How do you form emotional bonds with friends/loved ones?

Your brain releases oxytocin and vasopressin.

You start to form a bond if you and someone hit it off.

To move into a friendship, you usually have to have some common interests.

Bonds deepen as you share experiences that include fun as well as difficulties.

My best friend and I have been just that for 14 years. I think part of the reason we were able to start forming such a close bond is because our family backgrounds were very similar. We had both gone through some very hard times when we were younger and we couldn’t talk about them with just anyone, especially kids our own age, because we knew that most of them wouldn’t and couldn’t understand where we were coming from. The fact that we could relate so well in that regard made it a lot easier for us to open up and talk about anything.

Emotional bonds are formed well by having experiences and being in situations in which emotions are high, be they good or bad emotions. If you almost die with someone, you bond over the communal emotion of fear that you shared, for example.

In my life, I’ve found that most emotional bonds are fairly easily broken. I never hear from my college friends any more. I never hear from my brother. I have no friends at work.

I do have some friends, but I wouldn’t trust those bonds to last if I moved away. They are pretty tenuous as it is.

The only bond I have that is firm is that with my wife. Honestly, I don’t understand it. She sticks with me through all kinds of shit. I’ve hurt her, and she’s hurt me, and we are still together. Maybe having children is a strong motivator.

It’s not as if I don’t want friends. For some reason, I just don’t seem to be able to keep them, and I am not making new ones. When I go out and meet people, I enjoy it, and I think people enjoy me, but it never turns into anything.

I think that’s why I hang out here so much. The people here are always here. It’s not hard to find people to talk to. I wish I had this in real life.

@daloon: That just made me sad… I have trouble thinking of you like that – you’re so friendly and interesting and full of knowledge! Silly people.

@TitsMcGhee: it makes me sad, too, and I really can’t figure it out. Partly it must be because I don’t reach out. But there are times when I’m too tired, or sick. I thought some of them might have reached out. I don’t think I’m being crazy about this. I really think it’s weird. I mean, I know my brother is weird, and there’s history there. But my friends from college? I don’t get it. Maybe that’s why I think those things you mention don’t really matter.

@daloon: My dad actually recently started reconnecting with his college friends after their (I want to say 25th or 30th) reunion… He discovered email and started talking to many of them again. You never know, yeah? Just want you to be happy…

Thanks, T

Anytime, darlin’.

For me, it’s usually a mix of the following:
– experiencing something powerfully emotional together (good or bad)
– sharing photography (a picture is worth a thousand words!)
– sharing of ideas and emotions through writing
– exercising together
– seeing live music together and dancing whew!
– common upbringings or completely opposite upgringings
– discussing/working on
hobbies together
– roadtrips!!
– volunteering together
– raising kids together
– shopping together, especially for a milestone event
I also read recently that we are more apt to form close bonds and connect with people on a much deeper level when we are going through a loss, because we are so raw, and therefore more likely to not have our usual “walls” or inhibitions. This could also explain why people think they’re in love with someone new shortly after a significant breakup.

Great question, by the way. Let us know how your project turns out.