How do you find someone who doesn't want to be found?

Her parents can file a missing person’s report with the FBI and if they know her ss# or Drivers License #, it will be easy to find her.

The police reports in San Deigo where the missing person report was filed back in 2004 have her listed as voluntarily missing. Is having her parents contact the FBI still an option. I mean someone could have stolen her identity and she could be dead somewhere. The family wants to know for sure, they want proof. Thanks

For the sake of argument- If there is no reason to feel that this person is in danger How about respecting that persons choice to not be present?

Often we as non-family are not aware of all the dynamics within a family nor what real reasons prompted the exit.

Hiring a private investigator is often useful.

It is difficult. The best is to hire a private investigator and publish ur finding on the news.

giver her reason to want to be found? I am not talking with blackmail or violence. Examine her service history and see if there is any indication as to where she may be. See if any close friendships developed and contact them.

Her family is very Christian and her dad is very outspoken on homosexuality and we suspect that she may have become involved in gay relationships that turn violent prior to her leaving the Navy. The family contacted a psychic who told them that she was involved in a love traingle that turned bad and she was burned to death in a car. So the family fears she is dead howeever if she is alive she may be living in a gay community somewhere. And perhaps cannot leave.

Cannot leave? Since when were Gay communities hostile sects?

She is living a life her parents do not approve of. She has chosen to not interact. She is not in danger. In my opinion she is not with them because they do not approve of her life.

Respect her choice.

I agree very strongly with @Dog. Leave her alone if she doesn’t want to be found.

I second Dog’s wisdom.

I’m with Dog on this. She’s chosen to cut off contact, it is up to her if and when she decides to re-initiate it. Her family should respect her choice in this.

There are always ways to get help. If she needs it, she can find it.

Also, don’t get me started on the “psychic” part of that.

A private eye can tell them if she’s safe w/o her even knowing, so thats the way to go.

The parents have no right to find her. None.

Listen, what if her identity has been stolen. There are folks who collect several (5) welfare checks. As a friend to the family, she told me once that she was not gay that she only hung aroung them to find out how they think. Come on. It is not by choice that she does not contact her family.

Okay, does anyone have a contact on a good private eye or private investagtor. Once a get some money, I’m going to pay for one.

Of course they have the right to find her, there is no law against searching for a loved one.

“As a friend to the family”, you’re one of the ones she’s cut off contact with. “As a friend of the family”, you probably have the same opinions about sexuality as her parents, so it’s not exactly a huge shock to think she’d lie to you about her sexual identity either.

If her identity has been stolen, it effects her family in no way. She will handle it. She’s a capable young woman, I am sure. She has chosen to cut off contact with her family. I really think you are sticking your nose where it does not belong. There are always options open to someone. This is her choice.

Johnny, they have the right to search for her. They do not have the right to find her. There is no law against hiding from your loved ones either.

How “they think”? Are gay people now people of anthropological curiosity?

Locate is the word, knowing she is safe can be done w/o her knowlege and thats all a parent wants.

“Locate” and “is safe” have already been done. Police reports showed her to be “voluntarily missing”.

How could they have located her if she is voluntarily missing ?

Police say there is ” reason to believe ” she is alive….doesnt cut it for me….Im hiring a private eye.

She’s missing from the family, not from the world. The police located her to determine that she doesn’t want to be found by the family. That’s how I interpret the phrase anyhow.

Why would it matter if her identity was stolen? And listen, straight people don’t hang out with gay people to “find out how they think.” That’s just silly. She hung out with them because they were her friends, no matter what her sexual orientation is.
She doesn’t want to be found.

When I met Sandra, she invited me to church, she was 16 years old. I was 21 years old and she’d already had a rough life. She told me one day that she knew my sister was gay and that she wanted to witness to them and I think that she got sucked into the life style after 20 years or so. Sometimes even the best of intentions can turn violent. Her sister just wants to know if she alive.

Cuts it for me just fine. And Kudos to the police for not violating this woman’s privacy to people she obviously doesn’t want to have anything to do with.

Thank you for confirming that you share this idiotic notion of her parents’ regarding gays and lesbians. One does not get “sucked into the lifestyle”. One is either gay, or one is not. It is not a cult. It is a sexual orientation.

No wonder this woman wants nothing to do with you or her family.

If they know for sure that she is alive ,the police should have said, ” she;s alive ,but doesnt want to be contacted ”.....any other answer is bullshit.

Nope, any other answer is a respect for privacy. The police have a HELL of a bigger responsibility to the woman’s privacy than to the family’s desire to know.

“served 16 years in the United States Navy” “she was 16 years old”,“after 20 years or so”...
So she’s at least 16+20 = 36 years old! Let her live her own life, for God’s sake!

“suckered into the lifestyle after 20 years or so?” What? So this pure innocent straight girl spent TWENTY YEARS observing the elusive gay in the natural habitat, then the gay wore off on her and she got “suckered in”?

sarcasm, just in case it wasn’t blatantly obvious.

Telling her parents that she is fine is just common decency and violates no ones rights. Fact is they dont know and are speculating. Private Eye time.

The hell it doesn’t.

The police have exactly one responsibility when they receive a Missing Persons report – make sure the person isn’t dead or in mortal danger. Once that’s been satisified, they have NO reason or right or responsibility to tell the ones who files the report a damn thing.

Being gay or not has nothing to do with the equation, she could be a Jane Doe in some county record hall for all they know.

@Johnny_Rambo If the question stood on its own, I’d agree with you.

But from the additional information added, I think someone has a rescue complex: “We’ll find you and save you from this evil gay lifestyle you’ve obviously been tricked into.”

Hey whaddyaknow, we finally agree on something. Her orientation is irrelevant. The police got a report, followed up on it, satisified their responsibilities, and moved on to actual crimes and investigations.

Police dont have to tell anyone where she lives, ect, just that she is okay…nothing wrong with that.

Nothing right with it either. The police don’t work for the parents. They owe the parents nothing. If the woman doesn’t want to be found, the police shouldn’t tell them a damn thing. They did the right thing.

Obviously the police didnt satisfy ” sheite ”.

How is that “obvious”, exactly? Because they didn’t tell YOU anything about her? They satisified their own requirements and closed the case. That’s the only obvious thing here.

Private Investigators are a dime a dozen…usually retired law enforcement, Ive used them and recommend one in this case.

Why? What is the desired outcome? Let’s assume the OP does hire a PI and is successful. He finds out that either the daughter is dead or is alive and wants nothing to do with the family. Is either of those situations desireable? Are either of them going to make the famly happy? Either the daughter is dead, or you’re such horrendous parents that you drove her away from speaking to you for 20 years. There is no positive outcome for the family. There is only a negative outcome for the daughter who has had her privacy messed with and her life intruded upon. The hiring of a PI does no good and only bad in this case.

While it is her family’s right to hire an investigator, they should respect her privacy and not. If they do, and they act on the information given to them by the PI by contacting her, they have no common decency.

Edited to add: I am ignoring the possibility that she is in trouble because it is fairly clear that her family—or at least her family friend—has no idea what is actually being in trouble versus what is a personal choice.

A private eye does not need to alert the girl of his presence. His job is confirm her status as dead or alive , safe or unsafe. Comprende ?

Which the police have already done. Comprende?

The only reason to hire a PI is to get the information the police won’t give out.

The police have only said ” they have reason to believe ” . How would you like it if your kid was missing and thats all they offered ? Get real, these parents are suffering and need answers, her privacy is secondary to their torment.

The hell it is. They caused her to runaway and not contact them.

Itty: You dont know that and are only assuming.

If my kid was missing and the police told me they had reason to believe she was fine, I hope I’d have the good sense and decency to respect her wishes not to be found and take a step back to consider why she cut off contact with me.

If she wanted them to know anything about her, to relieve their torment, she would have contacted them. She didn’t.

Also, the OP said they filed a police report in 2004. If she’s been missing for 16 or 20 years (unclear on the timeframe here), how much “torment” have they suddenly undergone that made them file a report 5 years ago?

Thank you all for you thought and your time. I’m logging off now. I think I’ll stick with a private eye or private investigator. Have a great Mardi Gras

If her parents are good christians, surely they know of the parable of the prodigal son. Leave her alone and respect her privacy. If she wants to have contact with the family, she will do so. The fact that she does not want to be found should be respected.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. i know a lady whose daughter left angrily 10 years ago and has not communicated with them. It is shear hell especially around Holidays and birthdays. A damned phone call just to let them know she is fine w/o disclosing ANYTHING is all that should be expected out of these damned ungrateful kids.

The answer is already in the question: she doesn’t want to be found. Apparently, you all knew this to begin with.

Leave her alone.

If she doesn’t want to be found, I would respect her privacy. I know that’s hard to do!

i’m terribly confused.
It is not by choice that she does not contact her family
there is reason to beleive she is alive just does not want to be found.

my idea is that if she doesn’t want to be found, let her go. if you have reason to believe that she’s in danger, contact a private investigator or something, and find out if she is.

i’m not even going to start on the whole ‘sucked into teh violent gheyness!!~’ aspect of this, nor the irony of her parents being “very christian” yet contacting a psychic.

edit: i just saw the part that says she’s like 30 something? i don’t know. i mean, i understand that the family is worried, but if she really does not want to be found, i think it should be up to her as she is a grown woman to live the life she wants.

I have a ‘kid’ who’s 36. If she went missing, I guess I’d be concerned. But if I wasn’t aware enough of my daughter’s inclination to run away or of her personal life enough to know whether she was leading a gay lifestyle or not, then I probably wouldn’t deserve to know where she was, because obviously I would not have been making an effort to be part of her life for over 20 years.

Rambo, you know nothing about the lives of these kids that you blanket with “ungrateful”. You don’t know what hells their parents might have put them through. To suggest that cutting yourself off from your tormenters makes you evil because you’ve caused your tormenters pain is just idiotic.

No, I don’t know that these parents were evil, or that this kid’s life was hell. What I do assume is that she had a damned good reason for leaving, and it trumps whatever pain these parents feel.

I disagree, I know of kids who leave home because they didnt get something of $$$ value or maybe their parents tried to get them into a good church OR away from dope-head buddies. Kids can be cruel for the stupid reasons. I’ not satisfied with the police report, sorry.

I haven’t left yet. I guess I needed a good diversion. Rambo is just stating and opinion but Mritty you it seems are judging him. Judge not that you be not judged. Everyone has an opinion and entitled to it. I happen to agree with Rambo that kids regardless of their age should honor their mother and father and because they don’t they ARE UNGRATFUL!

BWAHAHAHAHAH

jrm, do you even SEE the irony of this latest post? In the same breath in which you tell me “judge not lest you be judged”, you blanket judge every child who’s left home, not to mention your judgements of every gay man and woman on the planet.

Give me a break.

@jrm1234567 Yeah, funny that there’s no reciprocal requirement that parents honor their children. God did

If found would the parents honestly have the willpower NOT to invade her privacy?

Respect her decisions and let her meet up again with them on her own terms.

Johnny_Rambo, you kind of had me until “good church”. If my parents tried to “get me into a good church”, which I would assume means force me into their stupid, conservative religion, I would probably leave home and never look back.

I have two boys and I’ve always told them they can be pissed off at me all they want for occassionally correcting them, but they had better contact their mother so she doesnt worry….....or I’ll find them and kick their ass…..thats why they love me and would never hurt us in that manner!

@MrItty—Do you really expect anything other than that kind of hypocrisy from someone who won’t leave an adult to live her own life the way she wants to just because it doesn’t gel with what they think the person should do?

Empress: So, billions of children throughout the world who are in a good church should leave home and never return ? What religion teaches that ?

@Johnny_Rambo His Son’s first rule (and second) had to do with Love, though, I think. And in this case both the parents and the child are ‘neighbors’, no?

[mod says:] There is no reason to have personal attacks/insults in your quips. Future such quips will be removed.

Grisson: I was referring to the Ten Commandments which we are to ” obey ”,,,,,as in obedience. First comes obedience, then comes love, no ?

@Johnny_Rambo And I was referring to Christ’s summary of those same commandments which fall into two groups. 1–4) Love God. 5–10) Love your Neighbor.

Mr.Itty: There is no reason to leave this discussion, just be cool man…..its not that important.

@Johnny_Rambo:
Children who worship in a religion they agree with and believe are fine. I’m not saying they should run away and never return. I’m saying that if “their parents tried to get them into a good church”, maybe they didn’t want to be in that church. Maybe they didn’t want to follow that religion. And frankly, most parents who try to force their kids to church are doing it with a conservative religion that I disagree with wholeheartedly. I tend to view those religions more as cults with manipulative leaders who keep their positions and importance through the fear they instill in their congregation.

Griss: But do you agree that obedience to God is a pre-condition to receiving HIS love and blessings as it is spelled out in the bible ?

@Johnny_Rambo No, those are a gift. But this is probably going WAAAAYYY off topic.

Separate quip because it may get taken down:
@Johnny_Rambo: I actually agree with MrItty. When I showed this thread to my boyfriend, his response was: His kids love him because he’s threatened them with violence?

That’s exactly how your comment reads. It might not be what you meant, but that is how it reads. And frankly, that’s not good.

Empress: First of all children do not have the maturity to decide these things for themselves and good parenting requires that we at least try to give kids some kind of moral base and compass. A ” good church ” can do this.

The old testament was big on sacrifice but the new testament is big on obedience..a contrite and humble heart is what pleases God. We will worship God in Spirit and in truth no adays where pre Jesus they worship God on a mountain somewhere. Because of what Jesus did for us we should no longer hide in fear or shame of what ever lifestyle one choices to live but don’t punish the parents for it.

My kids love me because I am a good father and a good father will not tolerate behavior which will hurt the family. Yes, I am hard on them, but the college diplomas and clean records/behavior have convinced me that its my way or the hiway…father knows best.

Bringing it back to parenting a bit.
I expect my childen to obey me.
It is not a requirement for my love, though.
If they don’t obey me, I might withhold their tuition, but I would never withhold my love.
I would always want to be involved in their lives, and if they ran away, I would be very sad.
But if I had not kept up with them or had been otherwise separate from them for 20 years, then it would be my own fault and I would let them live their own lives.

When a person joins the Military, the parents don’t have much of a choice of keeping tabs on their children. Parents trust that their kids are fine that the government is taking care of them. So when Sandra left the Military after serving 16 years she spoke to her dad about it and he said fine but he didn’t know that a bomb shell was about to go off. She would never contact him again. He is heart broken because he trusted her. His bad.

Loving and needing love is a self-serving human condition which will ensure our survival on many levels, but back to the missing girl, hire a P.I and put this thing to rest. Do not intrude upon her privacy at all costs IF she is found.

Well, sure you can keep tabs on them. Military folks have e-mail and you can write letters. They can be a part of their lives. No, they can’t drag them to church or ground them if they stay out late, but for kids at 36, that’s not what being a parent is all about.

I’m confused. Since when do very Christian people go to psychics?

Has anyone ever given any thought to the possibility that she doesn’t want anyone to fuss at her for being gay? Or maybe some other aspect of her family life bothers her to such a degree that she doesn’t want anything to do with it?

She is an adult, for Heaven’s sake.

@Darwin Welcome to our insanity.

What do PI do you recommend?

My only point is that the police report was unsatisfactory ” to me ”. If I were convinced she were safe and alive, that would be the end of it.I would respect her right to privacy, but she could be dead or in danger based on the police report saying ” we have reason to believe ”...not good enough.

A Private Investigator who specializes in ” missing persons ”. Shouldnt be hard to find in Ca.

Percisely. The psychic came out of disperate times. In desperate time people will do anything. Didn’t King Saul inquire of a psychic when he wanted answers from Samuel who had died.

And what is this bit about her identity might have been stolen? Do you folks just like to come up with this stuff to torture yourselves?

I have a stepson who has not contacted us in 13 years. He is ashamed of the way he treated us to such an extent that he lied to his wife about being in touch with us. He is alive. He is divorced. He isn’t in jail. He isn’t dead. And he hasn’t had a DUI for 7 years. We found this out through public records. He knows where we live and if he ever matures enough he will come back to ask forgiveness, which we will gladly give.

And King Saul wasn’t a Christian. He was Jewish, and he wasn’t even a very good Jew. He put pride, and greed above public service and faithfulness to the Lord and so was removed from his throne. I don’t recommend that you follow his example.

If you must…

I’m always leary of helping someone I don’t know find somebody. For all I know it could be a stalker or rapist who just got out of prison and what’s to track down his victim.

For some reason this girl does not want to be found. how do we know she is not in danger if she is found by the people who seek her? The Mother in the movie Carrie was “religious” too, ya know. I’m sorry, but something seems hokey to me.

…......and maybe all the questions on here are a lie ? Hmmmm ? A conspiracy for sure. We just have assume things are what they appear to be, otherwise why even bother to come to this cyber-space ?

Yeah right, no one ever lies on the internet. This show is absolute fiction

Of course I could be wrong, but I’d rather err on the side of caution.

It must be true. I heered about it on the internet.

You’re a good sport Griss.

@Johnny_Rambo Always. :o)

Maybe she doesn’t want to be found because there’s a risk to her safety.