How do I tell my husband I need a little vacation without hurting his feelings?

I suggest that you just approach is as a chance for you both to get some time. Every couple needs some time to themselves. It is natural. Do you have kids? If not there really shouldn’t be any problem. He should want to be there for you even if it means you needing to be somewhere else.

Bri_L is right. A little breathing time is healthy. Sometimes getting that much perspective on things at home—in a way that you can’t when you’re in them daily—helps you see new and better ways of dealing with them.

If he tries to make you feel bad for going, that is proof that you need to go.

No doubt he will feel threatened. You and your girlfriend are going to talk about him, he’ll think. (And you will—but lots of other things too!) Maybe you won’t come back. Maybe you’ll come back and ask for a divorce. Unless you think that’s going to happen, go ahead and reassure him that you just need to clear your mind and have a look at your whole life (not just him) from x miles away and try to see things more clearly. Its a matter of refreshing yourself, not of running away.

If you don’t need his permission, just go. If he makes you feel bad, you can stand it. You already do feel bad.

(@nocountry2, I am guessing that you haven’t been married more than a few years and that problems between you and your husband are the source of your stress at home. That’s the basis for my comments. If my guesses are wrong, then I should revise my advice.)

You tell him you love him, you love your life with him, and that’s not going to change. Everyone deserves a break from the norm and your friends are an important part of you and your sanity.

He should be happy for you and make you feel good about going. Jeruba is right though, if he tries to make you feel bad…all the more reason to go.

Happy wife=happy life. You do a lot for him and your family; wanting something for yourself is not a bad thing.

You may want to suggest he do something for himself a well. Then you can both come back together renewed and refreshed.

It concerns me slightly that you’ve told your work about the trip before you told your hubby. I know that for me, part of the stress would stem from keeping things from him. I agree that you need to see your friend, but you and your husband need to (at some point soon, not necessarily this week) have an honest talk about why you’re having troubles.

You’re right, @zephyr826, that’s a clue that something deeper is amiss. It was easier to being it up at work (where it’s not an emotional issue) than at home, and getting permission at work is an advance answer to an anticipated challenge: “What about your job?” Nocountry2 has some thinking to do, and she can’t do it at home. Even if she just goes to a Motel 6 in the next town for a couple of nights, it’ll help, but seeing a loving, supportive friend in another state and having a few laughs and remembering old times—and talking through some concerns—will do her a world of good.

Isn’t your husband on Fluther? I would personally talk to him first instead of having other jellies argue your case for you in a roundabout way.

Some feelings may be hurt initially, but I think he will understand that you need this and that it’s good for your relationship in the long run.

Good luck!

Yes, Nimis, he is, but he doesn’t really use it anymore. I am on here asking for help (not justification, as you suggest) in HOW to talk to him about it, because my methods in the past have not been effective, I am really stressed out, and I am looking for advice from other experienced married people.

@others – thank you for your insights. Yes we are newly married and communication is a big source of stress for me.

@nocountry2 Oh dear. I didn’t mean for that to come off that way. Not justification exactly, but kind of communicating for you. If I were having problems communicating with my husband, I personally wouldn’t like to find out via Fluther.

Though it’s a bit of a crux, since I think you should be able to go to this site for advice. Sigh.

I think most everyone’s advice will be the same though. Talk to him. Time apart is healthy. He may be hurt at first, but he’ll understand.

I’m sorry you’re going through this stressful time and can find some answers and solace from your friend.

My apologies if my first response came off poorly.

Perhaps one way is for you to broach the subject gently, and suggest some sort of equal time for him. Maybe he wants to go on a weekend trip with some buddies too. If it the issue is fairness (especially with respect to finances), then that might assuage his concerns. However, if the issue is more like “I need a break from you”, then obviously it won’t. I agree with everyone else that having a little private time is very useful in married life. No doubt he thinks the same thing, but hasn’t voiced it. Perhaps an open conversation and short (solo) vacation will actually be cathartic for both of you.

“Honey, we’ve both been under a lot of strain around here lately. I’ve been thinking that I need a chance to clear my thoughts a little bit. Daisy has asked me to come see her for a few days, and I think that would be a great chance for me to get a little space and regain some perspective. I’m sure it’d be good for you too. I’d like to go the week after next. I’ve already cleared it at work. We can discuss it if you like. Don’t worry, I love you and I plan on coming back.”

“Hey ____, my friend Jane needs a little girl time and wants me to come down for a visit so that we can catch up and do girl stuff. I miss her and maybe now’s a good time for me to take a winter break and recharge my batteries. Sometimes I find that I get stressed out and overwhelmed and just getting some perspective would be good for me. I think this will be great for both of us because you’ll get some time to do _____ and ______ and I’ll come back a little less frazzled. I love you and I’ll miss you terribly, but Jane really wants to see me and it would be good for both of us if I disconnect for a few days…cool?”

So, @nocountry2—four days later, any update?

Yes. Everything went down pretty much as I anticipated. I told him I wanted to go and found a way to pay for it, he got mad and told me it was a bad idea and extremely irresponsible, then came around and said he was okay with it, I bought my ticket and he got mad again, kept making little jabs until we had a really big fight about it in which he proceeded to tell me how I constantly make bad decisions and am selfish and just do whatever I want all the time and how he’s seeing this new side to me lately. Later he apologized and i was convinced I was an awful person for about two days.

I feel defeated and depressed. But I’m still going.

Sounds like you need it more than ever. Good for you for going ahead with it.

Yeah…thank you.

If you need this time off to rethink whether you are in the right relationship then that may be fairly evident to your significant other. He may sense that you could choose to leave him once you are far away from his presence. His fear is well founded if you feel that this is possible. If it is not possible then maybe you should say that to him in no uncertain terms and explain you need some female companionship to communicate and share with on occasion, after all she is your best friend. There are other dynamics at work here including the fact that he has to give up the comfort of your presence.