When is age difference an issue?

When I was 19 I dated a guy who was 36. I think for him it was about control and for me it was about insecurity. I them went on to marry a man 2 years younger than me and that was a disaster. (never marry for potential!)
I am now married to a guy 10 years older than me and it is great. We married when I was 30 and he was 40 so the experience difference was not as big as say, 15 and 25. We both have history and experience to bring to the relationship.

My immediate impression with that age difference is just that, what could they have in common?

I think it’s makes one person feel young again, and the other person feel more secure/protected, as well as more mature.

but, as @Bri_L said, what do they have in common? One’s just out of diapers and the other’s about to go back into them?

I think one of the reasons I posted this question is because the older person in that relationship is spending a lot of time defending it, although he acknowledges all the logical reasons he should not. I guess love is blind? or stupid

@Siren to quote Spiritualized:

Some say that love is blind/but i think that dumb is what they had in mind.

Is he a latent pedaphile? 46 yo man + 19 yo girl = “date your daughter”

@Judi: Would you mind my asking how long your relationship lasted with the older man?

About a year and a baby later…..

@AlfredaPrufrock: Not to my knowledge. I’m wondering if the charm is that ol’ cliche where an older man (or woman) feels younger by association. Or, maybe it’s a simple case of “trophy wife/girlfriend”.

My point is, is there any meaning there, or is there mostly a lot of denial and passion…and eventually fizzing out in the end of the relationship?

@Judi: Wow. So there really was something there for a while for it to last that long (and share a baby with).

as soon as I found out I was pregnant I came to my senses. I said, “What the heck am I doing with a hairy alcoholic!!” (Both my sisters had gotten pregnant before they were married and ended up marrying the hairy alcoholic fathers. What is it about body hair?) I ran as fast as I could! Although I never said a bad word about her father and I never denied her seeing him, he chose not to be a part of her life and maybe paid about $500 her whole life of the $100 per month child support he was ordered to pay.

I think everyone should have a relationship like that at least once (or twice, I suppose). There’s a lot of learning about life and the opposite sex to be had in those kinds of relationships and that’s what charm is to be had.

I think the assumption is wrong, by the way, that people with great age differences can have nothing in common besides sex.

I’ve been with a woman 15 years older than myself (35 & 50) for the past 3.5 years. The difference (from the stereotype) in our relationship is that I’ve been the one with more worldly experience.

Lolita

I think there are exceptions to every rule. But we are talking about more than a numerical difference here. She is at a completely different level of maturity than he is.

I think people with age differences can have a lot in common. But dating with a 27 year old difference? Statistically, the odds are he’s not dating her for her intellectual or conversational abilities. The older guys that have come on to my daughters are usually men who cannot get a date in their own age group.

When my husband was newly divorced many years ago (he was in his mid-thirties), he had a relationship with an 18 year old girl. I think it was a huge ego trip for him. He said all the women he knew were disgusted by it, but all the men he knew thought he was ‘The Man’. He admits it was wildly inappropriate, but at the time it was quite the pick up for his self-esteem. It probably lasted about a year or so.

@Bri_L: Yes, that seems to be the most significant factor: she is not really that mature yet (by demonstration). I don’t think maturity is in the eye of the beholder: it is simply something one eventually developes, if they develop responsibility and knowledge along the way. This girl is not even at that stage yet. Granted, some people never attain full maturity, and furthermore, I have met many younger people who are more “level-headed” and mature, than myself, so I don’t label a particular age group more mature than any other. I believe it may simply be a state of mind.

@kebvo: I think your situation has turned out positively for you, which is great. I think you and your SO have enough shared interests and experience for you both to enjoy what life has to offer with each other.

I don’t, however, subscribe to the belief that everyone has to share this type of relationship. If it happens to happen to you, and you gain some knowledge and experience from it, that is one thing. But just experiencing something doesn’t make you any smarter. Like drugs, bad experiences are bad experiences. You may live through it and live to tell about it, but wouldn’t it be better to have not lived through it the first time? I’m speaking about bad relationships, not yours of course.

What if were a 46 year old woman dating a 19 year old boy?

@augustian: That’s very interesting. Thanks for sharing. I think my friend is in that very same category where he needs a little ego massaging. I have asked this question to my own spouse, and he was pretty evasive (ha ha!) about what the charm was for dating a 19-year old.

I guess having a sweet, young thing around who is smitten with you is a great ego booster. If it happened to me, I’d be flattered too I guess, but I don’t think I would feel there was enough in common to bother with it. Just me though.

@AlfredaPrufrock: I’d venture to guess we’d be having the very same conversation ;)

I think control has a lot to do with wide age-gap relationships

My husband and I joke that I AM his sweet young thing. When we met I was around 30, he was around 40 (mid life crisis?) He bought a Corvette and married me. Now, nearly 20 years later…..

Like @augustlan, my now-husband did the same thing after he was divorced. It’s like they get the attention they always wanted from 18yo girls in high school, but never got. A dream come true.

If the asker’s pal even calls it “babysitting,” I’m pretty sure he’s not dating the younger girl for relationship potential. I doubt he sees them getting old(er) together. Young women are often quite beautiful in that fresh, dewy, virginal way, and I can see where men (older, younger) get ga-ga over it. It’s a trophy thing. Plus, they might be programmed to want to sleep with women who are young and fertile and can provide much babymaking, whether or not that is the actual intent.

My husband and I have a 9.5 year age difference, but similar to @Judi, we married at 35/45. It doesn’t even really feel like an age difference, though, except when he tires out faster. We both feel about 25yo inside, though. Which is probably how the old fart dating the young chick feels, too.

@lynneblundell: Wow, that coincidentally fits my friend’s profile: he is a very controlling individual. Thanks for mentioning that.

@Judi: Ahhhhh….10 years is not that big of an age difference, in my opinion.

You know, I think I am just harping on common interests such as music, activities, etc. which people within similar age groups can use to relate to each other more. I do recognize that in a sincere relationship, these things are quite trivial, and it is more about how someone makes you feel about yourself than their own interests. So, I guess I can see the charm in this after all to some degree.

@laureth: I think my friend was just joking when he referred to it as such. I believe one of his other friends called it that, half-jokingly, because she was underage to hang out with his older crowd at clubs and bars, so my friend opted to not go out on weekends like he usually did, to show solidarity and commitment(?) to his girlfriend. Well, at least it keeps him sober, but at what point to you lower yourself to someone younger so that you can keep them? Is it justifiable to change your lifestyle to keep someone, even temporarily? And what about blocking your other friends out of your life?

These are consequences I have observed from my friend’s situation.

When I was 19 I got into bars all the time with my 36 year old balding hairy boyfriend. Who was going to question it? Of course, that was back in 1979)

Hubby and I have a 9 year age difference. At our ages it hardly matters. It does however, allow me to call him ‘old’! ;-)

@Siren – Ah, okay. I understand. Still, it’s a thing that people usually do at some point in their lives, and if they choose to partake, I would recommend following the Savage Love “campsite rule” – leave them in better condition than you found them.

@laureth: That’s a nice sentiment! I like that rule!

@Judi: I don’t think bars and clubs usually turn down the women, especially young and pretty ones – they attract the guys :)

@Siren, there are no guarantees in any relationship.

@Siren : So you’re the one who stole my original screen name pick, hmmm? We finally meet. To the death!!!!

Age is all relative. Sometimes I think it’s just fetish. When I was younger I loved to flirt with older guys. When I was 21 I really dug a 50 year old… some people just jive. He was admittedly a super hottie, but if it isn’t meant to be, it’ll show quickly.

@Siren – What might she be getting out of the relationship? Does she seem satisfied enough? Do they share values? Can they have intelligent conversations and learn things from each other? Do they seem open to each other as people, good, bad and ugly? That stuff ends up being more important in the long run that musical tastes – or age, for that matter, I think.

The youngest I’ve gone is 6 years younger than me. It wasn’t age that broke us up, it was my maturity level, which admittedly wasn’t high at the time. The oldest I’ve gone is 3 years older and we simply didn’t share the deeper values that keeps couples together.

@Siren: My pleasure to meet you also. Sorry your first pick was taken. I had a personal reason for this name (don’t we all?) :)

I agree age is all relative. I guess for my own question, it’s the symptom, not the disease. The situation surrounding my friend’s relationship fits a lot of cliches surrounding age, unfortunately.

@aprilsimnel: Well, he buys her stuff. She recently acquired his old sports car too. So, he’s a sugardaddy for one. They fight a lot, especially about his old relationships (he has had long-term ones which ended in great friendships). She is immature and resents that, not that he has spoken to any of them in front of her, or involved them in her life, or spends a lot of time (or a little) with them. So, she’s a bit controlling herself at 19.

The fact that they’ve only been together for 3 months and these issues have arose suggests to me it will be a destructive and fatal affair. I could be wrong, but that’s why I asked for others’ opinions.

first of all…“besides sex”? what do you mean “besides sex”? Why else would this guy date someone who is too young to even be his daughter? And have you had sex with a 19-year-old?

Actually, come to think of it, neither have I, but it must be good.

The best sex I’ve ever had was with a 23-y-old and I was 35, so that’s quite a difference too. But she was pretty mature (though by the way we ended turns out maybe she wasn’t). And I was hoping for a long-lasting relationship with her, and I still think it could have worked out.

I think the age difference is an issue when the two people want different things. For me it was huge when I was 29 and wanted to get married and my gf at the time was 21 and didn’t. But it wouldn’t be if I was 46 and she was 19 and we just wanted to have a good time together.

@Jack79: Hey Jack, thanks for your answer. It’s good to get all perspectives, from all points of view. I think the added attraction is being the dominating one, in all aspects, and a 19-year old is kind of a blank slate you can mold to your taste, right?

On the other hand, if you desire something that won’t bore you after the sex does (if it ever does), that’s when questions like this become significant. But, like you said, if it’s only for a good time, that’s someone’s choice. So long as they don’t isolate those close to them in the process, which is what has been happening with my friend.

Again, he is probably the cliche version of the age difference question, not I see the norm.

Yes, I’ve had relationships when the girl was shallow/boring, and it was not really the age difference as much as the maturity (which is obviously related, but not always a precise indicator). And sometimes the relationship would not even start exactly because of that reason.

What I liked about that 23-y-old I mentioned was first of all that she was intelligent and educated and we could talk about all sorts of things. But of course this is not the same as sexual maturity. I was only her second boyfriend, and she was still in love with the first one. Which is why I eventually just told her to go back to him and get it out of her system.

@Jack79: Yup, that’s kind of what you end up dealing with at that age. I mean, come on, can you blame someone for acting their age? Most 19 year olds are still finding themselves, in different areas of their lives, and really need/want to get out there and experience the world, not be tied down because someone else wants to settle down. Maybe that’s just my own experience when I was 19, but I think(believe) it holds true for most young people, anyways.

Is it fair to expect someone to give up their dreams or pursuing experiences for someone else, when they don’t even know what they’ll be missing? I think Maria Carey voiced that opinion about her marriage with Bobby Mottola (or Robby?) because their age difference was so significant. He wouldn’t let her go out and hang with her friends at clubs, she had to dress more demure. I’m not saying I like either of them, but here is an example where age and lifestyle kind of go hand in hand.

Again, love can overcome anything I guess.

Tommy Mottola. Who is a jerk. Just ask Daryl Hall how much he ripped off John and himself for when he was their manager. He married Mariah to have control over the cash machine that was her voice.

only when everyone has a problem with it

My SO is 10 years older than I am, but like Kevbo, the stereotypes are definitely not true for us. A lot of the time I’m the old fart. I go to sleep and wake up earlier, I tell him to turn the music down, I made him buy a helmet for his bike, when we go to restaurants, I knit while we chat before the food arrives. I could go on and on.

As far as “worldliness” I’d say we’re pretty close to equal, and we’re also in the same “place” in our lives, in that we’re both in college, but we’d both rather be living in a cute little house with a dog and a cat and a garden than doing keg stands or cramming all night.

I was a little unsure at first, when he told me how old he was, but once I got to know him, I realized that we really connected. And after we told each other a little bit about ourselves, I actually realized that I would have strongly disliked him when he was my age. We would not have gotten along at all. He was, we’ll say, “not my type”.

All in all, I would say our relationship is very meaningful and positive (I can’t speak to the “outcome” yet) but I would definitely consider spending the rest of my life with him.

Tim (if you’re reading this) feel free to weigh in on my impressions of our relationship, lol.

Who frickin’ cares!!! They are both consenting adults, and if they like each other and have fun together, why not? Who are we to judge? And as anyone who’s ever been in an intimate relationship knows, only the two people actually involved in the relationship know what really goes on between them. Why do we always have to judge? This is not much different than saying “is it right for two men to be together?” Why can’t we just let people be happy and enjoy each other? Why do we always have to judge through what we think is right or acceptable? Everyone should be able to be w/ the person they care about, regardless of age, gender, “race”, sexual orientation, or cultural, ethnic or religious backgrounds. Why do we have to keep reiterating this point?

One is a consenting adult. The other still has training wheels on.

@AlfredaPrufrock Perhaps you should check your legal dictionary again. If, in fact, OP resides in the USA, then 18 is considered an adult. Period.

@Siren I had this gf once who was much younger than me and we lived together for 3 years, and just like Maria Carey you mention (her name was also Maria btw) she wanted to go out and I didn’t. So what we’d do, she’d take a tram to the centre and hang out with her friends and so on, and always end up going to a particular bar at around 2am or so. At which time I’d also go there, pick her up (maybe stick around for an hour or so) and drive back home together. It worked most of the time, especially since we liked the same music. But in the long run it made me feel like her dad or older brother, and she had to spend most of her time with her friends but without me (I also used to work most weekends since I was a singer at the time).

All this led to us eventually breaking up.

@Jack79: I hear ya. Well, this friend of mine also now is under curfew, (like she is from her parents incidentally), from his 19-year old girlfriend, because apparently she doesn’t trust him to hang out with his friends anymore. I mean, what’s a 19-year old doing calling the shots because she is immature, and what is a 47 year old (sorry, did the math wrong everyone, he’s actually 47) doing taking orders from a 19-year old?

@tb1570: Who cares? Well, if the situation looks unhealthy, usually friends and family care. Wouldn’t you wish someone would point out the obvious if you were temporarily blinded about a situation? Should we all just let our loved ones learn the hard way, when morally some of us feel obliged to be true friends, even when it may be uncomfortable for us??? Come on, don’t tell me you would let a friend do something that’s unhealthy for them without voicing your opinion, a little. What kind of friend would you be if you didn’t?

And can so many people be wrong??? Everyone has told this guy the situation is not ideal for him, yet he continues to pursue this relationship. Perhaps I am the one who is asking this question because it is bothering me that someone I know is doing something unhealthy. And what that means to me is that while they are doing it, I wan’t no part of being around them, because by association I’m condoning their spiral into a destructive ending.

But, talking through this thread with others and their experiences has confirmed to me, that in my friend’s case, it’s just not a good relationship. So I guess, in conclusion, I won’t be around when the meltdown occurs, since he’s taken great pains to isolate everyone from his life in order to woo this volatile young woman. Man, this is good therapy talking it out on fluther :)

I think age gaps are relevant only in certain gaps…20 and 25….reasonable, 15 and 20…not reasonable. I also cannot for the life of me wonder why the younger person would want to get into the relationship, but as long as they’re both consenting adults than whatever floats their boat I guess.

@adreamofautumn ; You don’t know what the younger person would want in that relationship? Can you spell G-O-L-D-D-I-G-G-E-R?
Not all the time but sometimes? You betcha.

@Judi I suppose you are quite right. I wasn’t even thinking in those terms, I was mostly thinking that I am 23 and I have NO sexual attraction to people that are nearly my parents age. Granted, my parents are rather young for me to be 23 so maybe it’s less taboo to other people, but really…eww. When I think about it the golddigger sentiment is probably fairly correct, at least some of the time.

@Adreamofautumn: I totally agree about why a younger person would be interested in someone who could be their father. I mean, 19 and 47: that’s a bit of a stretch right? When I was that age, I thought 27 was old. Maybe that’s just me though.

@Judi: Yes, she’s probably a gold digger, and he is aware of that possibility, but he told me he actually prefers that type to others, because he considers her type smart in seeking out the right provider, which he is proud of a peacock to be. Oh well.

im 26 and i lfirt with teenage girls and women twice my age and some in there thirties, i think I have issues

All I know is this one example. My friends parents got hitched when he was only 24 and she was 35. Their relationship lasted a long time, but he got bored, or lets say she got old and he didn’t feel old yet…I don’t know. I’m sure there were many things, but she is old with a cane and he is still young and vibrant.

For men I believe it is harder. I was once with a very attractive woman but at the time I was 23 and she was 36. I was very attracted to her and the relationship went well but I then thought about having a serious relationship with the person and the fact that women mature faster than boys dawned on me. I imagined us when I reached her age and I didnt like the picture…so we broke up.

Age is only an issue with ignorant people make it an issue.