Etiquette question - how do I handle this gift?

Thank them profusely and explain that you don’t need the money and won’t be depositing the check. You really appreciate their concern for your and your family’s well-being and you were amazed by their generosity. Suggest a charity instead, and send a thank-you note.

People gift money all the time.

You could simply send a thank you and not cash the check.

I’ve never heard of anyone sending money to adults after an adult has passed away. I could see it if your mother still had children at home, but that’s obviously not the case. I like the first suggestion. Send the check back, be overly thankful, and suggest a charity.

@Mamradpivo and @ Epony – that was easy with the first person, this one – not quite as easy. Believe me, this won’t be a thank you and they accept the fact that I won’t accept the money. I’m trying so hard to do this drama free, for my mother! You are both (now Lan!) right though, the thank you note is in the works – I just want to be sure I do things the right way. I’m guessing something will be said no matter how I do it!

@eponymoushipster That sounds like the best way to do it. Don’t tell them what to do with their money just tell them, nicely, that you don’t want / need it.

@cak sometimes, feather ruffling is unavoidable. The goal is just to keep it to a minimum.

The only other option I see as viable is to accept the gift, and go ahead and donate it to a charity of your choice.

I think you should just accept the gift and then return the favor in some way when they need it. They are giving you the gift because they want to help and maybe that is the only way they really can. And you should never keep a check and not cash it. That can screw up peoples’ checking accounts.

@augustlan – that would make more sense, if there were still small children at home.

I agree with @augustlan, if the goal is to not get the relative’s dander up. Give it to the charity of your choice.

@everyone – thank you. I hope I didn’t sound ungrateful, it’s not so much of that – it’s just very odd and from the one person I didn’t want to deal with. I think I am considering the donation, just signing over the check. Life will be easier. time to put anger and pride away, right?

I kept in touch with my all-time favorite teacher long after I graduated and he retired. His sister wrote me of his death, and I felt it very personally. It had been my belief that the elderly (and single) sister and brother had been on very hard times during his long illness. So at some considerable sacrifice on my meager wages as a young working person, I sent her a check that I considered generous in his memory, hoping it would help her through whatever she had to deal with.

I received back a very short, almost curt note of thanks informing me that she had no need for the money and had donated it to the teachers’ association retirement fund.

It was a gift, and I had no further claim on it. But I felt that that was rather unfeeling. If she had written me a kind note thanking me for my thoughtfulness and saying that her needs were taken care of, but that I might donate it to the fund if I chose, I think it would have been much more fitting.

@Jeruba – thank you for that answer. I think I’m holding some very nasty things from the past against this person and generally, I don’t do that – especially not like this. You just made me think that it might not be why I think the check was sent, but yes, truly as a kind gesture. You comment was very well timed, thank you!

@cak, in your father’s honor, I know you want to keep all these matters as free of ill feelings as possible. I think you may have discovered that the best way is to assume benign intent on everyone’s part and to treat such gestures as if they were the kindnesses that they appear to be.

Well, they are your relatives and they want to help you.
Since you do not need the money nor want it, you could for example say that you can’t accept it and that you’d rather give it to their children for example. You need to come across as if you’re really fine. If you’re not, let people help you though. There’s a lot of people in the world dying to get that kind of support.

Maybe it’s because I grew up poor, but when my dad died people gave money to help with funeral expense and such and also when my first husband died. He died around Superbowl and the guys he worked with gave my kids the blank spots on their superbowl pool and the winner actually gave us the money. I was humbled and grateful. I did think “If it’s more blessed to give than to recieve then I want to be in a position to get sme blessings!”
Thank goodness things have turned and I have actually had the opportunity to pay it forward.

Cak, I’m sorry for your loss. We have had similar situations come up with a certain relative. What we have chosen to do, is we cash the check and put it aside in an account and say thank you. When asked what was done with the money, we tell them that we appreciate their thoughtfulness and that we set it aside for a raining day. This person does not have sincere motivations for giving money, there are always ‘strings’ attached, however, if we flat out refuse the money (even politely) then it creates a bigger problem. Our intention is to have the money available, if this person or children in the family need it (of course, we don’t bother mentioning that to the giver). We would gladly donate the money, but that would infuriate the giver, if they found out. I don’t know if my input helps, but I hope so.

@everyone- we made a decision today – and my mother is doing it with us. We are keeping the checks because we think the person is trying to make amends, and this is the only way they know how.

We are taking most of it and donating it to the charity we designated for my father. The remainder is going into college funds for the kids.

Unfortunately, years ago, this person did something really awful to my father and that is why it made it so difficult to think of taking the money. Something Jeruba said made me think that it’s really the one thing the person could do to try to make things right – for them. It’s too late for apologies and none of us feel like fighting.

I think under different circumstances, this would have made more sense to us – but since we’re still fighting to accept the loss, it’s just hard to deal with all the other stuff, sometimes.

Good for you, @cak. We are all such flawed creatures and constantly in need of forgiveness. You may have helped heal something after all.

Cak, I think you came up with a good compromise. The giver gets to give the gift and yet you really aren’t keeping it, because you are blessing someone else with the money.