, haha.

Thing is, the more time you spend with her, the more she wants to grow closer to you and the less she wants to talk about her fiancé. Still, you’ve committed yourself to this story, pretty lady or not, and you’re determined to get it. (The story he’s after actually goes beyond her and has some deeper sentimental value to him; it’s just he realizes that she’s connected to it and needs her help to get some answers.)

What makes this fictional situation different than it would in our society is that her fiancé lives in a country where polygamy is legal. By law, its citizens, male and female, are allowed to have up to three spouses. Though this woman lives in the same country as you (or him), half of her ethnicity comes from her mother being a citizen of the country where polygamy is acceptable. She can’t practice polygamy, but her fiancé can.

So that’s sort of the dumbed down version of where this question came from. :P I do like my characters to be kinda complex.

@skfinkel: “I think perhaps she has just realized that being engaged/married means all other men are off limits. So she may just be understanding in a profound sense what that actually means.”

I found your comment particularly interesting because in this case this is absolutely true for her. She really is realizing that she can only be committed to one man, unless she leaves her country and becomes a citizen where the polygamy would be okay. Thing is, though, she’s very determined to prove her patriotism to her native country. Her father wasn’t very loyal to his, and she’s got some activist groups hating on her because she’s not 100% native in their eyes (among other things); there are several more details to their situation which makes it even stickier.

But I just thought it was funny you commented the way you did, skfinkel. : ) It’s actually helping me to think about my characters from new angles.

@Trustinglife: lol, very much so.

@kevbo: “The new me is a whore, who understands that his tendency to attract and be attracted to attached women is part of his astrological makeup, and who is on a long, slow rebound from a horribly misguided youth of Catholic-inspired abstinence.”

Funny you mention that. Some of my hero’s personality is based off someone I know who grew up the same way, lol. I’ve made my character (the ficitonal equivalent of) agnostic, but he’s remained abstinent for different reasons. Actually, I’m still trying to figure out the logic and that aspect of him. : / Though his mother was religious before she died…meh. He’s been the hardest to work out.

Ha! I actually just got into a situation like this. I met a girl in my college history class and we hit it right off the bat. We talked often, ate together often. About two weeks after all this I found out that she had gotten engaged that weekend. But that didn’t really change anything. Now she’s come to visit me at work and we go to each others houses, I normally help her learn guitar or tutor her on homework. The other day she admitted to liking me. Low and behold, I like her too. Last time she came to visit me at work we kissed. I’d like to note *she made the advance. So for the moment, I’m trying to figure out what to do to get this girl. I really really want to go out with her but she’s engaged…but we both like each other a good amount…..whoever can help me out with this one I’d be extremely grateful. I’ve broken up a relationship or two before but they were all already about to fall apart.