Am I being selfish?

Selfish? No. If it’s something you’ve always wanted to do, you should do it. Especially if it’s having kids. If you don’t do it at some point in your life, you may not ever get the chance to.
Just see what she has to say, talk it out, and tell her your side of the story.
Hope it works out!

I wonder if she said that to the other two guys.

You can tell her how you feel. It’s only fair. I don’t think you’re selfish for wanting your own, that’s the imperative for most of us. If she’s really not looking to have another child, though, you may have to move on.

Donate your sperm. That way, it will be used, so there will be a next generation carrying your genes.

Not selfish at all. If you went forward thinking you could change her, or if you didn’t bring it up that would be selfish. What your doing is mature and right and understandable.

No, not at all – you are being honest. I think it’s a good thing that you want to be upfront and see how she really feels. Understand that she might say “maybe”, but that doesn’t mean yes. Just listen and understand her side, too.

Good luck.

I’m going to play devil’s advocate.

Yes, you are being selfish. Your feelings on this matter are entirely based around selfish motivations. You want to be the father of a biological child. Your desire is completely contrary to your friend’s desires.

That said, I think that anyone is justified in fulfilling his desires for selfish reasons as long as it doesn’t harm anyone else.

If it is important to you to have children that carry your genes, and if she is adamant about not having more children, then the two of you need to part ways.

Are you being selfish? Yes. Is she being selfish? Yes. Is it bad to be selfish? Not necessarily if being selfish harms no one but fulfills a deep-seated need or long-held desire.

Yay! Darwin and I agree!

Not at all. A relationship is a two-way street (God. Hoe cliché.) and you can’t disregard what you want from it. If you do that I would think it would ultimately poison things between you and her.
Good luck.

My husband and I have a yours, mine & ours thing going on. He has 3 kids (which he had custody of) I had one and three years after we were married we had one together. (All boys, how did I survive?) Most people think that you can never love a step-child as much as you do your own. I have to tell you that is not true! All of the kids are mine & I would do anything for them equally. Maybe that has something to do with her thinking that she does not want any more kids—that you will not care for them all the same.

My brother didn’t marry until his early 30’s. Before he met his wife-to-be, he was dating a single mother of 3, At first he didn’t think it was a big deal that she didn’t want more children but as time went by he realized he wanted to be a complete father and these children had had several men in there lives. They formed a closed relationship with their mother and he was always on the periphery.

@galileogirl that is a good point galileogirl.

My dad got remarried and, at 50, called me up to tell me he and his 43 year old wife were going to have a baby. That had and has implications for him, her daughter, me and my kids. His son is 26 years younger than his oldest 2 kids, 50 years younger than him. In the end he and his wife pushed and awful lot of “babysitting” on her daughter throughout jr. high and high school. He completely ignored my littlest sister. It was, in my book, selfish of them to do that. They also sort of put it upon us to be brothers and sisters again but at the age he was. It was hard to relate.

Not to say we don’t all love the guy completely. He’s a great kid. Read at a 6th grad level at the age of 3 and missed harvard sat entrance level results by 100 or so pts in 6th grade. But, he had a lot of odd living with that situation.

No, I don’t think you’re being selfish at all, you’re being logical. You don’t have children of your own yet and I think that you should be given that opportunity, too. The reason she says it is probably because she knows how much work kids are and everything but I’m sure that if she loves you, she’ll have a third child. As long as you’d treat three of them the same way it’s a big yes.

Selfish is moving forward in a relationship expecting the other person to change and becoming bitter when they do not.

No you are not being selfish. You are saving both her, her kids and you a lot of emotional pain by being frank and honest.

blood-lines aside (which ya it could be said it is selfish, or is not…)

it is pretty selfish for you to expect her to just pop out a baby just for you….

and…. what if it doesn’t work out. how is this woman going to feel about herself w/ 3 “baby daddies” i think you need to weigh her perspective about not having another kid very seriously. try some empathy. imagine yourself in her situation. the “unattached 29 yr old im dating wants me to get pregers for him! and then take care of his baby if he’s not around” hmmm

how would that kid feel if he/she ever found out that mom didn’t want to have him/her, but dad asks so she did…?

I wouldn’t say it’s selfish to want to have your own children, but you may be jumping the gun a little. Since you’re male, you have a much larger window in which you are able to be fertile. Women around this age are generally concerned because their bodies only have so long to successfully reproduce, and that window of opportunity closes before a man’s does. I would be cautious of rushing into things, presenting her with ultimatums, or assuming that the two of you are on a level already in which having a family is on the table (you did say you recently started dating…). You don’t want to freak her out or have her feel that she is just your incubator for a child that you want to have that she may not.

It’s not selfish. It’s respectable to know what you want in life.
You seem to want to treat this issue as a deal breaker if she does not agree to help make your baby. I support this. If this issue is important to you, then by all means it is not selfish to find a woman who is compatible with those dreams.

It’s bordering on selfish to remain with this woman after making your desires clear, if she says she does not want children and your desire for your own children continues to exist, because in this case you are wasting both you and the woman’s time in seeking out a compatible partnership. It’s completely selfish to begin to pressure her into agreeing with you or giving her an ultimatum to agree to having your children. However the tone of your message does not suggest you would do either of these things, in fact you sound like a reasonable levelheaded guy who knows what he wants. Kudos to you. Good luck in talking with her.

No, you’re not. it’s natural. Perhaps you should talk about it to her more, explain why. I think being a dad is special, so maybe you should let her know that?

If you are certain that you want your own biological kids and she is certain that she doesn’t want any more kids, either one of you needs to change his or her mind or the relationship needs to end.

If it’s a deal breaker, let her know sooner than later. It would only be selfish if you kept her around while looking for the girl who would mother your children.

ok, sorry but i gotta say it, and this might be upsetting to everyone that answered “not selfish.”

but anytime anyone wants to have kids it IS selfish (i will leave space for the occasional situation with unusual circumstances), but in general it is selfish to want or to make a baby.

the act of parenting, and being a good, loving parent that is pretty selfless (usually) but wanting kids in the first place is selfish. (some people earlier pointed out that being selfish is not always/necessarily a bad thing). but pretty much everything about wanting to have a baby, and making that baby is selfish.

if you disagree please explain to me how it is not selfish… ??????? (go on have at it!)

@alive – your argument about it being selfish is not too strong in my mind. It’s encoded in our being to reproduce. It’s our purpose. Saying it’s selfish seems to ignore the fact that reproducing really is what our, and every other animal’s, primary purpose is.

No!!! You are not being selfish everyone wants to become a parent in their lifetime and if she is not willing to fulfill your dreams just yet try to convince her. Maybe she is just afraid that history may repeat itself and she will be left heart broken with another child but I understand you wanting to be a father just let her know how strongly you feel about that!