What`s the funniest joke you`ve ever heard?

There once was a man from Nantucket….oh, wait. Nevermind.

The one that made me laugh the longest was ‘A nervous titter ran through the crowd’.
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I guess you had to be there.

@Grisson
Kind of weird, because your avatar is a picture of an old-looking man, and you are saying that. Just doesn’t match, man. hahaa

@90s_kid Watch it young snipperwhapper! Just because I have a granddaughter who could take you in a fair fight doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate a funny joke. Just funnin’ ya, of course. Not offended at all

@Grisson see you are a cool person who can take a joke. I`m adding you to my Fluther!!!!!

Your first is always the best. My first off-color joke when I was 8.

Two housewives were talking.
First HW: I’m having trouble with mice. How do you deal with them?
Second HW: I just stuff fine steel wools in their little holes.
First HW: Who holds their little legs?

Well. I was only 8

@galileogirl oh my gosh it took me a while but i think i got it yea that would be really funny at 8 anything is

@Grisson
I thought it was “Whippersnapper”, not“Snipperwhapper”

@90s_kid Heh! Young folks these days! It was an oonerspism.

Isn’t it “spooneroism” not “oonerspism” :D
(No idea what that is anyway)

what in the world is a oonerspism?

a drum set fell off a cliff

ba dum chaaaaaa

oh wait that was the crappiest joke i know that still makes everyone laugh

This thread hasn’t been funny yet.

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

@simone54 i agree, where the hell is joey graz at!?

There once was a mother who had three kids. The first one was named Rose.
Rose asked, “Why is my name Rose?”
Her mom answers, “Because when you were born, a rose pedal trickled on to your forehead.”
The next kid’s name was Leif. Leif asked “Why is my name Leif?”
His mom replied, “Because when you were born, a leaf fluttered and landed on your hair.”
The third one said “MYAMYAMYAMYA.”
And the mom says “Shut up, cinderblock.”

Funnier in person, actually. Just makedamnsure Cak and Chyna don’t read this.

@Grisson They just don’t get you do they? Well I do. And it’s hilarious. Bravo m8.

Funniest joke? Well I thought I had one but @galileogirl ‘s beat it mouse paws down and mouse buttocks in the air.

Not my favorite, but a good quickie.
What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung.

What is red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

You can be anything you want when you grow up

@kwhull

Excuse me, but I’m a man from Nantucket and I’m very interested in what you were about to say. Do continue

heard this last night! made my day!

What do gay cows eat???

HAAAAAAAAA-AAY!!!!!!!!

A man takes his sick duck to the vet. He places the duck on the examination table and the vet takes one look and says “I’m sorry that duck is dead”.
The man can’t believe it and demands a second opinion so the vet opens the door, whistles and in bounds a Labrador Retriever. The dog takes a sniff at the duck and barks. The vet says “I’m sorry, the duck is definately dead.”
The man, obviously distraught, asks for a third opinion so the vet opens a window and in jumps a gray tabby. It prowls over to the duck takes a long hard look and then purrs. The vet says “Im really sorry the duck is dead”.

Finally the man accepts this and so asks the vet for the bill.
”$850” says the vet.
“Why is it so much?” asks the man
“Well. Its only $50 for the consult but then it’s $300 for the lab report and $500 for the CAT scan”

Humor is fleeting. What strikes you as funny one time may not be so funny in retrospect. Here is one I heard when young that still strikes me as funny, which no doubt shows my level of immaturity.

A man walks into a bar with a dog.
The bartender says that dogs are not allowed. The man says, “This is no ordinary dog. He can speak. If I can show yo that he speaks, can he stay?”

The bartender agrees. The man asks the dog, “What is on top of a house?” The dog says,“Roof!” The bartender is not impressed.

“Okay, the man says, what do golfers want to avoid?” The dog says, “Ruff!”

The bartender is getting very irate. “Okay, this will convince you. Who was the greatest baseball player?” The dog says,“Ruth!” The bartender has both of them tossed out.

As the man and the dog are walking down the street, the dog looks up at the man and says, “You think I should have said Dimaggio?”

And here, for no particularly good reason, is my godawful tax season joke that I came up with.

A man writes to his accountant,
“As a descendant of royalty I do not see why I should have to declare my income, let alone pay taxes, like some member of the stinking masses.”

The tax attorney writes back, “I strongly advise you to join the rank and file.”

Do you know what time is an bigest noise.When skeletons fucking on the metal roof…

You heard Obama was getting his kids a dog right. Well he got them a coonhound but he had to take it back because it kept treeing the kids.

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: “I’d like a job please”.

The hardware store owner says: “We don’t hire dogs, why don’t you go join the circus?”

The dog replies: “What the f*** would the circus want with a plumber?

:)

What the first thing that went thru Dale Earnhardts mind when he hit the wall? The dashboard.

@LostInParadise @90s_kid Definition: oonerspism

A man walks into a bar. Ouch.

@Grisson – Rather, aren’t we all just a bunch of quippersnappers ?

@steelmarket G/A

@Lightlyseared GROAN…

A pun’s the lowest form of wit,
It does not tax the brain a bit;
One merely takes a word that’s plain
And picks one out that sounds the same.

@ernie If you can’t be funny I guess you’ll settle for fool

A lady and and a duck walk into a bar. The bartender says “I’m sorry, but no dogs allowed”. The lady says “hey moron! This is a duck!” and the bartender says “I know. I was talking to the duck”.

A bigoted fool, at that.

@galilieogirl if a pun is the lowest form of humour where does that leave sarcasm.

Hey, sarcasm is my favorite thing!

@galileogirl brought her class to attention one morning.

“Class, today we are going to work on our alphabet skills. I am going to hold up a letter of the alphabet and one of you children are going to raise your hand and give me a word that starts with that letter.”

Galileogirl holds up the letter ‘A’. Blondesjon immediately raises his hand. Galileogirl thinks to herself, If I pick Blondesjon he is going to say ass or anus. I’d better pick Lightlyseared.

“Lightlyseared, what is your word for the letter ‘A’?”

“Apple”, Lightlyseared replies.

“Wonderful”, beams Galileogirl.

Galileogirl holds up the letter ‘B’. Blondesjon begins to frantically wave from the back of the room. Galileogirl thinks to herself, If I pick Blondesjon he is going to say bitch or bastard. I’d better pick Steelmarket.

“Steelmarket, what is your word for the letter ‘B’?”

“Boat”, Steelmarket replies.

“Delightful”, praises Galileogirl.

This continues until all of the students but Blondesjon have answered. Galileogirl holds up the letter “W”. She looks at the back of the room and Blondesjon half-heartedly raises his hand. Galileogirl thinks to herself, I can’t imagine anything dirty or disruptive that even that child could say for the letter ‘W’.

“Okay Blondesjon, what is your word for the letter ‘W’?”

“Womb”, Blondesjon replies.

“Very nice Blondesjon.”, gushes Galileogirl. “A womb is where a mommy grows a baby. It’s where your mommy grew you.”

Blondesjon smiles and replies, “Sorry teach but womb is the sound two elephants make when they fuck. WOMB! WOMB! WOMB!

@Blondesjon oh my God that is hilarious!!!!! I would have never guessed someone could come up with something like that!!! Very creative. i`m adding you to my Fluther!

@Blondesjon To the dean’s office—->

This is getting really funny!!! Keep going!

Here’s a joke i read somewhere:

I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line. Just one lady in front of me. . an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, “Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla for yen. Today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?”

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,“Fluctuations”.

The Asian lady says, “Fluc you white people, too ”

I’ve shared this one before, but I still like it.
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his wife on the road?

@AstroChuck nice

@discover haha

Cannibal jokes? Two were having lunch. One says “I hate my mother- in-law.” The other says,” Then just eat the noodles.”

Two cannibals were sharing a hunter they had killed and boiled. One started eating at the head working toward the middle.The other started at the feet. After a while the first one asked,” How are you doing?” The other says, ” I’m having a ball.” The first says, “You’re eating too fast.”

At what point do you get paranoid about receiving ‘Enlarge Your Penis’ emails? It’s just that I’m currently getting about 10 a day. 8 of them are from my girlfriend. It’s the 2 from my mom that really hurt…

You know those anti-AIDS red ribbons? You don’t see so many of them around these days, do you? Hmm. That is, I think, because the so-called anti-AIDS ribbons actually offer no protection. You think you’re upset, I found out from a bloke in the gents!

A belligerent bear went into a bar to buy a beer and the barman said “sorry we don’t sell beers to bears”. The bear bashed his brown paws together and said to the barman “if you don’t sell me a beer I’ll bash this bar to bits”’ “sorry” said the barman “no beers”. The bear bit a big bite of the bar and the barman said ” and we don’t sell any alcohol to druggies” I’m not a DRUGGIE “said the bear “yes you are” said the bar man look at the “BAR BIT YOU ATE”

How do you fit and elephant under a subway? You take the S out of Sub and the F out of Way…

What?

Your so fat that on Halloween you ring the bell and say, Trick or Meatloaf.

I can’t post it here…

But the punchline is…

“The harder you hit it, the better the english.”

@alive I have been giggling for at least an hour.