Dividing rent while cohabitating?

Oh, and just to add even more detail and make my question even longer…
In the brief conversation he said he’d expect me to do more housework if I pay less rent.

If he buys you stuff he deserves the office. Just make sure he will share the office. He sounds like he might pay more than his share of the rent if needed but I wouldn’t even mention it. Just enjoy life with him as it sounds like you do.

Money is one of the things that ends relationships, as I think you may be starting to see. There is no “right” here except for the situation you can both live with. If you aren’t comfortable with paying half of the rent, and you aren’t comfortable with his expectation that you should do more housework in exchange for paying less rent, then moving in together is not likely to be a happy experience.

One thing you might consider is contributing to a joint “house account,” proportional to each of your incomes. Joint expenses – groceries, utilities, rent – come out of the house account.

He actually said that? Forget what I said. He’s a pig!

Since this is beyond the dating and it has become more committed, I think it’s a 50/50 but like you say he will probably pick up more of the expenses anyway, but be gracious and it will work out fine

@steve6 The thing is, he’s really not a pig. He’s a wonderful guy. He is, however, very logical minded and to him, splitting rent is the fair thing to do.

@cwilbur- I really like the idea of a joint house account, but wouldn’t that just be me getting what I want but with different wording?

He basically asked you to be his maid, no?

@steve6 No, I hope it didn’t come across like that. He thinks if he contributes more financially, I should contribute more in another area, like keeping the place clean.

If you both work jobs then you should split the house work 50/50.

This is the issue with not being married while cohabitating. When you’re married the money is ours, but when you’re just cohabitating it’s your’s and mine.

But to answer the question, it is unfair. You share a bedroom with him and he gets an office; you don’t even get to have your own room. What about expenses? If he uses the internet more, does he pay more for that bill? Or maybe you use more water? You should work this out before moving in together. Money can ruin a relationship. What if he eats your cereal? You see where I’m going with this, right?

Edit::You should pay less.

@tinyfaery- I definitley see where you’re going. One of his arguments was that I use more than 1/2 the bathroom… but I didn’t put that in my original question because I think/hope it was one of those stupid spur of the moment things people say and he’ll take it back when we have the big conversation

If you are both in love it has to be 50/50. Everything.

I will keep my answer short since I really shouldn’t be Fluthering right now. My logic is, you are absolutely happy with your old charming apartment. He is the one that wants you both to move into his nicer one. That means, he should pay more. Simple as that. If he wants 50/50, find a cheaper place or rather find more charming apartments. If he needs a den, that’s his problem. You are happy to help him out with it, assuming that he pays more rent for the den. Plus, if he works from there, it is like he is renting a new space for working. Split the apartment into room/kitchen/living/bathroom sizes and den size. As for cleaning, you clean your crap, he cleans his crap, and you can take dishwashing turns. Him wanting a den doesn’t automatically make you the pseudo-butler of the apartment. Perhaps you could cook 4 days of the week while he cooks 3, or something like that.

I think my above approach isn’t really ideal in a healthy relationship, so I hope it doesn’t come to that for you two. My reason for mentioning the approach is so you can show him how silly he is being. You aren’t strangers for pete’s sake! You are in a monogamous relationship. Strangers don’t care that the other person earns less and so should have to pay less. A significant other, however, should care.

Edit: I disagree with @steve6‘s “If you are both in love it has to be 50/50. Everything.” My opinion is “if you are both in love, then ratios shouldn’t matter.” Each partner should do what they think is morally right rather than logistically right.

Is your portion of the rent on your new 2 bedroom upscale apartment going to be more than you’re currently paying for the charming (wink wink nudge nudge) place you’re in now? If so, then I think you could make a good argument for paying less, if not, it’s going to tougher to justify him paying more.

I’ve been on both sides of this one, before we were married, I lived with my wife when she was in school. She worked part-time and had student loans, but there were months where it was just more important for her to focus on school. After a couple less than happy discussion around the first of the month we set up a date and time we would have “the budget talk” to let each other know where we were at. If she was going to be short, she could let me know and I could work overtime/call in a favor/sell a kidney as needed.

Now, the shoe has been on the other foot. I started a business and there have been months where “the check is in the mail” from someone and I just don’t have enough to cover rent. The budget meeting at least lets her know it’s a possibility. Having a set time helps us to keep the stress of finances out of our everyday lives. We talk it over then, and then, as much as possible, don’t worry about it. It works well for us.

Also, does your boyfriend know how much you make? Not in a theoretical sense, but in actual “I bring home $xxxx dollars a month, and that’s all I have to work with until I get out of school.” way. It’s one thing for him to know he makes more, another to have an actual number to start subtracting necessary monthly expenses from. It may make the whole thing easier for him to understand.

I do understand where he is coming from, with the whole 50/50 thing. Even if he needs some extra space, which he would have if he wasn’t living with you, that does not mean he should have to pay more.
If you cannot come to an agreement, you better renew your lease and wait another year until you two can figure out the logistics. Maybe wait until you are done school, so you will have more money, and you two can get a better place together.

@casheroo lol, I’m getting a teaching degree. With paying off student loans, I will pretty much never have more money. :/

@funkdaddy- yes, he does know the exacts of my salary, and I know his.

Also, factor this in: If I pay (let’s say) 1/3 of the rent at a place costing what his current place costs, I will be saving money over what I’m paying now. If he pays 2/3 of the rent, he will also be saving money. I see that as a win/win situation. If I pay half, I will not be saving any money and he will be saving a lot.

If it has to come down to mathematical equations then forget it. Take how much you make and decide what percentage of that should go to household expenses. So if it’s 30%, then you each pay 30% of your take home pay.

@Likeradar Hmm, sorry I forgot to factor in student loans :( they’re a bitch.
Have you told him you feel this would be unfair? Will the rent be more than you pay right now? Is it worth it to you, to pay the same amount and share a place?
I’m sorry, I never went through this..I just asked my husband and apparently I was stingy with my money when I first moved in with him and never contributed, whoops!

If you are moving in together because you care about each other then neither one of you should take a financial hit.

Say your apt is $500 and his is $1000 (you said twice yours) and a new shared 2 bd apt is $1200. A 50/50 split means your rent goes up $100 and his goes down $400. Hardly what a guy wants to do to a woman he cares about who is barely making it financially.

A fairer division might be 30/70 so your share is $360 and his is $840 and you both have more disposable income. As far as sharing the other expenses 50/50 that makes sense because utilities and food should be less for one household than two. Also grownups divide chores equally but you might want to distribute them based on who does them best. For example I would like to do the shopping because I am a very good shopper. Whoever is the better cook should cook. For jobs nobody wants to do, trade off weekly. Again the idea behind moving in together is about spending time together and that isn’t happening if you’re Cinderella

The second bedroom/office can be easily negotiated. If he is working from home, he needs access to business files etc. Why don’t you make room for his work stuff and your school in the 2nd bedroom to keep down the clutter in the rest of the apt and he has primary use of the office. When you are doing school work, you can use the dining table or maybe a side table in the bedroom. When you are finished you put books, files, laptop away in 5 minutes.

If he wants to pay more then that’s OK. You can share the office. When you are a teacher you should make enough money to do almost anything (my wife teaches 6th grade English). All of your questions aren’t issues with people in love. These things take care of themselves. However, in this day and age it’s insulting to ask your “wife” to do more than half the house work.

@steve6 I see what you’re saying about asking your “wife” to do more than 1/2 the housework, but I just want to make it clear he’s not asking me to do more because I’m the lil’ lady. He’s asking because he wants contributions to the household to be equal. He’s not into gender roles like thatat all. this is me trying so hard to make it 100% clear he’s not a schmuck

I agree completely with PnL. He knows you make far less than he does, so him wanting to move into a better apartment and expecting you to pay half the rent is, I’m sorry, completely ridiculous. As is the fact that he would want you to do more housework “to make up for it” if you couldn’t pay 50%.

If he wants things to be 50/50 he needs to realize that you two would have to move into an apartment where you could actually afford to cover 50%.

If he’s truly logical, that’s the only way to see it.

I didn’t see in your question that you did not want to pay half or couldn’t afford to until you start teaching.

It does seem rather unfair that he will be saving a lot of money and you will not. You would think that your significant other would want you benefit financially from the arrangement too. It seems he is being a little selfish considering each of your financial positions.

I think I would be irate if my boyfriend suggested i do more housework to make up for the rent (although I probably would do more anyways because of our personalities) If he actually said that I might be inclined to throw things at him no matter how “innocently” it was said.

Maybe he hasnt put the thought into it to realize he is being unfair, but if it ends up being hard to come to an agreement on who will pay which amount which is agreeable to both of you it might not be the right time to cohabitate, even if its something you really want at this time.

If it starts out being this difficult to come to a financial agreement, it stands a to reason that things will be more difficult once you are actually living together. (since there will be so much more to disagree about!)

If I were in your place, @Likeradar, warning signals would be going off.

I think I have this figured out, so it’s “fair.”

First of all, your student loans and school expenses in all this is immaterial in this decision. Red herring. You’re paying rent and paying for school now, right?

How much are you paying for rent now? If splitting the rent 50/50 with him in his apartment is less than what you’re paying now, then you are ahead with the arrangement. You should split the rent, the space and split the household responsibilities 50/50.

That being said, with a 50/50 split, as a roommate, you have a bedroom, he has a bedroom. But wait, He needs a office. You are willing to share his bedroom and give him the office in exchange for…1/3 of your share of the rent.

The “more of the housework” thing is a really bad idea.

Hmmmm now that I think about it… since you work full time and go to school, perhaps HE should pick up more of the housework since he is BOUND to have more free time (haha!)

mmmmm… it seems to me that you guys are not ready to move in together. I think you are going to be very unhappy if he is being serious about you paying half the rent or doing more housework. He needs to be more understanding. My bf and I have been living together for two years and we split the rent. However, he wants me to go back to school and offered to pay all the rent while i’m finishing my career so that I can work less and focus more on school. My point is, if you guys are going to live together, you need to help each other out! And I’m sorry to tell you this but it really doesn’t sound like he wants to help you! You are not the selfish one here!!

A lot of great answers here already, so I’ll just touch on a couple points:

If he is as logical as you say then he should come to realise that life isn’t numbers game. Everything isn’t a 50/50 draw. You clearly can’t afford 50% of the rent… (and the whole you should do more house work comment is insulting even if Gandhi were to say it)... you should map out what you yourself can afford, and are willing, to pay.

But if it’s this big of an issue, maybe you should hold off on moving in.

Big red flag!!!

To be honest, and I am sure i get a lot of fire for, but I kinda think he is right…
Well, yes life is not a numbers game, but money is a part of life, and I belive that since he makes more money, he also works for those money.
and the question about housework is a legitimate one.
I mean, he brings home a lot of cash, so that you both can enjoy things in life it is fair that you should contribute a bit more at home so that he is not requiered to first work a lot and then has to do a lot of work, that just seems unfair to me.
and I belive that not beeing able to ask a woman to do more housework argument posted by others here is a bit of feministic BS… In this day and age when women and men are supposed to be equal there should be no trouble asking either part such a question. The not asking women that question is just a remnant of collective guilt over the fact that women used to be supressed years ago…
Me and my partner is in the same situation, exept she is the one that makes the most money… That means that I am in charge of tidying the house and making her dinner after work etc… It is not a rule, but rather guidelines…
But If this is a big concern.. then I belie you are not yet ready to move in together… this should not be an issue if you were. You should be able to communicate openly with each other and thus getting rid of each others problems and worries…

My husband earns twice what I do, and has always held the opinion that “earned” him the right to go off and do fun things, while I spend my “free time” doing all the housework, car maintenance, house maintenance, etc. because he makes more money and shouldn’t have to do things on a regular basis. That was fine during the brief period I stayed home with children, because “housewife” became my job, but I’ve mostly worked full time, and put in 40–60 hour weeks, and I still have had to put in the second shift at home.

It took a heavy toll on our relationship.

When men say that, they are in essence, “buying” a live-in housekeeper with benefits. I would really question the wisdom of living with this guy without being married and pooling both income and expenses. Your going to school is going to be viewed as what you do for “fun and recreation” and it’s not. The odds of this working out well for you in the long run does not bode well.

Maybe I’m the odd ball here…....cause I see this entirely differently. If two people are in a committed relationship, then they contribute what is needed to make the relationship work. There have been times in my (30 year) relationship that he has earned more and times when I have earned more….....times when I did more of the housework and times when he did more of the housework….....we just always did what ever it took to make things work and never worried about equaling things out money wise or work wise.
Having said all of that…....everyone is different and what works for us might not work for the next couple.

If the entire purpose of getting a two bedroom/one with a den is so that he can have an at-home office, then the burden of paying for the difference in rent should be on him, not you.

Furthermore, I do believe in proportional splitting. He is making way more money than you, he should be paying more than you. I would not go with an actual percent of earning difference, but something easy like 70/30 or 75/25 or rounding to the nearest $50 of what those percentages result in.

As well, your logic about how both of you would save money with a 70/30 split is very true. You could communicate this point to him by means of showing how it’s fair to both people.

Bottom line, I believe you are not being unreasonable at all. I believe you are being a sound-minded logical person.

While I agree with @basp‘s comment directly above mine, I feel the need to point out that one and a half years of dating is not necessarily a committed relationship, certainly not in my mind if the man is talking about being “equal” with rent when his solution of 50/50 is certainly not equal. It’s when couples take this step into defining what commitment and equality mean that they discover new things about their partner.

My 2 cents:
Figure out what you can pay (for rent & util) and tell him that’s your 50%. Surely you should be able to find an apt with 2br with what you are paying seperatly? Anything above and beyond that he can choose to contribute to enhance or learn to live within your collective means. (heck, you two might even be able to open a joint savings account, with what you can save). Everything else should be divided first by who wants to do what, then who can do what better/faster, and lastly for things no one wants to take on, you alternate.

If I were you, I would run for the hills.

Your boyfriend is not being logical, he is being self-centered. In terms of square footage, he wants an extra room that will be his. This in no way equates with “you will use more than half the bathroom”, which is bullshit anyway. As to purchasing your housework output by paying more of the rent, it sets up a bad precedent for the future.

My main concern here is that your boyfriend is not approaching the idea of moving in with a loving spirit.

My second concern is that to him money is the only thing of value, not love.

Please, please, please do not move in with him. He is unlikely to change.

I’ve been here btw… four words…

where
is
the
love

get rid!

Another point your boyfriend is missing is that the labor market does not value people’s work very accurately. You’re in childcare, and that is a notoriously underpaid job. You’re also going to grad school, which is another form of labor, and in this case, unless you are getting an assistantship or a grant or something, it is uncompensated labor. It is, however, labor. I would have to say that you probably work more than he does, and he is definitely the one to do the house labor. Also your work is hugely undercompensated. If you were paid according to your real worth to society, you would probably be paid twice as much as he is paid.

The issue is that by moving in, you are becoming a single unit, except that you aren’t married. You are co-mingling expenses. Are you going to do that fifty-fifty, too? Are you going to have separate shelves in the fridge? Are you going to meter electricity separately? Water? What if he goes to the bathroom more than you?

This fairness thing can be carried to extremes. If you co-mingle funds, then you can both buy what you want out of it, and that includes living space. If you don’t co-mingle funds, then you can either have a form of communism (from each according to his ability, to each according to his needs), or you can do a strict accounting approach—measuring how long each person is in the apartment, and paying according to the percentage of time and percentage of use of the facilities. In either case, he would pay more. It’s easiest if you go proportional to your salaries.

Now, as to the “red flag” issue. It could be a sign that he is penurious and expects you to be subordinate to him. Then again, he just might not have thought things through. If he insists on the 50/50 thing, then he’s thinking of you as a roommate, not a partner. If he understands the proportional thing, then he sees you as a partner. If he does not understand this, don’t move in.

I know you have wanted to move in for a while. Now he’s talking about it, but does he really want it, or is this more your doing? You may be needier, and he could take advantage of that. If you move in under his conditions, just know that you are sacrificing a lot of yourself to be with him. It’s not equal, and that’s not so good.

Wow, I really appreciate all your responses. You’re all giving me lots to think about!

With the cost of MerryMaids @ $125 up for 4 hours and a personal assistant @ $25/hr up for errands and shopping and a personal chef @ $50/hr, you could actually make an additional $500 or more per week on the let’s go 50/50 idea. The question Mr. Accountant needs to face is-Is this a business arrangement or a personal arrangement? If it is going to cost you money, then stay where you are and charge him rent when he spends the night at your place.

While I think your situation is a bit unique from other people’s situations. I think because you are not only in school full time it is causing you to not have a full time job and not make as much as you can to contribute to living expenses. I think when you live with someone it is supposed to be a shared thing, and whoever said it life isn’t a numbers game but not married and living together is uncharted waters because you really are test driving marriage. I find it odd and it could be the way it is written that he wouldn’t be more understanding of your financial ways and compensate for them. Since you are still in school it prohibits you from being a teacher and making a pretty good living and contributing to the apartment.

I think if you have reservations about any part of it, or have doubts really you should talk with him about concerns you have or maybe hold off with the moving in until your done with graduate school and can have a full time teaching position to be more secure financially. While you won’t be making as much as your boyfriend you will still be contributing more than when you were just a graduate student.

@blondie411 Sorry if it wasn’t clear, but I do have a more than full time job while in grad school. It’s just not a very high-paying job. I’m in the child-care/education field, which as someone pointed out, is sadly underpaid. But it’s what I chose to do, and I love it.

@Likeradar I miss understood then.

My advice stands that if you are unsure of the situation because of the money you should have a talk with him. Your career path vs. his you will never “catch” up to his salary. If this will be a problem then maybe he will see you as a roomate rather than a love potential becoming an us.

I always thought you live together first on your way to marrying as a test run to see if you can do it. If you do not see eye to eye on these principals or if he won’t help I don’t know what kind of support you will get later on.

And he is going to get a tax break on the home office.

My hubby made way more than me when we first moved in together. He paid the rent and I paid the utilities.
I agree with cwilber. This is your first real test. If you can’t come to a happy agreement on this you may find that you are not as compatible as you thought you were. Better to find out now than after you’re married I guess.

My suggestion for the joint house account was not a way of getting you what you wanted, but an alternative, fair way to divide the expenses. It shouldn’t be a question of 50/50—because, practically speaking, in a relationship, it’s never going to be 50/50.

When you’re only roommates, sharing an apartment is a business decision, and so the costs should be divided evenly. When you’re a couple and the possibility of marriage is on the horizon, things are different, and so the costs should be shared fairly. He’s thinking of this arrangement as he would if you were a guy friend he was living with, which is probably the wrong mindset for him to be in.

But at the base, the right answer here is the one you can both live with, and the wrong answer is the one that you resent. There may be no right answer, and it’s better to find that out sooner than later.

I think there’s nothing wrong with a 50/50 rent arrangement if you’re each using 50% of the house. If I was in your shoes, I would be fine with the 2nd bedroom as long as I had use of half of it, put my desk in there, did my homework there, that would be a perk for me, and worth the 50%, but I would have to say, hey, if we’re splitting it 50/50, look, I can afford to pay this, and no more, and if he didn’t want a place that had quite that level of ~charm~ then he’d have to get over it, or keep living by himself.

But honestly, the thing about the housework sends up a huge red flag for me, and aside from the chauvinist angle, just seems downright cold. Come on! You’re in school AND you’re working full time, and he thinks you should be doing his laundry on top of that? That’s just cold-hearted! Is he your boyfriend or your slave-driver?

A couple suggestions. First thing you should do is figure out exactly how much you can afford. Be honest with him about that. If you can only afford $500 a month (or whatever), he can’t possibly expect you to pay more than that and should revise his expectations accordingly. Whether that means you find a $1000 place to split the rent, or a $1500 place and he pays 2/3rds, he can never expect you to pay more than you think you can afford.

Second, I agree with @cwilbur about a joint house account. I did that with my girlfriend (now wife) when we first moved in together. We each put in a set amount per month and then we can both track all of our joint expenses.

Finally, if your guy does decide he wants to move into a nicer place than you can afford equally, you should appreciate his subsidy, but in no way are you required to be his maid. You’ll need to make sure you’re in a place (mentally) where you can make that distinction. And for that, you’re probably on your own.

Good luck!

I can’t believe how many answers this is getting. Thanks!

Some of you have mentioned telling him the max I can afford… Right now I’m paying the max I can, and if I moved into his place is almost exactly what half of his rent is. (I’ll be student teaching eventually and what I can afford then will be different.) For me, it’s not about what I can afford, it’s about what I should spend. If we split rent 50/50, I will be continually in the same economic position as I am now, and he will be saving a whole lot. I’m not sure that’s fair.

Where did all those people come up with the amount you could afford? I pointed to your question earlier to quell them. I never read you writing you couldn’t afford half. I guess people see what they want to see.

I’ve been thinking about this problem and why it would cause my warning signals to sound. On rereading the entire thread, I think those that come closest to the heart of the issue are those that say he’s making a business decision of what ought to be a personal matter. (I am curious to know what business he is in. Legal or financial, by any chance?)

My take is closest to those of DrasticDreamer, theladebug, dynamicduo, galileogirl, and especially daloon.

However, I took a minute to list the facts as you gave them, without narrative or explanation:

You have been together 18 months.
You work and go to school.
He earns 4x your pay.
He pays 2x what you pay in rent.
He pays when you go out together.
He requires one room as a home office.
He thinks you should split your new rent 50–50.
You think that’s unfair to you for many reasons.
He thinks you should offset lower rent with more housework.
He is logically minded and thinks this is a fair deal.
You’ve had only a brief conversation.
A big conversation is still to come.
He believes you use more than half the bathroom.
You are paying off student loans.
A 1/3 – 2/3 split on rent that equals his present rate would be a break for you both.

I then went through the list and crossed off everything I think is irrelevant to the real question.

You have been together 18 months.
You work and go to school.
He earns 4x your pay.
He pays 2x what you pay in rent.
He pays when you go out together.
He requires one room as a home office.
He thinks you should split your new rent 50–50.
You think that’s unfair to you for many reasons.
He thinks you should offset lower rent with more housework.
He is logically minded.
He thinks this is a fair deal.
You’ve had only a brief conversation.
A big conversation is still to come.
He believes you use more than half the bathroom.
You are paying off student loans.
A 1/3 – 2/3 split on rent that equals his present rate would be a break for you both.

What’s left is that you disagree strongly on what is the right thing for you as a couple to do.

And I do think that points to the real question: what are the principles on which you base your negotiation? I don’t think you have common ground.

Couples can disagree strongly on some things and sustain a relationship: whether to vote Republican or Democrat, whether to eat meat or go vegetarian, even whether to install the toilet paper with the end under or over. In the course of a long-term relationship, couples have many opportunities to differ, and they have to find their own ways of determining which differences have to be resolved and which they can live with.

But what I see here is that you have fundamentally different processes for how to decide what is right and what is fair. Moreover, you have met an enormous test of your ability to resolve that disparity right here in the basic question of the terms on which you will live together.

How long do you have to work this out? When are your leases up?—September? Six months ought to be enough time for you to find out if you can resolve the issue. If you can’t, it would be foolish to build anything on so unstable a foundation.

Ultimately, if you think it is an unfair arrangement, and you think it ought to be fair (which you might not—it isn’t a given), it doesn’t matter if other people think it’s fair or not. Will you change your mind? Will he?

Steve:
“I have a full time job in childcare that I’m very devoted to and love, but I don’t make a whole lot of money. I make enough to get by with some extras, but I’m pretty much at pay check to pay check point in my life.

So, here’s the issue. My current apartment costs about half as much as his does”

She is living paycheck to paycheck while paying rent that is half the cost of his. The obvious inference is if the move up to a 2 bed apt going from 1/3 the expense to 1/2 is going to make her budget tighter so she has no disposable income. What advantage does she get out of that arrangement? If it’s all about the money it makes more sense for her to stay where she is.

I think what’s glazed over by the number of responses here are the facts that (if I can borrow Jeruba’s list)

He thinks you should split your new rent 50–50.
You think that’s unfair to you for many reasons.
You’ve had only a brief conversation.
A big conversation is still to come.

I might add to the list that he doesn’t know what you think is fair as of yet, but I don’t know if that’s true from reading back through.

It seems if you want to get really angry at your significant other, a great way is to take an incomplete conversation, come to fluther and let us at him. By the time we’re 50 answers down you wont even want to live with him anymore. That pig, he needs to pay the rent, AND buy you a pony, and if he doesn’t you should probably find someone who will!

Of course that’s not true, I just think we, as a community trying to help one of our own, may have lost the fact that you (that actual people involved in the decision) haven’t even discussed this fully, or selected an apartment, found out the amount for rent on that apartment, or dozens of other things that should have a greater influence on what you decide to do than our thoughts on shared household duties within a relationship.

I hope it works out wonderfully for both of you, it seems you’ve been fully warned about the dangers of living together, so instead I’ll remind you to always wait 30 minutes after you eat to go swimming. Can’t be too careful!

@funkdaddy I’ve really appreciated everyone’s input, even the views I don’t completely agree with. Just to make it clear, this thread isn’t making me want to burn him at the stake, or ask him to buy me a pony. :) I’m not taking the ideas shared here as the absolute truth or The Way Things Should Be. The guy and I haven’t had the big conversation yet, it’s true. But since this is something I dealt with until this point in my life, I wanted to see what other, more experienced people thought without having to discuss it with my friends or parents.

@Jeruba Thank you. I think you got to the heart of the matter and have given me a lot to think about.

@likeradar: There is actually a great discussion about this issue on Jezebel.com from a few weeks ago. It basically came down to even splitting and proportional splitting with various ideas of how to implement them.

My personal opinion, which I did already see here, is that you should figure out what you are willing to put towards rent. Ideally 1/3 of your income max. Then you should tell him. He has the choice at that point to match your rental amount and get an apartment based on that or to pay more. If he chooses to pay more, that is his own decision.

I also think that if you are going to have an office in the house, you should consider splitting it. Not evenly, not completely, but maybe stick a small desk or something in there for you to pay bills or do taxes at. That way you both have a quiet room but you also understand at times he may need to be alone in there.

Good luck. Money issues are one of the biggest strains on relationships, so it’s really awesome you are thinking about this now. I will be making this same jump later this year, but in some ways it is far easier for me—there is a good chance I will be replacing a current roommate, so I will also slip into that financial arrangement.

OK, so we just talked (he’s a Flutherer by the way). He has completely agreed that the office/second bedroom should be his deal and he will pay the percentage or whatever that the office adds to the rent.

I’m actually sitting here with him right now talking about this and reading this thread and discussing. Now that he has agreed that he should pay for the office, do you guys think our financial disparity should still come into play at all when dividing rent? And also, if the genders were reversed, would you feel differently?

The office would be his. In this $1400 apartment, with a relatively small office that would be completely his, do you think it would be fair for me to pay $600 and him to pay the $800?

I’m glad to know you’re talking about it. And I definitely think your respective means should be a factor, but that’s just because it would be for me.

Bear in mind that your situation won’t always be the same as it is now. When my husband and I got married, he was earning about twice what I was. But the time came when he was out of work, and I paid for everything for about 5 years. Later he started working again. At some point my salary passed his, and now it is greater than his ever was. These days he is retired but has a small steady income. Our system had to work for all these situations, not to mention also stretching to fund college and other big expenses for the kids.

So I say again that the main thing is to work out how you will decide. Then you just apply whatever system you have agreed to, allowing for suitable flexibility as unpredictable things happen (which they will).

As long as you two can agree on how to decide what’s fair, outside opinions about the actual split are irrelevant.

It sounds entirely fair to me. The question is for you, is $600 a month affordable compared to your current situation.

I agree with Alfreda. As long as you can actually afford $600 without breaking the bank, it sounds very fair to me. As for the the other part of the question, no, if your roles (genders) were switched, it definitely would not change my answer. Gender had nothing to do with it. :)

I don’t think that what we think fair matters. Do you think it’s fair? If you are uncomfortable with it, then keep on talking, and explain to him what it is that makes you uncomfortable. If you are feeling good about it, then you should agree to the arrangement. You shouldn’t allow us to cause trouble, or to ratify your decision.

And I’m all about ‘what is the benefit for you?’

You get to pay more for living with him.
You get to clean more rooms.
You get to do more chores like cooking, shopping.
You get to give up some privacy and share space.

All in all a good deal?

@daloon- I’m thinking it’s closer to fair than the original “agreement” of 50/50. I’m not letting you guys cause trouble- probably the opposite, actually. Like I had said, I’ve never been in this situation before and neither has he, and it’s a big issue for the both of us. It’s been interesting to hear other points of view and all your answers have given me lots to think about. When we read this thread together, I think it was pretty helpful. We definitley weren’t saying “but so and so on Fluther says _____!” :)

I agree with the general majority—it’s not if we think it is fair, it’s if you think it is fair. If you really don’t or he really doesn’t, it will continue to grate at the one of you that feels shafted. It may seem like a small issue now, but it could build over time. So it’s more important for you two to agree on it and like it. And once you do, it’s none of our business.

Also, congratulations on being able to talk through this. It’s kind of like “big relationship hurdle X”, you know? This kills lots of couples, you’re getting past it. That’s one more mark towards “lasting forever and ever and ever”.

@Likeradar: Closer to fair implies it has a bit more to go before you think it’s fair. Correct?

It must be interesting doing this on fluther. I have the sense you may have difficulty saying things to each other’s faces, but this gives you a way to raise issues, which you can then discuss face to face. Very interesting. I wonder how it works.

It really boils down to the value of money, which is absolute. You can afford your current financial outlay now, more or less. Under the new arrangement, will you be spending less money per month, more money per month or the same? $600 is $600 whether you’re living on your own or living together. Can you afford $600? If you give up your current apartment, and living together doesn’t work out for some reason, will you be able to find an affordable apartment to replace the one you’re in?

@AlfredaPrufrock: but the value of money is not absolute. If I’m homeless and haven’t eaten in a week and find a $20 bill on the ground, that $20 bill is considerably more valuable to me than if I’m independently wealthy with assets that make me $10,000 a day.

@EmpressPixie Thanks :). It’s been interesting facing this hurdle… but I think the boy and I are doing it well.

@Daloon- It has been interesting doing this on Fluther. I’m not so much looking at as “Tell me what to do, Flutherites!!!!” but more of as a way to get points of view to consider and things to think about.

Ah, but $20 will only buy $20 worth of groceries, not $10,000. The absolute value is the face value, the relative value is as you say.

@AlfredaPrufrock: sure, but the attractiveness of a $500 apartment is different if you have a $2000/month income and if you have a $5000/month income.

But $500 is still $500. The attractiveness is relative, and the $500 is absolute.

I’m getting really confused. Are we arguing the moral relativist, or moral absolutist position? Or both?

I don’t think we’re arguing anything moral in this part of the thread. I’m talking about the declining marginal value of money—the more you have, the less each individual dollar is important to you.

Yes, I remember when loosing a $20 was a disaster. Now I find them in my jeans pocket and laugh.

if only i was as cool as you, judi. still in the disaster stage, here :(

sorry @La_chica_gomela . I know how that is and I also know that I am blessed now. I make it a real point never to forget how haerd things can be.

Update, if anyone still cares or is still following this…

We just celebrated 2 wonderful years of being together but living separately, and we’re looking to move in together in about 2 months. The discussions on this thread gave both of us lots to think and talk about, and we’ve come to an agreement that I think will work really well for both of us. We’re both excited about it!

Thanks jellies!

YEAH!!!!! I’m glad you were able to discuss it. Talking money can sometimes be more intimate than sex.

excuse me, but can you not read through the lines?????
Don’t meant to sound crass, but come on!!!! your comment, “He’s really is not a pig, but a really good person” is parrallel to a woman who is abused by her husband and saying, “He beats me, but I love him!”
I have to say from what I have read, it sounds as if he is not really committed to the relationship enough to make it work with you and not interested in making that effort – and for you to have to do extra work around the house to offset the difference??? come on! stay where you are -I think you will be sorry otherwise

@kewlguy_exABuser Actually, it’s not the same at all.

Update: We’ve been living together for over 2 months now with me paying ⅓ of the rent. We both do housework, and I do a bit more, like the laundry and grocery shopping (which we split the cost of). Things are going wonderfully. :)

@Likeradar well I am glad to hear that – it’s just the way you worded it made it sound worse than it really was. just don’t let him take advantage of you