Oh God! That sucks big time. I was there a couple of months ago. Now I’m having the first sustained burst of feeling not bad that I’ve had in two years. When I was down where you are, people kept telling me that it would be over some time, but I never believed them. I was like you, too, thinking of suicide all the time, yet knowing I would not do it. It’s a horrible way to live.
I’m new to this, having only been diagnosed in 2008. We spent a year trying to find the right combination of drugs, and now we seem to have it: lithium, welbutrin, and lamictal. It took forever to get here. I think if I went down again, it will be worse, because I’ve worked so hard for this, and I’ll have to start all over. However, I know it’s likely that it will happen again. I might go for years before that happens, or it might be a few weeks. Hopefully, it’ll never happen again.
I think that you are asking this question because you are down, and all you can imagine is that it will get worse. I think, somewhere in the back of your head, you know it will get better. That’s why you don’t kill yourself, among other reasons. For me, it was my wife and kids that gave me a reason to hold out.
I don’t know if our disorder gets easier, or worse. I think we have good times, and bad times. I think that if we work hard to learn techniques to keep the bad times away, we might be successful at that some day. For me, I’ve been through CBT, and that didn’t work. I have hope that mindfulness will give me some tools to fight it off in the future. You can start these things even while you are down.
I hope you have help. Not just a psychiatrist and a therapist, but people to support you in your life. There’s someone in my group who doesn’t have help, and he just went off his meds, and now he’s back telling us he’s drinking a lot again. He’s self-medicating, of course, and that’s not a good way to deal with this disorder. At least he’s coming to group.
I don’t know where you’ve been, or how you got diagnosed. I don’t know your situation in life. If you’re like me, the support you get here will seem like nothing, but really turn out to be one of your lifelines. People talk sense here. They give you support even when they know you can’t hear it.
Listen to me. You will get through this. You have my support. Look at the damn novel I’ve written here! People fucking care!
Ok, I was going to talk about self-esteem, but that’s enough for now. Perhaps you remember a times when you felt good about yourself? You will again.