How do adult children of alcoholics learn what's socially expected?

We learn from Family Ties and Charles in Charge. That’s how I learned about normal family life when I was a kid.

My husbands father is an alcoholic, and it ultimately caused the demise of his parents marriage. He never really talks about it to me, I don’t think it had a major impact on him.
But, even though his family had sit down dinners every single night, and my family ate in front of the tv, my family is much closer.
He loves my parents, and he has even said he wishes he had what I had when growing up. He insists on sit down dinners with my parents…just last night we went over and cooked them dinner. My parents really appreciate it, and love him. They know he had a rough relationship with his father, and he and my father have a strong bond.

If this is an ongoing problem for you. I would suggest a support group there are different ones for adult children of alcoholics and Al-Anon groups. I’m really sorry that you have to deal with the negative consequences of your parents actions, however, you should be proud of yourself for being mature enough and wise enough to recogonize that you have real issues from it.

I am so sorry you had to endure that growing up. No child should. I remember what an epiphany it was to me when I found out that most children were not afraid of their fathers! (I was a teenager then.)

I did not have your problem of not picking up social cues, because we moved so much as a child that I became like a chameleon. I needed to absorb the culture really fast to blend in. The good side of that is that I am very adaptable. The bad side is that I am hypervigilant and never feel quite safe most of the time.

Can you provide a specific example of the type of cue that you miss?

I am guessing that you are possibly being hypercritical of your own performance in this area too. Please be gentle with yourself. My husband and I both found this book useful at one point in our lives.

My alcoholic dad bought a bar. So, growing up in a tavern, I could actually witness people’s “real” social lives with my own eyes. not everyone in a bar is drunk…who knew ;)

Anyway, I taught myself, and had a grandfather that helped me realize that I was normal, but my dad was not.

You’ll probably need to start telling yourself you are okay. I know this sounds silly/crazy, but it works.

as @Marina asked, can you let us have a few more details to assist you further?

@Marina – Holy cats, I need that book, as person who grew up with a mentally ill and very angry person as a guardian. Over the years I’ve come to learn that almost everything she told me was wrong, and I’ve had to learn things at a very late date.

@laureth – I have the book you’ve linked as well. I’m not sure I can do any more than commiserate with you, but I think if you know you’ve got stuff to learn, that’s half the battle won right there. Also, everyone picks up on everything socially, even if they’re from the nicest homes in the world, so don’t worry. We’re all negotiating our idiosyncrasies to where others can feel a little more comfortable with each other.

@marissa – Thanks for the “look for a group” idea. I did go to a couple Al-Anon groups as a teen, but it was hard to hide that from Mom (and I would have been in deep trouble if she found out) so I had to stop. Sometimes I forget that I’m all grown up now and can do things like that now if I want.

@Marina – Cues I miss are usually the kind that people who haven’t been raised by wolves ;) pick up on easily. These are things like when a conversation is over, or how to start a conversation, or the fact that some questions are rhetorical and don’t need answers (so I don’t have to answer all questions placed to me, nor do I need to be surprised when people gloss over ones I ask in real life). I have trouble knowing when people are lying or being genuine, with the added side effect of “if they’re saying nice things, they’re probably lying.” Also I have trouble maintaining eye contact. The real kicker is how I often flinch when someone raises a hand, expecting a smack – even if it’s my husband reaching out for a hug. Yeah, that sux. Also, thanks for the book link; I put it on the ol’ wish list for the next time I get books.

@SpatzieLover – The “I’m Okay” thing is a help sometimes. I do need to remember that even though I’m a little askew, I did end up making better choices than Mom did. I probably am okay. Just wish I were better than I am, sometimes.

@aprilsimnel – The thing is, when people are busy picking up cues in childhood (the right time to be learning them), I was not only missing them, but learning totally different cues that helped me adapt to my situation. Those were helpful then (like learning to recognize “anger” on someone’s face like an expert), but don’t serve me now (such as interpreting a look as “anger” when it isn’t). I have to un-learn and re-learn things that people my age (adult, mid-30s) have long taken for granted. We do all pick them up eventually, I’m sure, but for me it’s been like “human as a second language.” I know what you mean, though, about “everything she told me was wrong.” I keep finding wrong things in the oddest places.

@everyone – thanks for saying stuff. :)

what’s socially expected? On our own we dont know, we should be with others that were not in our situation and learn from them

You will learn as you go along. Both my parents had issues with alcohol.

@laureth – I meant to say everyone flubs on picking up stuff from other people at some point or another, and that I think you’ll be OK. Every family has its own “language” to express things that would be foreign to people outside of it.

There. That’s what I meant to say. My mind goes too fast for my fingers sometimes. I’m sorry.

No problem! I have the same trouble sometimes.

I come from an alcoholic mother. I am only 18 right now, but I honestly think the effects of living in an alcoholic home have had pros and cons for me. It sounds weird to say it has had positive effects on me but its true. I went through a lot of hell with my mother, but it always made me think about how I never wanted to be that kind of person. It also created awareness in my life, I learned to grow up a lot quicker than most people my age. I was always used to being the adult, whenever my mother went back to alcohol. For me my hardships in life made me a better and stronger person. There was a time however that I did suffer from some abnormalities. I was rebellious, I made some mistakes in my life. But no matter what I did for some reason, I always had the mind set to get out of a bad situation. I have never had any problem adapting to the real world. I can interact with people just fine. I go through life with a clear head, and my mother who is now over 2 years sober is also much better. She is probably the one who has gone through the most change and adaptation. Think about it, she had lived in a world revolved around her and alcohol. My mother as herself is a beautiful person, but when masked over my alcohol she can be so lost. But over these past few years she has made it through. She has become a stronger and better person, and that makes me want to continue the path that I am going as well. I feel my experiences have prepared me for the real world, and that I will have a somewhat better understanding of things in life than others who came from more fortunate families. I will also continue to spread awareness of alcoholism and its effects. I know not all kids who have come from alcoholic families will be as well off as I am, and that they will need guidance and others to help them along the way.

GA, Trance. I know what you mean, in a lot of ways.

My father was an abusive (toward my mother) alcoholic. When my mom finally divorced him when I was seven, she got custody of my sister and I, but she then became a drug addict and abandoned my sister and I. Went to live with dad, who was still drinking.

I’m pretty screwed up emotionally, in a lot of ways. I’ve recognized this fact since I’ve been young and I struggle all the time to overcome certain things. It’s extremely difficult for me to trust anyone and I’m very rarely emotionally open, even to those I love. It’s a very strange thing to be empathetic to the degree I am (more than normal), but to not ever share with anyone the depth of what I feel and why I feel it.

There’s a book my therapist recommended for me simply called “Adult Children of Alcoholics”. I read it, and it did help me to understand some of my symptoms. Might want to check it out. You could maybe check out Al Anon meetings, most likely there would be some people in there that can relate to you. Good luck