What is the psychology behind abuse of those we supposedly love?

I’m not sure why it happens, but I can tell you there are different kind of violence. We just learned about IPV (intimate partner violence) in my Deviance class a few days ago. Theres common couple violence, intimate terrorism, violent resistance, and mutual violent control. In CCV one or both parties lash out physically, it’s not usually about control, it’s the most common form of IPV but not as frequent as others, it’s also not likely to escalate. IT is about control, it’s more frequent within the relationship, more likely to be a male perpetrator, it’s more likely to escalate and less likely to be mutual, and it is more likely to involve serious injury. VR is when one party fights back so to speak and is almost exclusively done by women. Lastly, MVC is when both parties are using IT to battle each other for control.

So, my guess as to why people abuse others has to do with control in some cases. One person trying to make others do what they want them to do, or keep them from doing things they don’t want them to do. We watched a video and it asked one of the women why she took it – she said she thought it was normal. She said that the male is supposed to be the dominant one and that hitting her is how he shows his dominance and that she was okay with that. Other people rationalize it. There’s something called the “salvation ethic” when the abused denies any injury or victimization as well as denying that there are any options available.

I think the impulse to harm someone or “the one” you love is perfectly natural. You’ve heard the sayings, “You always hurt the ones you love” or “It’s a thin line between love and hate” or “Familiarity breeds contempt.”

How one chooses to deal with that impulse is determined by your personal history with violence and what you consider acceptable in a relationship.

When my wife was a PO, she had this one guy on probation who physically abused his child. He was impossible to rehabilitate because while most abusers recognized their actions as “wrong”, they justified their behavior. This guy did not understand how he was wrong at all. He was from the Dominican Republic and claimed this was how everyone he knew back home handled their children. “They are your property” he would say, “It’s how you teach them.”

Clearly there’s a history of this attitude in this country and many other places. Have you ever known somone (someone’s “dad”) who had a paddle, or stick for dicipline purposes?

This impulse has also been played for humor. “To the moon Alice” clearly meant that Ralph wanted to hit Alice (“Pow! Right in the kisser”).

I see that in my own marriage. My wife will often say, “Ya know, I could knock you out”, when I’ve frustrated her. Conversely, I’ll say something like, “I’m gonna club you”.

We’re kidding, but the impulse is there.

Here’s what I want to know… Why are there people out there who traumatize their child over and over again. Even going beyond beatings, to starvation, locking them in a cage, etc. Presumably, these people love their child, right? If you found yourself to be such a parent, and felt powerless to stop abusing your child, wouldn’t you do everything you could to protect him/her? I mean, wouldn’t you rather give your child up than ruin their lives, or end up killing them? I just don’t understand this at all.

i believe it is because we expect those we abuse to always love us no matter what. other cases may be that the abuser hopes to lose the one they are abusing. they can be an insecure individual who was exposed to abuse earlier in life and only know that and they think it is normal. it really depends on the individual. some crave control and others fear being lonely. the abuser in most cases needs some psychological help and the ones that are being abused also need it after the fact. it is a very sad situation for both parties but i am more partial to giving sympathy to those being abused

I think this relates to Blondesjon’s question about control. People abuse the ones they love so they can feel powerful. If they feel powerful they feel as though they can control their loved ones. If they can control their loved ones they can force them to stay. Abusers at their core are wimps with zero self-esteem, they feel that since they are not lovable, the only way for them to get it is to force people to love them.

In dealing with the aftermath of my own abuse, I can say there are some factors that coalesced into violence and disturbed behavior:

The people who abused me were mentally ill, and it was left untreated, thanks to the stigma during my childhood about getting help for it.

The men who abused me early on did not love me at all. They made that very clear. I was a thing to be used to them, and my BM didn’t stop them.

My main abuser was more likely to abuse me when she felt she had no agency to handle a stressful situation or to deal adequately with her angry feelings. Abusing me was a quick jolt of feeling powerful and a way to discharge that anger.

My main abuser was isolated, and had no real friends, no husband, and no idea of how to get her emotional needs met in a mature, responsible adult way. Her son made sure he got into the kind of trouble that would have him sent away. So when she was lonely, there wasn’t anyone else around except for me.

And in my main abuser’s instance, she was a child in a grown-up’s body. She would compete with me for attention. She would become angry when I worked on strengthening my talents and sabotage me or end the situation outright by command. It’s very sad to watch a 30-something woman be envious of a child, especially since that, if she’d gotten help, she could’ve allowed her own talents to be developed. But she rejected help at every turn.

The fact that as a child I had needs was ignored. People treated me according to their needs, not mine.

As an adult, I’ve had to walk away. Staying in relationship with these people was a threat to my freedom.

I tell myself that it is because of some inadequacy in the abuser, and the abuse helps them fill it, combined with learning at a young age that this is how it is done. Jealousy plays a role. Feelings of inferiority and inadequacy can drive this jealousy, and cause the person to abuse someone.

I think that the lower the socio-economic status, the more likely there is to be abuse. So, in part, it comes from deprivation, or failure to meet expectations. But that’s not the only thing involved, because it does happen in middle and upper class households. Often, though, it takes a subtler form in upper class households: emotional and verbal abuse instead of physical.

In any case, when you feel like you are shit, worthless, with no skill whatsoever, there is an emptiness in you that makes you very, very angry. It seems completely unfair and wrong, and when we are frustrated, we tend to lash out at whoever is near. We rationalize it in one way or another. I think abusers who rape their children probably feel that children are property, or at least, less than fully human. Either that, or they had the same treatment when they were kids. I think that if you don’t have the education to be able to reflect on your own behavior, then you don’t have much chance of stopping yourself. You just “act out.” Act out your self-loathing, except instead of hitting yourself, you hit whoever is nearby and can’t or won’t hit back.

Ah, there are so many why’s to abuse. Some may be present in one case; others in another. But at the bottom, I believe there is always some inadequacy that is being acted out on the defenseless.

This always makes me think about what to do about it. I think it is one reason why parenting classes should be mandatory. Education is key for folks to recognize what they are doing. If they see what they are doing, they have a better chance of stopping it. Economic opportunity can be important, too. Psychological services for everyone, but that’s not going to happen. Maybe support groups could happen, maybe on a neighborhood level (I think in the old days, churches used to serve this function). Safe houses for people to run to; automatic belief in what self-identified victims are saying (although still to be verified because kids do lie when they are pissed at their parents).

I think community and education are the bastions to fight abuse. People are afraid and ashamed to bring these things to light because of the stigma involved in being a dysfunctional family. We need to find ways to destigmatize this behavior so that people can talk about it and correct it.

There’s a well-known theory that we choose partners who have some of the character
structure of our parents. When we’re little, we can’t fight back effectively; we’re too dependent. But when we grow up to have muscles and developed brains, we can.
We choose someone who can represent the person we couldn’t deal with earlier,and
we work our stuff out on them. If you have two somewhat immature people doing this together, things can get pretty intense, and it’s seductive to keep engaging in these battles even if we’re confused and hurt by all that intensity.
If someone has a child who reminds them of one of the “big people” who presented a problem in the parent’s own childhood, you have a pretty complex situation.
Example: I had a little stepson who was a serious dope smoker long before I met him. He exhibited a lot of the moral obliviousness I used to see in my dad when he was drinking. For a long time I couldn’t manage to move toward the kid emotionally – which is exactly what he needed someone to do…..

@Allie GA! I was going to say control too…I think that’s a major component of abuse.

@susanc I understand the theory but i don’t understand to a certain extent why you would seek out someone who reminded you of your parents…really i mean as the abused not the abuser…

@Allie – GA!! If I could give extra lurve, I would!

the frustrated feelings towards people you love tend to have more to do with the people having the feelings rather than the actions of the other. I love my wife more than anything but we do argue and we can get very frustrated with each other, but If i didnt love her it wouldnt matter to me whatever i was frustrated about.. (if that makes sense) every relationship has a control issue which I think stems from your childhood, even if your not so freudian and dont go looking for someone like your mum or dad (subconsiously of course :) then you tend to have a set structure to the way the other person should behave in a relationship. This means that you tend to put a square peg in a round hole and the hardest part of any relationship is adapting to each other. Not simply applying everything you have always learned to this new relationship.

They say that people who marry who have lived on the same street all their life will have it much easier that people from different countries or religions, simply due to the way in which they view the world. maybe the question should be what makes us stay with our partners and let ourselves abuse and be subjected to abuse by them?

Great answer @TheFonz_is.

And welcome to Fluther.

@cprevite thanks! :)