Should I ask him what he wants?

End it. He’s married and you don’t do married men. If you share your heart honestly, I would bet that he would say some line along “well I love you and I’ll leave my wife for you”, which will never ever happen. Actions speak louder than words, and words are cheap. I highly recommend you abandon any romantic relationship and keep your interactions solely friendship-wise. You can certainly be a friend to someone who’s married, I would imagine.

As Monty Python once said, “Run away, run away!” This is not good for you.

He is married. If he is interested that makes him a cheat and a sleaze. Why would you want him?

Even if he’s wanting only friendship, it is not good for you. If you are focused on him and this non-relationship, then you are not open to other relationships with available guys that might be out there waiting for you.

If he knew you and still got married, then he is into her.
Find someone new.

I was thinking the same thing. He is a very good guy, and we have been very close, not intimate but breaking off the friendship is not easy because we do care alot about one another. We talk about everything and anything, and I have never met someone like that not even my ex, but you are probably right.

You can stay as a friend with this person. There’s no immediate need to break off the friendship unless you perceive he’s trying to get at something more, or maybe you perceive yourself wanting more than what you already have. Adults can be friends without having sexual tension around, you know :)

@ fireside, well we had only met 2 months prior, and never met in person. He lived in another country. We never thought we would ever meet. I got accepted into a school I had applied prior to us meeting and that is how I ended up here.
@ well that is it, the feelings are strong on both sides, we have backed off a lot.

@dynamicduo – No, she’s too into him. It will become difficult.
She is already wondering how to ask him if he wants to leave his wife.

Time to move on.

@cyd – it’s a tough situation for sure. But it sounds like you both know the right thing to do.

No, I would never ask anyone to leave his wife….. that is awful. I just thought maybe asking him what does he expect from me. Like I said we have been very close for so long, he is like my best friend.

He has no right to “expect” anything from you, nor you of him. He is married. Maybe he could expect you to join he & his wife for lunch one day. If he is married, and yet values your friendship, there are no questions to be asked. You are friends, nothing more, and his wife should be aware and approving of your relationship. Put yourself in her shoes.

@fireside – I didn’t say it would be easy, but it’s certainly possible. I’ve been friends with men who I’ve found sexually attractive and desirable without us ending up in bed together.

@cyd – I would not ask him what he expects of you. There’s no need for that. You should show him what you expect of him by means of your actions. Cease any flirting, if any discussions start getting hot and heavy steer them back on track. Actions speak louder than words, and what we say is sometimes not what we actually want. So decide in your mind what your relationship is, and make your actions conform to that image. If the guy comments on you being a bit more distant, by all means tell him honestly what you felt and what your current actions are.

@ by the bay….love your answer. Thanks. Your so right. Thanks

@cyd: Your welcome – at this point it’s all about respect, your self respect being paramount and second only to respect for his marital status.

Yes, exactly. and I think that is why we get a long so well and our friendship has lasted. Because I respect myself and therefore he has no choice to respect me. :0)

@ dynamic duo, great answer…thanks

@cyd: Good luck to you.

Thanks, I will continue to be strong, but confused….isn’t that what life is all about? I think I would question myself more if I gave into my own insecurities.

I wonder how far the relationship went. Like did you telephone or skype each other? Video phone? Erotic messages or conversations? If so, has he been doing this since he was married? Did he tell you he got married at the time he got married, or did he keep his relationship with her secret until he had to tell you?

If you’ve been virtually intimate, then I think it’ll be hard to convert to a friendship. It is possible. I have done it. However, it is difficult. You will probably need another intimate relationship, or else you will constantly be thinking about what you wish could be with him.

Another thing is that I don’t think one physical meeting is enough to confirm an impression from virtual contact. The connection may be strong in the first meeting, but that doesn’t tell you it will stay that way if you are together for a longer period of time in ordinary life (not a vacation).

It sounds like you know what you want to do, but are just looking for confirmation. It sounds like you believe this is not a good situation for you. All I can say is that if you think that, you have to go with it. Listen to yourself, as far as feelings go.

Does his wife know about you? How does she feel about it? If he hasn’t told her about you, I’d be worried about his intent. Unless you are also friends with his wife or at least have spoken with her and know that she’s cool with it, you need to do the right thing and back off. If he was interested in you for more than an affair or friendship, he wouldn’t have married her. He made his choice and unfortunately you have to live with it.

He’s married = you’re done.

I don’t know the details of your relationship, so here’s my two cents:

First cent:
He’s married. He probably loves his wife, or at least that’s what we should all be hoping for. He is not going to leave her for you, and you shouldn’t even try to tempt him to do something like that. He is probably still talking to you because he sees you as a friend. If you can be his friend, then there’s nothing wrong with that. But it seems you can’t, so you should at least distance yourself. I don’t mean sever all ties, but perhaps send the odd Christmas card rather than hours of daily chatting.

Second cent:
I’ve been there. I met this girl online when the internet was first invented. She was still at school at the time. Many years have passed since then, and I only met her once in 1998. We connected really well, for a while I thought she might even be my soulmate. Due to some misunderstanding, I was under the assumption that she was madly in love with me, but at that time it was impossible for us to be together. We stayed friends and in 2003 we met again, and finally kissed. I had to leave the next day, but wanted to go back to her as soon as possible and make things work, maybe move close, see if we could finally have a relationship. A few days later my dad had a heart attack and all my plans crumbled. Soon after that she went back to her ex and is still with him to this day. I got married the following year, but still contacted her every now and then (not very often though). I had a horrible marriage and eventually got divorced. We started talking again a few months ago, but again, not as often as we used to. She’ll probably marry the other guy, and I’m happy for her. But we have both often thought of how our lives might have been different had that kiss led to something more…

So if this man is really your soulmate, nothing should stand in your way. But perhaps he is happily married and all he wants from you is friendship. And perhaps if you do get him in the end, it won’t be as nice as you dream of.

If he wasn’t married two years ago, and he’s married now, he’s relatively newly married. He’s newly married and wants to rekindle a relationship with someone he met online two years ago.

My vote is “C”. Befriend his wife. You all must have a lot common, since he’s attracted to both of you, and she deserves to know what he’s up to.

You all are very funny. Good advice I might add.
@ daloon, we started chatting, and talking on the phone before he got married. He did tell me about him getting married, he hasn’t hid anything about that. We stopped talking for a few months, then started back up, this became the time we became very close. Intimate No, I don’t do cyber stuff, a lot of flirting and things but no intimacy. Put it this way, I am very intuitive, and I do sense that he is a good guy. Good family man. We agreed to meet only because, I am not from his country and I was leaving and did not know if I was coming back. You know one of those things where you don’t want to live with any regrets, as always we had a great time, talking and laughing. We have some sort of spiritual connection, I can feel when he is having a bad day, and he can feel when I am too. We always here from each other text or something, with the message of I know your having a trying day…Stay focused or something of the sort. Lately we don’t talk much, but we still are friends. We will always be friends. He has brought so much laughter in my life, when I needed it the most. I just got out of a 15 year marriage when he came into my life. I am on a spiritual journey finding myself. And at a time when I was very negative about men, he came into my life. Not through a chat line or anything that, it was just a fluk, we met through a business website. For some reason I was drawn to him like I knew him before. That never happens to me. But I am not sure-reason, season, or a lifetime, I know you heard of that. But I do know, he appears to be everything I would look for in a man, except for the fact he is married. I am not looking for anything, I figure when the time comes that right someone will come, with no strings attached. I do agree meeting one time is not enough to know for sure, but we both agreed that we should not meet again. I got confused at one point, not sure of what he wanted from me. But to me the most important thing is what I want for myself and my child. I know his wife is younger than he, and very jealous, even of his first two children’s mother. So, not sure if she knows about me, and I know I don’t want to create chaos in no ones family. We have talked about his relationship with his wife, prior to them getting married, and there were a lot of hostility, but you know you must go through it for yourself, and ride the waves and hope that it works. I hope they are happy, really. Everyone deserves that.