General Question

aviona's avatar

Getting over a broken heart?

Asked by aviona (3260points) March 12th, 2009

I know this question has been asked in various forms in the past, but I wanted some advice on my particular situation.

this isn’t my first heartbreak. In fact I’d call it my third. They have all been very different: the first was in high school after my “first love” and I broke up. The second was after a summer-fling-turned-love ended when I moved to Costa Rica. And the most recent was my first live-in boyfriend. So we have the first love high school boyfriend, the long-distance relationship, and the living together relationship.

They have all been wonderful boys/men—putting up with my typical girl craziness + more. Especially the most recent one, though. He would bend over backwards for me. And even now, in my sadness and rage about the break up, it’s hard for me to pick out his flaws. During our 10-month relationship, I went through a few months where I kept getting really sick, he would drive me to the doctor’s/hospital, take care of me and just wait on me hand and foot. He was wonderful.

We would have our fights of course, but they were big fights. In general, daily life, we were really good friends. so when we fought they were huge blowups. And I’m pretty dramatic and he has a big ego and they didn’t mix well. Nevertheless, the breakup seemed very abrupt. And adding the lease and housing complications doesn’t help.

I just thought that since I had been through this twice before that it wouldn’t be so hard. But it is. I thought I had gained enough self-confidence to deal with it by now. But apparently not. I built my home inside a boy once again. And now I am homeless (regardless of finding another actual house to live in). I do know the steps to take to make it easier. I’ve made a box of things that remind me of him and put it out of sight. I’ve deleted his number from my phone, his email from my address book, his name from my buddy list, etc. But that doesn’t keep from from calling him. I’m addicted, apparently.

I have no more motivation to go to school and I feel like it’s too late to catch up. Even though he’s moving back with his parents soon, where I live is steeped in memories of him, of us, together and happy. And i feel like I may need to move back home, too.

On top of all of this, my friends are alienated and I don’t much feel like speaking to them anyway. So I can’t really reach out to them.

This is really long. I doubt anyone will read it, much less respond, but it felt good to put it out there at least.

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14 Answers

dynamicduo's avatar

If you think this is long, wait till you see some of daloon’s answers ;)

I can’t offer much advice as I’m heading out the door right now…. but I just wanted to let you know that I, a totally random new internet person, am here for you. I care for you even though I didn’t know you existed two minutes ago. And I already know you are a smart, strong girl who can get through this. You just gotta take baby steps, even when you don’t have the motivation to do so. Do it to prove to yourself that you can.

You know that time heals all wounds. I know this too, but it doesn’t stop the wounds from hurting right now. So the best you can do is occupy your mind with something else. Is there a hobby you’ve always wanted to try? A place you’ve wanted to visit? Then jump right in head first and do it. Bury yourself in it if that’s what it takes to make the boyfriend pain go away.

It’s only too late if you believe it is (hint, it’s never too late for anything).

And my last word of wisdom is not my own but Mercutio. Act 1 Scene 4 of Romeo and Juliet, the discussion between a heartbroken Romeo and his best friend Mercutio.

ROMEO
Not I, believe me: you have dancing shoes
With nimble soles: I have a soul of lead
So stakes me to the ground I cannot move.

MERCUTIO
You are a lover; borrow Cupid’s wings,
And soar with them above a common bound.

ROMEO
I am too sore enpierced with his shaft
To soar with his light feathers, and so bound,
I cannot bound a pitch above dull woe:
Under love’s heavy burden do I sink.

MERCUTIO
And, to sink in it, should you burden love;
Too great oppression for a tender thing.

ROMEO
Is love a tender thing? it is too rough,
Too rude, too boisterous, and it pricks like thorn.

MERCUTIO
If love be rough with you, be rough with love;
Prick love for pricking, and you beat love down.

.
.

Go out there and prick some love, aviona.

Ozzman's avatar

I understand your dilema. I’ve been there. You might want to seek a therapist of some kind, someone who can help you professionally. But somehow, someway you’ve got to do something that will get your mind off of things. And you may have to reach out to your friends, maybe not all them but a friend or two that you feel very close to. Talk to them and share with them your situation. If you had alienated yourself from them while in your relationship, then apologize and be honest. If they are your true friends, they will see that and be there for you. You can definitely put me in your fluther and I’ll try and help you out as much as possible. Good luck.

nebule's avatar

I’m just waiting til daloon turns up…lol… enough said ;-)

laxrrockr18's avatar

YES, UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! X(X(X(X(X(X(X(X(X(

forestGeek's avatar

I’m soo sorry to hear that you’re going through this. I recently have as well, so I can sympathize as well as speak from experience. It is not easy, nor does it seem to get easier the more times you go through it.

Removing all reminders of him, is exactly what you should do, and in my opinion that is definitely the very first step. Good for you!

I think it’s always best to let yourself feel what you feel. In other words, cry if you need to cry, be angry if you need to be angry, etc. Never deny what you’re feeling as it’s all part of the healing process.

Secondly, I agree with dynamicduo in that you need to do the things for yourself that you love and are uniquely you. It’s often in relationships that we lose a part of ourselves in order to be in a relationship with another person, and I think that’s very normal as we need to compromise to come together as one. But now it’s time to become you again. Get out and do all the things that make you happy. Don’t be afraid to be alone in these things either, because I have found that so very much is lost while just waiting around for a time when you have someone to do these things with…that time may never come, and you will have regrets! Find yourself again, and you’ll certainly find happiness!

Every time you might find yourself about to call, text or email him, write about what your thinking and feeling instead. I have found it very helpful to keep a journal of my daily thoughts and feelings, and you might as well. It’s also been nice going back and reading about what I went through as to not forget the progress you’ve made, or lack there of.

I know it is sometimes hard, but also be sure to spend time with family and/or friends that understand and love you. When I’ve gone through this, it’s always so difficult to be social and get out of the house, but it so good for you. Maybe go for a walk with a friend and talk, The fresh air and exercise always helps. I know you said that your friends are alienated, but certainly there is at least someone you can talk with.

Exercise also very important and will help you sleep at night, which is sometimes very difficult during a time of grief. Definitely stay away from alcohol and drugs, that shit will never help you through this, trust me!!

Lastly, this will all only pass in time, so give yourself that time! Time and doing positive things for yourself, will certainly decrease the healing time!

Sorry about the long-winded answer! I hope something here is helpful. Again, sorry you have to go through this, I really wish you the best through this!!

wundayatta's avatar

Never Fear! Daloon is here!

Lurve to all who mentioned my name. Although I do find it a bit intimidating. How did I get this reputation?

@aviona, thanks for writing such a long question. It really does help.

The way you describe it, it sounds like a clinical depression as much as a break-up depression. It sounds like you are trying to make it worse for yourself—cutting yourself off from your friends; beating yourself up for your failure (see my failure question if you want to write more about this).

I think that recognizing this can be helpful. It won’t necessarily stop it, but at least knowing that you are subconsciously punishing yourself will help you recognize it, and maybe let it slack off somewhat. Therapy, if you get a therapist you feel comfortable with, will help. Time, as @dynamicduo mentioned, is the only real healer here. I know this is your third relationship, but it’s the first time you lived with someone, and that makes it as or more powerful than your first two, and it never stops hurting when a love breaks off from you and you don’t want it to.

My first breakup—it took me years to stop thinking about her and wanting her back. It was awful. It contributed to a whole host of other problems I had at the time. Like looking for a job. Like looking for a place to live. These are some of the most stressful events in life, and you’ve got at least two of them, if not more. If we think of education as your job, then there’s three.

What can you do? You’ve got to find support. Try to reconnect with old friends, or make new ones. It’s not clear to me whether you pushed them away or they pushed you away, and if the cause is related to your breakup. Your parents or siblings may provide support, if they can be understanding (and if you have siblings). The more time you spend with company, especially engaging company, the more your mind will be drawn away from its endlessly circling thoughts. Fluther can help too, as a kind of virtual support system. If you figure out creative ways to ask questions about your current condition, you’ll find people being concerned.

What makes me wonder is your description of the cause of your breakup. Was it just the fight? What was the fight about? Were there a series of things leading up to it?

If it was just the fight, than there is the possibility that you could get back together and learn how to negotiate these issues less hurtfully. You can learn how not to say really venomous things. You can learn how to identify the underlying issues and negotiate them.

I guess you still call him a lot. How do these conversations go? Do you think he misses you, too, but is just hurt badly? Or is he only annoyed when you call? Well, I think we need more information.

I was thinking that you want to let go of him, but you can’t. Calling him is like rubbing salt in the wound. If it hurts more, maybe you won’t want to see him again. Anger can help. But if there’s a chance that this is all a mistake, and you have to look at this objectively, not as a lover, then maybe you can patch it.

Well, they were right. Another tome. It just takes too long to say what there is to say.

aviona's avatar

First of all, thank you for all the great answers and support.

The situation is a lot more complicated that just that one fight. Like I said we’d had intense (talked about breaking up) fights in the past. I guess this fight was just the straw that broke the camel’s back, so to speak.

And my ”+ more” added to my girl craziness was that it has been said that I am slightly bipolar. I have it somewhat under control with meds and I do see a therapist/psych, but I think he was just getting tired of dealing with that.

When the breakup happened I flipped out. My friends were physically there for me, but emotionally, not very supportive. Others started getting involved you I feel shouldn’t have, etc. They started telling me how self-centered I was, etc. Mind you, I was acting pretty hysterical, but still. So, I overdosed on Ambien and some Xanax—not with the intention of killing myself, but just to escape the verbal abuse I was receiving in the living room and also my misery. I was, of course brought to the ER and then committed to a psychiatric hospital.

My short time there was helpful, but I mainly just wanted to get out to get on with school, my job, my life, and also possibly get a better idea what was going on with my boyfriend (at the time the breakup didn’t feel very certain).

We did rush into living with each other. So I made a list of points and possibilities of how our relationship could change and work better if we took a step back and dated, without living together. I presented this to him (without looking at a list or anything), very calmly) once I was out of the hospital. He had already made up his mind though. He told me he loved me as a person, but that was all. So abrupt. He was already planning on dropping out of school for spring quarter, so also financially it made sense for him to move home.

In terms of my friends, a lot of them are just pissed at me for what I did. Some are freaked out. And also, I’m just so blah, that I don’t feel like making the effort to hang out with anyone. And I realize that I have to make an effort and it TAKES effort.

I don’t have siblings and my parents live about three hours away. My mom was just here for about 2 weeks and helped me move, but she left a few days ago. I talk to them multiple times a day, but not much gets accomplished.

The problem is, he was my stability, my best friend. So when I’m feeling unstable now, even when in regards to him—I call him, I go to him for help. He’s like a drug that I’m addicted to.

peyton_farquhar's avatar

hi aviona,

Well, I really don’t think I can give you any advice better than daloon or dynamicduo or the other posters here, but seeing that you are new to fluther I’d like to say that there will always be somebody who reads and responds to your question. There will always be somebody on this site who will be willing (nay, eager) to help you out, and you will always find a shoulder to cry on here.

In other words, you’ve found the best site to help you through these sort of problems.

Welcome to Fluther.

kevinhardy's avatar

make new freinds, find a way to start of school agian , your way, follow your heart no matter where it guides you

wundayatta's avatar

You know, when I walked away from that last post, I was thinking that there was something odd about you that wasn’t being said. Well, from one bipolar to another, it takes one to know one, and we can feel each other even when we don’t know what we’re feeling. I can’t say I was thinking bipolar, just that something didn’t feel right, and therefore, I felt my advice was not very good.

Now, I understand. Of course, you are right. You need a support system, and you need it more than anyone, and you don’t have it. Well, there’s hope. One of the folks in my group (we meet every two weeks) has been telling us of his adventure off his meds. He’s a single guy, and he drinks and he smokes pot. He was staying up until at least four in the morning, every night, having fun.

He came to the group, and confessed this, and we asked him what he wanted. Do you want us to chastise you? Tell you you’re doing the wrong thing? We all knew, him included, that he was self-medicating, and that what he was doing would make him spiral down, eventually, after the mania is over.

His answer was that “I’m scared.” He came to the next session, and said exactly the same thing. We urged him to do what he knew was right. This week, the fourth since he first told us, he told us that he’d gone back on his meds two days ago, and he was trying to stop the drinking and smoking. We applauded because we were glad he was doing this, and we care because we know him.

He has no support network. No family and no friends around. We’re his only support. He can call his parents, but really, he has to do this on his own. The wonderful thing is that he’s decided to. He’s trying to do what he knows is good for him.

We all know the litany. Take your meds. See a therapist. Go to bed before 11:30 every night. Get serious exercise every day. Build a support network. Write up one of those statements and put it in our wallets, so if we get hospitalized, they’ll know our drugs, and our psychiatrists, and they don’t have to treat us blind when we’re in no position to say anything sensible.

If you haven’t already done this, go to the DBSA web site and locate a support group in your area. Join it. The support of people who have experiences what you have experienced is a life saver. Many times over.

And now I understand about your friends and your boyfriend. You’ll see this if you stick around long enough, but the advice most people give to people involved with bipolar folk is “run as fast as you can.” There was a husband who was trying to figure out his wife, last night. She wanted a divorce. I told him what I just told you, and he said that he’d heard that a lot.

When I was depressed, I tried to push my wife away, like you wouldn’t believe. (Well, you would). I was nothing. Shit. Worse than shit. Worthless. You name it, I was worse than it. I didn’t deserve my wife, my house, my kids, my economic security, my job. I was too awful for those things.

No one seemed to understand this, and so I had to make them understand it. I had to push them away. Push. Push. I attacked everyone who tried to help me. Oh, God, was I good. I hurt them something fierce, and only with words. I made them doubt themselves, feel insecure, and still, they hung with me. I tried so hard, but not hard enough to make them go over the edge. Somehow, something held me back from going that far. With many of us, that’s not the case.

Why did I hold back? Because I knew these things I had were truly valuable. I loved my wife, even though I cheated on her. I loved my kids more than anything, and I was horrified when I lashed out at them. Maybe that gave me the strength to not destroy everything, especially myself. But boy, that eight story drop from my office window looked mighty tempting.

I suspect that you’ve been pushing everyone away, too. The curious logic is that if you are worthless, and people refuse to get it, you have to make them see it. That’s why you attack.

Most so-called sane people run when attacked over and over. It takes a peculiar kind of love to make you stick with a person who is relentlessly furious at you. Parents do it. Siblings do it. Sometimes spouses do it. Rarely friends or significant others, unless you’ve been together for decades.

But that’s what we need and want. Someone to love us even though we despise ourselves. Someone to see something inside us that we cannot see. Someone who will ignore the attacks, knowing they aren’t true, or suspecting they aren’t true, until we get diagnosed, and treated, and we come back to health.

This is a rare thing. People are scared of us. They think we might be violent (some of us are, but not many). There is such stigma attached to mental illness. That’s probably why you didn’t mention it at first. It’s safe here, though. No one knows who we are in the flesh world, unless we choose to divulge it.

Sometimes people here are merciless in their attacks. Well, not fluther, but I’ve seen it on other places like this. People are so judgmental. They can’t understand that there is any reason to behave in an immoral way: cheating and hurting and lying and all that. They can’t conceive that people can hate themselves so much.

Now, I have no idea how much of this is like your experience. We are all different. But we do have commonalities, and one of them is that it is difficult for people who haven’t been there to understand why we do such horrible things.

Wow! When your self-esteem is shit, you drive people away. You do’t think you deserve them, even though you need them. If you fix that, you will get what you want. The therapy is crucial. Your meds are crucial, and you have to take them as prescribed. Don’t try to OD. They don’t give us enough to kill ourselves. When you need help, try to learn to ask for it straight out, instead of showing you need it by trying to kill yourself.

I hope your psychiatrist is a good one that you have a good working relationships with, and who explains his or her thinking in deciding what to prescribe. If not, there are other psychiatrists. I know how hard it can be to find one, though. If my wife hadn’t done it for me, I would be in that gutter I so desired. I would be divorced. I would have destroyed my job prospects.

Therapy can help with self-esteem. There are many approaches. A lot of people like CBT, but that didn’t work for me. It just made me blame myself more, and spiral down faster. I am trying mindfullness, and reading a book about this approach. A therapy called ACT helps people learn a mindfullness approach.

You are doing many of the right things. I think if you understand yourself better, and are honest with yourself, you can make a lot of progress. You may have to give up on your boyfriend. My God! Those must have been some arguments. Some things people have a real hard time forgiving, even if they know you’re mentally ill.

A support group with other folks like us, I believe, will provide enormous help. You might find people who can help you out in a lot of situations. Your parents may be problematic. Maybe one of them is bipolar and denying it?

Look. I believe in looking at things honestly. I don’t think it helps to be told we’re doing fine when we aren’t, and that things will be easy, when they won’t be. So I’ll tell you that you have a lot of obstacles to overcome. You may lose some of the things you really want (like your boyfriend).

However, when you get the right meds, and you’ve had therapy for a while, and you get a support network from people who understand, or who are willing to put up with the shit, you will become much more stable, and much more able to get the stuff you want. First things first. Make sure the meds are helping, and if not, get them changed. The other things will come after that. It is possible.

and this is a record for me, but obviously, this is something I care a good deal about

aviona's avatar

Wow, daloon, you pretty much have me pegged (in a good way!). I mean, you’re a mind reader, or a heart reader or something. Especially that thing you said about people telling you you’re fine when you’re not.

Last night, in panic, I called him, the now ex, pleading for him to talk me down—begging him to remind me there is a point to life, etc. I was hysterical again and obviously (hindsight is 20/20) this was a horrible idea. The one thing he kept saying was “You’re fine.” and I know his intentions were good (which just makes the breakup even harder in a sense), but really at the time it just pissed me off even more. “NO I AM NOT FINE!” I said. I am not fine at all. Everyone is expecting me to just act like I am okay—strong. But, in truth, I cannot even get out of bed.

I’ve been looking into support groups and will further my search, thank you. I actually really hated both my therapist and psychiatrist before I went to the hospital and am looking into changing them. I have Kaiser, though, and just really hate it. There’s so much bureaucracy BS involved and plus the nearest one is about 35 minutes away. Plus Kaiser is so slammed you’re lucky if you get an appointment once ever 4 weeks.

Back home, I loved my therapist. She worked out of her home, which was so nice and intimate and I even got to see her twice a week during one period. If I end up moving back there I may look into paying her out of pocket (eek).

Thank you, for realizing the noting the stigma, and just being able to relate to me and sharing your feelings and your stories. It really helps.

As for my parents. I know my mom has depression and is taking meds for it. And I’m sure my dad has anger issues, which he denies. Maybe, right now, at least during this rough patch I should talk to my future psych about an anti-depressant in conjunction with my current meds. Maybe I should even start a new thread about that…

LostInParadise's avatar

I read with interest what you said and what @daloon had to say. I have my own problems with depression, though not bipolar.

I am curious, though, what should one say to someone who is begging for help? It would not be right to say that the person is a wreck and if it is not right to say that the person is okay, then what else is there to say?

Perhaps the answer is simply to provide unconditional love, to say, “Whatever condition you are in, you are important to me and I give you my support.” And if that love can’t be found from an individual then maybe it can be found at a group level.

It is a scary world without support. There was a time when we lived more communally and knew our neighbors. I keep circling back to the notion that something is out of whack with our society. There is a level of support, not from Federal government and not from institutions, but at the most local level that is missing. From the responses here it is apparent that you are not alone in your suffering. The problem is fairly widespread. I wonder how much worse things will have to get, and by all accounts they are getting worse, before there is a major structural change.

wundayatta's avatar

@aviona: Really, no “mind-reading” is necessary. We have many similarities. I look at my own experience and thinking, and talk about that, and it sounds to other people as if I’m talking about them. This really is a disorder, and it really does many similar things to all of us.

As to meds, I’m on Lithium, Welbutrin, and Lamictal. I’m pretty lucky in that my psychiatrist is a fairly serious research psychiatrist. He’s trying to identify the genes that are involved in this disease. He starts with Lithium (which he (and everyone else) calls the “gold standard”). That stabilized my mood. It works more on mania than depression, so while my mania (really hypomania) was gone, I was still horribly depressed. I should say I was in a mixed state, bouncing up and down, when I first saw him.

So he added Welbutrin to see if that would help with the depression. It did—a little. So he upped the Welbutrin, and that moved me more up, but still, my head was under water. Finally, after asking for this over and over, he let me try Lamictal. Both my cousin and my aunt who have this have done very well on Lamictal. Lamictal, he says, is a mood stablizer that works better on depressions.

So now I have a mood stabilizer to stop the mania, and a mood stabilizer to stop the depressive side and an anti-depressant to help keep my head above water. It seems to be working, although, if the experience of others is reliable, it is not going to work forever. Still, my case, he says, is mild, and there is hope for me to come off the meds some day. Two people in my group have kidney transplants, as a result of taking Lithium for twenty years or more. I don’t want to have to go through that.

Meds are always interesting—especially hearing the journey that other people go through. You are sounding more hopeful, and that’s a good thing.

aviona's avatar

I’ve tried a wide variety of meds. Mostly anti-depressants (since I too have hypomania), but some mood stabilizers, but the tremors I got from them were not worth it. Lamictal was one of them. Possibly Wellbutrin as well. I can’t even remember now. I’ve stayed away from Lithium. I know that it’s the “gold standard,” but it scares me nonetheless.

This sounds really silly, but it is obviously a huge issue with these meds, but how has your weight been with your cocktail? As a young woman, I guess it’s a bigger issue for me (especially since I’ve had body issues in the past). I just know that if I am on a drug that makes me gain a bunch of weight regardless, I’m going to be depressed.

I’ve bee on Topamax since August and it seems to have been working, but both my boyfriend and I noticed a few months ago that I may have been building up a tolerance or something for it. When I finally got in to see a psych about upping my dosage she refused and didn’t even want me on it and was angry and wanted to know who put me on it in the first place. I know it’s not technically a mood stabilizer, but it works as one and they don’t really know why. Anyway, the doctor in the hospital was wonderful and upped by dosage by 50mg a day. It’s been the only med I’ve tried that hasn’t given me tremors. I’m just wondering if that in conjunction with something else might work and might prevent me from gaining weight. I guess I just need to fight the right psych. who will actually listen to me

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