Where did my happiness go?

Maybe you can help us understand why your relationship has tanked. What about is just so unhealthy?

At one point in my life I decided that I was perfectly happy on my own. I bought a small house, joined a number of clubs, had many hobbies, and basically set out to enjoy life.

At the age of 35 I was introduced to someone by a friend, starting off the relationship with an argument. I thought little of it at the time because her other introductions had gone equally well (yeah) with no follow up.

Now the two of us have been married for 20 years.

Here’s my theory: “The grass is always greener…”
When we’re in a relationship, we focus on what we’ve given up in terms of not being accountable to someone else, and so on; but when we’re single, we focus on what we’ve lost, the companionship and the sense of validation that someone is thinking of you.

My way of dealing with that is to focus on the positives of the situation I am in… so I am currently single, and getting out and meeting new peopl and doing whatever the heck I feel like doing (anyone for a Fluther Meetup in Philly??). And while I was in a relationship, I focused on how nice it was to have someone to spend the time with and that I didn’t have to explain my jokes to and so on.

ok…well basically…he’s going through a divorce as some of you may or may not know from previous questions. He still lives with her. But is planning (...) on moving out…asap.

It’s so complicated guys and i don’t want to bore you with the details. I love him but don’t trust him and when we’ve split up previously (three times in the last 9 months because i just can’t handle him living there…because I just can’t handle relationships maybe, because he told me that i was everything he wanted but still didn’t want to make me happy) he has gone back to her and they have tried to make it work – for the kids. and them i guess too really.

But I’ve been in two abusive relationships and still having counselling to get over all that and some serious mounts of bullying that i’ve gone through in my life.

I’m not sure being a in a relationship…let a lone a complicated one is doing me any good at all. And therefore wondered whether there are some people that have come to terms with the fact that they are just not relationship people…

I don’t know

And as @peyton_farquhar says, we might be able to offer a bit more insight regarding the self-sabotage thing if you provide more details.

Here’s one related question.

Like Darwin, I had resigned myself to the fact that I was meant to be on my own. I was perfectly ok with that, and then WHAM the perfect guy fell into my lap. I think it is a matter of being truly ok with where you are, and not always looking forward to the next relationship / next period of singlehood.

@lynneblundell Based on all that information, I think you need to be alone for a while. Work on healing yourself and accepting, even loving yourself. Once you are okay, then is the time to start a relationship. Not one minute before.

OK… thanks for the details (we posted at the same time)

My most recent relationship had some similarities, and I will suggest that it is way too soon for him to offer you the devotion that you need, and it sounds like it is too soon in your own personal growth to be able to fully trust.
I don’t think it’s self-sabotage, I think your gut is telling you that now is not the right time.

As a survivor of childhood abuse and a couple really dysfunctional relationships, I suggest that you forego the idea of a relationship at this point and continue fostering a relationship with yourself. That is what I chose to do following the end of my second seriously dysfunctional relationship. After a couple of years, I had developed a better sense of confidence and dignity, and while I made mistakes in my most recent attempt at a relationship, I handled the adversity Sooooo much better than I had in the past. And while I am upset and hurt that it didn’t work out, I am far from distraught.

I will try to find some time to look through your previous questions to see if there’s anything other advice I can offer you. Feel free to PM me if you’d like.
Hang in there. :-)

Whoa whoa! I’ve been in a situation like this, and all I can tell you is GET OUT NOW. No matter how explosively wonderful the two of you are, it is not worth the pain and heartache. Why? Cause he can’t devote himself to you. And he refuses to. If he really wanted you for sure, then he would do something to make that happen. He’s already tried to go back to her as well? Does she know about you two?

If you really want to make it work, then you have to wait until he is away from her. Otherwise it is just going to cause tons of heartache for you and you don’t even know if he’ll stay with you, to make all that pain worth it.

You are worth way more than to let this guy string you along while he does whatever he wants to. I bet he’s told you “Don’t worry” lots of times. That is to make himself feel better cause he thinks he is doing nothing wrong. I also bet you’ve come to him with “please leave that house” or “stay in contact with me so I know whats up” but instead he stays there and will even not call or let you know whats going on for long periods of time.

You are worth more than this struggle. It’s not you, it’s the situation you have let yourself fall into. Single is where you should be to find yourself and your own self value again.

I would like to second @hearkat and @augustlan‘s advice. What you may most need at this point is to distance yourself from this relationship and get back onto level footing with yourself. You said that you love this person, but do not trust him? Then step back, breathe, and evaluate the situation from an outsider’s perspective. It may be likely that you do not trust him because he is not trustworthy. If that is the case, then let him go.

One rule I have always followed is never, ever date someone who is not single. They might be divorced, widowed, or never married, but only a single person can really devote time and energy to developing a relationship.

Make sure he knows how to contact you if he wants when and if he is finally really divorced, but you need to get on about building a fulfilling life on your own without necessarily “waiting” for something that might not happen.

Always remember:

“A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle” (Irina Dunn (1970), who read it on a bathroom wall in Australia)

“Happiness belongs to the self-sufficient” (Aristotle)

http://www.fluther.com/disc/35562/if-you-were-going-through-a-divorce-would-you-keep-a/

thank you all x you’ve brought me to tears…which is a good thing!

If you were madly in love with the other half, I truly don’t believe you’d be miserable. I’d honestly be so much more happier in a relationship seeing as I’m so fucking alone right now, haha. But that’s besides the point.

There aren’t things I can’t handle in relationships- you have to work through the stuff that’s not easy for you, or both of you. That’s what makes it a relationship.

I haven’t resigned myself to being alone because it makes me happier. I’ve resigned myself to being alone because I refuse to settle for something I know isn’t my quintessential relationship which brings us back to me feeling so alone. But you have to do what you have to do I guess. You can be happy single and for you, I think that’s what YOU need right now is what it’s sounding like from what you’re saying- seems like being in a relationship is hindering you more than helping and that is a terrible thing, for both of you.

I have lost a sense of self while with a boyfriend, it happens if you become really close- just like with any close relationship. You just have to find a way to ground yourself and try your best so it doesn’t happen. Do things on your own sometimes, especially the things/activities that you feel make you YOU. Make sure you get an ample amount of alone time and time with friends along with spending time witcha’ boo. It’s when you stop coming back to your core that you get caught up and lose yourself in someone else.

If your relationship is one) far from healthy and two) “probably why” you’re miserable.. then you should not be in it, this person is obviously not the person you should be with. It could be a self-sabotaging thing. I’m good at that too. Ruining anything that could be good for you, just ‘cause you can.

I think you have a lot of thinking to do and self-analyzing. Maybe asking your question on Fluther is a good place to start. I hope you get somewhere with it and find out how to be happy or get back to yourself. Good luck.

@augustlan – I didn’t resign myself to anything. I simply decided not to base my happiness on someone who might or might not enter my life.

We all die too soon. We need to enjoy something about each and every day, no matter where we are or who we are or are not with.

@Darwin ‘Resign’ was a poor choice of words. I just meant I was ok with being alone, even if that meant forever.

@lynneblundell: what @z28proximo and @Darwin said. This guy says he’s going to divorce here, but he may just be feeding you a line. He wants his love on the side, and to stay with his family. He will string you along as long as he can. I doubt he’s even mentioned divorce to his wife, except as a kind of threat.

He and his wife have problems. They are not able to communicate their love for each other, so they think they don’t like each other any more. You have shown him he’s still lovable and attractive. You probably felt like you really needed a partner. When he came along, you were willing to believe his story, because it let you do what you probably thought was not a good thing to do.

I don’t think this is good for you. I’m sure you need a relationship, but not with this guy. Other people say you need to get yourself together by being alone for a while before you try another relationship. This can work, if you learn your strength while you are alone. If you remain needy and don’t learn how to be alone, then I’m not sure the exercise will work.

I think the best thing to do is to be yourself, with your values, and no compromises. Just be who you are. Someone will come along who really appreciates you, or they won’t. But don’t be changing yourself to appeal to someone else. That dog don’t hunt.

Your situation sounds really painful, and I am sorry you are going through it. I agree that this is not a good situation, and you should get out of it. Even if he wanted to devote himself to you, he can’t. He has unfinished emotional business.

What I think you need to consider is that it is not being in a relationship vs. being on your own causing your misery, but perhaps it is who you have been in relationship with?

You seem from your question to be a thoughtful, smart person. If it was me, I would look at the issue of why I was picking emotionally unavailable guys (emotionally abusive, still involved with ex-wives). Looking from the outside, based on the information you have given, that is the pattern that jumps out a me.

Good luck. Relationships do not have to cause misery, and you deserve better/

Only you can figure out why. Is that what was modeled at home when you were a kid? Was your dad emotionally unavailable or abusive to you?

Figuring out our unconscious patterns is hard work. You may want to talk with a therapist to help you work through what is going on for you. Then make conscious choices and changes before you begin another relationship.

@daloon I understand your scepticism. They are getting divorced, I don’t really doubt that. she knows all about me..she is also having an affair with another man. I’ve listened to him over the past nine months as to what’s happening with the divorce proceedings…someone would really really have to be very clever, evil and manipulative to pull the wool over my eyes that much…that’s a LONG con! And i don’t believe that of him.(Although i could be wrong..i’ll never say i’m infallible)

Nevertheless he still has all the emotional baggage and i also know that she’s ending it with her lover and wants to try again with her husband… He has told her this is NOT going to happen and that he is going to move out asap…But I think you are all hitting the nail on the head. This just isn’t right for me right now. Enough pain already.

@lynneblundell I’m actually of the opinion that if you really are madly in love with him (although you don’t sound too certain of that) and you are certain he is getting divorced (and you don’t sound too sure of that either) then you shouldn’t be too quick to run away. Surely a great bond can be formed during times of great stress?

Having said all that. If you really aren’t sure of the above then its certainly not self sabotage to want to step back and away from it. If he really wants you that badly he will come back to you once he is in a better position to provide the support and love you need.

@lynneblundell: Ick! It’s hard to know who he really is because you see him under such a stressful situation. They’ve both hurt each other badly, and I’m sure they need support from the outside in this.

How has he been treating you? What is it that you don’t like about his behavior? How often do you or have you been seeing him? What is his relationship to your child? Also, what is it that you liked about him?

One wise person once said “Don’t go looking for love because it will find you.” You have to decide whether this is right for you right now. :) Good luck

Actually I took your happiness and you can’t have it back. haha

out of the window.. just like mine