If your daughter was insecure with an aspect of her appearance, something easily fixed, do you think telling her there's something she can do about it would make her feel more insecure?

If you can afford it, why don’t you suggest a spa day type thing for her as an adultish treat. Get her hair done, her nails done, and—as part of the day, only if she wants—her eyebrows cleaned up a bit. When you take her, talk to the ladies to make sure they know you only want them cleaned up and maybe for them to show her what to do.

If you can’t afford a day out, suggest the same thing. But at home. Facials, nails, eyebrows. Um, maybe not a haircut, but you know, the other stuff.

Why not bring her into the bathroom when you’re taking care of your eyebrows to show her how you do it? Of course, only do this if she’s interested in learning. Even if you get yours done at a salon, I’m sure you know how to pluck out a stray hair, so by showing her that it doesn’t hurt a lot you may instill confidence into her.

@EmpressPixie I do her hair myself (I am a stylist). I could wax her but I think she would behave better for a stranger. Usually preteens don’t want to look like babies to other people. She would totally go all drama queen if I did it myself.
@dynamicduo she watches me all the time, believe it or not I’ve never been waxed, I love doing my own plucking and shaping. It relaxes me.

Can you get a number of girls/women in her environment who have had it done to tell her it’s not so bad?

Do YOU think it really needs to be done? If YOU don’t, then wait until SHE is willing. When she wants it enough, she’ll go.

Haha yeah she needs it. I just don’t want to keep mentioning it because it will hurt her feelings. I’ve told her it only hurts for a quick second, I don’t want to lie as from what I’ve seen it isn’t completely painless.

What will hurt more? The procedure or other kids making comments to her about her eyebrows? That’s the deciding question I think.

Be straight with her, tell her you know it bothers her and make her an appt to get it done. She’ll thank you later, plus she’ll feel very grown up having it done. Take her for lunch or ice cream afterward to make a fun time of it. I’ve got a 12 y/o daughter and many of her friends get their brows cleaned up for the same reasons you mentioned.

Hmm, I guess I’d take her to a salon that you trust to do it, and maybe get a mani/pedi together, then both get your eyebrows waxed?? I think that might work.

I agree. Make it a mother/daughter date. If she’s used to you doing her hair, it’ll be a special treat to go out and get it done together. Tell her you want to have a mother/daughter makeover day. Go to the salon and get your hair and eyebrows done together. Tell her you’re getting your eyebrows done and invite her to do it too.

If she says no, let her be. She’s still a kid, unless she has a unibrow don’t make her grow before she’s ready.

I agree with no making her grow up too soon, but by all means address it before she gets to middle school (if it’s as bad as you say). If you wait too long, it will be more noticeable to the “mean girls” that she’s had it done, and that give them food for their feast.

“Look Sasquatch those eyebrows need to go or Fatty and 4 Eyes over there are gonna start a shit storm”

I think I will make a pedi appointment for us, and maybe have her watch someone else get an eyebrow waxing. Maybe seeing it will relax her.

@elijahsuicide: You’re a caring Mom, she’s a lucky girl.

She’s ten.
This shouldn’t even be an issue. When she’s thirteen, I’d take her, but ten? Really?

Honestly, just get it done the summer before she hits 7th or 8th grade. She is way too young.

And while it might not be welcome to say, when I see young children who have obviously had some cleaning up or shaping of their brows no matter how inconspicuous they might think it is, my first instinct is to judge the parent.

Maybe, instead of protecting her from mean girls who will judge her based on her appearance which essentially teaches her to conform you could teach her the more valuable lesson of accepting herself for who she is. I’m not saying you don’t do that in other ways, but this seems like too much too young to me.

Meh, I’m done. :)

Brave choice asmonet, and easy to say until you see your little girl being teased. I probably subscribed to your philosophy on more issues than not when raising my kids. My kids might even say to many as they were teased when I let them choose their own wardrobe a time or two.
In reality, when raising kids you end up balancing those “life lesson” moments with the things that help you survive in a sometimes cruel world. Only Mom and daughter can decide which kind of moment this is for them.

It does seem really young, but as someone who as wicked-stubborn eyebrows, and who spent much of late elementary school (5th and 6th grade) with giant bangs to hide them, I understand your daughter’s concern. I think the key, if you’re going to get them waxed, is to have it done naturally. The last time I got mine waxed, a little girl (8 or 9) was in the other chair and her mom was critiquing it. When the girl sat up she had Barbie eyebrows. It was really creepy.
Moderation in all things.

I’m sure that’s why @elijahsuicide said she only wanted to clean them up a bit, not style them.

@Judi: While I agree with everything you said on this particular issue I’m more inclined to be against it based on personal experience. I didn’t pluck mine with any regularity until I was thirteen or so, before that I was teased for not being girly enough, once I did it I was teased by the same people for being prissy. I did it because I liked how it looked. Not because of what they said. Having been teased for both sides, I just think it’s ridiculous. She’s a kid, let her be one. People get teased for anything, if one thing goes away, another can take it’s place.

She won’t be teased for her eyebrows, she’ll be teased because kids can be cruel.

Now, considering that, I would opt for the lesson that promotes character, as opposed to one that would seem to emphasize shallow behaviors. Personally, I think that’s the kind of thing you need to ‘survive in a cruel world’.

It’s not shallow to want to look your best.
It really bothers me when people who care what they look like are looked down upon by people who are too “smart” to deal with something so “frivolous” as fashion. Some people care how they present themselves to the world. It doesn’t mean because you are pretty that you are also dumb. I believe you can be both. She gets almost all A’s, is a cheerleader and likes fashion.
Lessons in character do not conflict with lessons in beauty.

That wasn’t my point at all.

@asmonet “I would opt for the lesson that promotes character, as opposed to one that would seem to emphasize shallow behaviors” sounds like that’s exactly what you said.
I’m sorry if this comes off defensive, but I’ve dealt with girls all my life who treat me like shit because I’m pretty. I’m not going to “ugly down” in order to be respected by the girls who think fashion is stupid, and neither is my daughter. I teach her to be friends with people because of who they are, not their style. That means whether they care about fashion or not.

Different families have different value systems. It would make sense that someone who works in the beauty and fashion industry (like elijahsuicide ) would have a family value system that would honor the image you project. Hippies like asmonet and I tend to value nature and will go to battle over principal. It doesn’t make one better than the other, just different.

One that would seem.
It depends on how those lessons are given. You’re the mother, and your experience with your daughter is the most important. I was speaking generally. I can see you’ve had issues in the past with being judged, and I think that caused you to react emotionally first.

I did not mention intelligence, you did. I’m not sure what that was in response too but for the record I do not think character, intelligence or beauty are mutually exclusive.

All people care about their appearance to a degree. The way you phrased that sentence makes me think you’re just as judgmental in the direction of those who judge you as they are. Which is natural, if they’ve caused you grief. You’re right it does come off as defensive.

I don’t have a problem with girls plucking eyebrows, experimenting with makeup and so on as long as it’s at an appropriate age. ALL beauty and fashion related endeavors are shallow, because it deals exclusively with the exterior. Sorry, but that’s just a fact. Looking your best does not necessarily mean the same thing as conforming to beauty standards of your culture. She can look her best, be intelligent and be a great kid. I’m sorry but I really just think you’ve got a bit of a grudge against people who don’t care about fashion or makeup. I may be wrong, but that’s how it came off to me. Feel free to correct me, I don’t have a reliable internet connection at the moment so I can’t go back and edit as much as I’d like, if it came off as aggressive, that wasn’t my intention.

@Judi: I agree. Very wise. :)

But I’m not choosing one over the other. I teach her that being smart and strong are just as important. I don’t put the value of being pretty over the value of who she is as a person. I just want her to be happy and if she is unhappy about how she looks then I want her to know that it’s ok to care.

Then that’s all you have to say, like I said, I meant my comments generally not necessarily to be commentary on your particular method of parenting. Maybe two weeks before school starts every year you can offer to bring her along to ‘get your eyebrows done’. You don’t have to really do it, but if she’s too embarrassed to ask as she ages giving her that option every few months or once a year will give her the opportunity to jump on. I imagine the pain won’t be that big of an issue as she gets older. Teens don’t really care about pain for the trade-off of pretty as much as kids do. That right there was the biggest indicator to me she wasn’t ready. Which was part of the reason I said what I did instead of wandering on to the next question.

I have many friends who don’t care about their physical appearance. I’m not saying that people that don’t care are bad. I’m saying it’s bad to judge someone on looks, whatever direction they choose. Some girls get picked on for being ugly and some girls get picked on for being pretty. I dont agree with it either way.

I wonder how those friends would feel about that sentence.
I’m sure they care, even if it isn’t to your standards and you don’t recognize it.

That just sounded mean spirited.

They don’t care to the extent that I do, you know exactly what I meant. I wasn’t being mean.

@elijahsuicide ; I hope you don’t think I’m accusing you of that. I am just saying that when my kids were at home I sometimes made them “martyr” on principal more than a lot of other parents might have (probably more than if I had it to do over.) Some of those principals, like, “You don’t need a cell phone just because everyone else in High School has one,” were obviously values other parents didn’t choose. I could have afforded cell phones for my kids, but I stood by this value. For asmonet, it is more important for her child to learn to accept herself the way she is, for you you don’t want to fight that battle. Families have every right to differ on these things. You think it’s alright to intervene with waxing at 10 she wouldn’t. I pierced my daughters ears as a baby and recently read a thread that would have accused me of child abuse!
Differences are OK and I support you in how ever you choose to help your daughter. If you think this is hard, wait until she starts dating!!

Actually, I took the sentence at face value. Your second post clarified your meaning.

@Judi yeah I don’t look forward to the dating. The reason I get defensive is because I’m always hearing stories about how the mean girls are the pretty ones. That’s not always true. Sometimes pretty girls get shunned by other girls just because they are pretty. I’m just saying that caring about your appearence doesn’t mean you are changing yourself on the inside.
Sorry guys I don’t want to fight about it I just want my daughter to not feel bad about wanting to be herself. If being pretty makes her feel good then I’m all for it.

And I agree with that point elijahsuicide, I was merely pointing at the potential bigger issue of repeated exposure to that value system teaching a child that being pretty is necessary. I am not saying that this will happen with your child, just that my experiences have led me to believe it’s more likely. I think putting any emphasis on the external characteristics of people at an early age can lead to attitudes towards any type. Attitudes toward the ‘pretty’ and to the ‘ugly’. By concentrating on the internal, and acceptance of the self I think it lays the foundation for disregarding the external, without eliminating the capacity to appreciate it. So, love the insides, have fun with the outsides but it isn’t that important – is my opinion basically. I don’t know you or your child, and have no judgments for either of you you obviously care for her and she sounds like a great girl.

So to answer the original question, if she were my daughter I would not allow it without talking to her first, and probably at the earliest at twelve unless it was causing her considerable stress. I would offer occasionally after that as I mentioned above and let her know she could do it if she felt she needed to after a certain age. I would otherwise personally see it as conflicting with more important values. But again, that’s me.

I’m just gonna wade in here. I was that girl in middle school who got picked on. I had the caterpillar eyebrows, bad skin, a flat chest, no hips and I got made fun of. My mom didn’t encourage me to change the way I look she just told me I was a late bloomer. She was completely right and now I am very happy with the way I look. Asmonet made a point a while back. Kids will be cruel to your child, it doesn’t matter what she looks like. Maybe she should wait until she’s older and her only motivation isn’t whether or not someone will make fun of her.

@asmonet thank you for your comments, I hope that you know that although I get emotionally involved in the question I honestly do appreciate seeing your side (and everyone elses) on the matter.

@elijahsuicide: I think being that we’re all women and have encountered all the issues we’ve mentioned very young in our lives it’s only natural for all of us to have strong opinions on the subject. I had fun here. :)

Friends? ;)

She isn’t picked on, she is actually one of the popular kids. Her biggest problem is her friends giving her a tough time when she sits with the “nerds”. I know kids are mean, and I’m proud of her for being friends with everyone. That’s why I know she understands that it’s ok to be pretty on the outside as long as you are pretty on the inside too. I know as we get older we learn that the behavior of classifying people as cool or nerdy isn’t right, but it’s reality for children.

Sad, but true.
Early on I learned the wonderfully useful phrase….Fuck em. :)

Got me through all of high school. :D

@elijahsuicide If you do decide to have them done, perhaps take her best friend with you all. Of course, get the best friends mom approval for a spa day, explain what you are doing etc. The other girl may not need her brows done, but can be there for support as she is getting a manicure/pedicure.

Good idea, Chyna. ;)

@chyna I think she might be afraid to do the wax in front of a friend. I think the whole mother daughter beauty day might be what I try. It’s almost spring so I’m ready for a pedi!

@asmonet haha I think “fuck em” is the right idea. We all see things differently, but the important thing is not to let personal preference stand in the way of friendship.

Word.
I’m excited to see what Mangeons has to say since she’s young and probably closer to the issue. :)

Ask her if she really wants to do it, and you’ll be willing to let her if she wants to, and that it’s up to her to decide what’s more important, being herself and going without pain, or looking good without hurtful comments. She’ll choose whatever’s right for herself, and even if she doesn’t, she’ll learn from her mistakes. I wouldn’t reccomend you doing it yourself, because it does hurt some, and it might hurt you too much to see your daughter in pain. Actually, I haven’t run into this issue, because my eyebrows are relatively well-shaped. :)

Well said, @mangeons. That’s pretty much where were at, I gave her the option and that’s all I need to do. Thank your parents for the genetic gift of perfect brows!

Actually, my mom and sister pluck their brows and occasionally get them waxed. Mine don’t really bother me. :^)

And really, if she already knows, and other people have made fun of it, acknowledging it, and offering her a choice, is just doing for the better, I’m not sure it could make her more upset.

As mangeons mother, I can attest to the fact that she has good eyebrows. Her sister, who at 14 is one year older, became concerned about her brows (and hair on her legs) a little earlier than mangeons. When she asked me at what age girls started shaving their legs (she was at the end of 5th grade at the time) I said “when it starts to bother them.” I feel the same way about the eyebrow thing. If it bothers her, I’d give her the option of cleaning them up. I took my oldest girl to the salon, and we had our brows done together… so I definitely like the mother/daughter day idea.

Hi generalspecific! Long time, no see.

It makes me feel so funny when you call me “mangeons”. :)

I didnt have anything done to my eyebrows until like I was in 9th grade. I wish I would have done something about it before then because afterwards they looked wayyy better. i never really cared though, until i got my haircut and the lady suggested it. even though i had my 6th grade sister telling me i should do something about those beasts. psh.

@ausustlan; I know right? I feel so behindd

@augustlan: 3 girls…? I wish you strength!

The impression I got was she just wanted her daughter to be happy, and that her daughter wasn’t being made fun of, but was self concious about it, and she just wants to guide her daughter. That’s the best part of being a mother to a little girl, I imagine..introducing them to being women. I’m not saying every woman needs their eyebrows waxed. I have thicker eyebrows and like them that way. They’re thin now, but I hate growing them out.
This sort of reminds me of Madonna’s daughter, Lourdes. She was photographed, and there were awful things said about her eyebrows, and the next time she was photographed, you could tell she had her eyebrows done.

@bythebay Worse than you think… I had 3 girls in 4 years! At the moment, they are 11, 13, and 14 years old!

Worse? Sniff ;-;

Aw, mangeons, you know I didn’t mean it like that. I love you guys more than anything in the world!

I know, I’m just messing with you augustlan. ((hugs))

@casheroo yes that’s basically what I meant in a nutshell, and yeah my daughters eyebrows look like Lourdes’. Unfortunately that little girl had to deal with her face being all over magazines!

I couldn’t imagine going through my awkward years with paparazzi taking my picture all the time. I don’t even like to look at pictures my parents took from my pre-teen years haha.

Here I typed out an answer, and my dog wiped it out! Yes, my dog ate my homework!

I’m doing the short version. I’ve been in your shoes. My daughter had (has, at times) unfortunate eyebrows. I had suggested, a time or two, that maybe they needed cleaning up, because a classmate was picking on her. As mothers, we never want our children to get hurt, it is going to happen, though. She declined my offer, even with a bribe, she still declined my offer.

To a point, I think it’s best that you let her arrive at her own decision. I understand why you want to do this – we just don’t like our kids being picked on, by anyone.

Sometime in the 6th grade, her best friend pointed out that they were very unruly and she needed some help. The two geniuses decided they she could shave off the offending hairs, luckily, I figured out something bad was about to happen. I stopped them right before the shaving occurred. She allowed me to pluck a few hairs, just to show her what a little cleaning up could do – and that the pain only lasted for a second. if it’s done right!

Now, she keeps them clean, on her own. She’s 15 and survived the eyebrow trauma.

@cak I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard, I can just picture opening the door to find that exact scene. thank you for sharing!