I'm dealing with a co-worker who's partner is emotionally abusive? Why are people emotionally abusive?

A better question might be, what is your coworker doing about it?

She confides in me about it. Tells me how hurtful her partner is (emotionally speaking), yet, chooses to stay in the relationship because she loves him and because she has low self-esteem.

It’s frustrating because if it were me, I’d leave the asshole in a heartbeat, and I tell her that and that no one deserves to be treated that way, but, she stays.

Just wondering why (the partner) has to be this way.

Most likely her partner feels/knows, on some level, that she is better than him and could probably find someone else in a heartbeat. Her partner probably has very low self-esteem himself and doesn’t want to lose her. Even knowing that he does things the wrong way, he won’t stop himself, because he thinks that with her low self-esteem, he can lash out at her, while knowing that she won’t leave because she loves him. It’s definitely a control game he plays, just to keep her in his life. If she ever decided to get up and walk away, he would probably show an unbelievable amount of love and kindness – so much that it would either match or even outdo the amount of abuse he’s shown, which would only verify her feelings of being in love with him and thinking that he actually loves her.

He might, on some level, actually love her in his own twisted way. But individuals like that are so screwed up that they have no idea what it means to truly love someone, which is why they believe in the first place that they have to manipulate people to keep them in their lives.

Because they have their own issues.

I think the emotional abuser is either a) insecure or b) one of those people who preys on people weaker than himself/herself for some kind of power trip.

I’m glad to see that you are taking the time to remind your coworker that she is worth so much more than that sort of treatment! Help her build her self-esteem back up. I just hate when girls (and sometimes guys) let themselves be abused because they don’t think they’re worth being treated any better.

I would hazard a guess that her father was abusive (in some form or another) as well. It tends to work out that way. If that’s true then she may as well stay with her b/f because she’s gonna find another one just like him until she deals with her daddy issues. At least the guy she has isn’t physically abusive, as the next one could be.

Just my observation. Grain of salt and all that.